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Original poster

5 yo DS "frightened by things his school friend says" - any teachers can advise?

26 replies

WoolyMammoth55 · 12/10/2022 22:29

Hi all,

DS is 5 years old, in year 1 at a small village primary. I like the school and the staff a lot.

He has a new friend this year who used to be mean to him and now is his best friend. NewBF has been to ours for a play date and DS has gone to theirs. Both play dates weren't great; NewBF a bit intense and difficult at our place, and after going to their house DS said he didn't want to go back again as NewBF said "he wasn't going to let him leave". (DS is a social kid and has never had this reaction to other play dates).

Last week DS told me that NewBF had said some scary things - something about hurting their teacher, and something else about a secret plan to flood the school. I mentioned these things to class teacher at parents evening and was told not to worry, nothing to be concerned about, NewBF is a "character".

This evening at bedtime DS told me that NewBF had scared him again today - this time had told DS that "he is going to cut him with a knife". I have emailed the class teacher to inform them and asked for their advice.

As a mum, my instincts are that this child is bad news and I'd like my DS to be able to avoid him. I'm concerned for the other child too, as these are frightening and intense ideas for a 5 year old to be expressing.

However, it's a small school and realistically there's not much to be done to stop them playing together if they choose to do so. I could remove DS from the school but that feels too extreme. Can anyone offer any advice? I feel like my spidey-senses are telling me to grab DS and run for the hills but in reality there's nothing I can do...?

Would really appreciate any thoughts or advice!
x

OP posts:
Surelyitscoffeetime · 12/10/2022 22:37

Call the school safeguarding lead tomorrow.

Justalittlebitfurther · 12/10/2022 22:49

You need to escalate this higher than the teacher. They may not have the full picture and it’s important to speak to the DSL or Headteacher. Ask for those when you call. At the same time express your worry for your own child and ask how they are going to safeguard him as he is scared by these interactions.

LondonQueen · 12/10/2022 22:51

Call the school tomorrow, briefly explain and ask to be put through to the DSL or a call back.

Notjusta · 12/10/2022 22:55

Oh gosh that does not sound usual for a 5 year old. You've done the right thing in contacting school again.

I hope your poor DS is ok. I'm sure you already are thinking this, but in your shoes I think if be planning playdates with other friends to try and steer DS towards other kids.

ArrowNorth · 12/10/2022 23:39

Absolutely escalate as a safeguarding issue.

And, if your gut is telling you you must remove DS, then listen to it. If it's a one form school and no second Y1 class to move him to, change school. Listen to your gut, always.

themonkeysnuts · 13/10/2022 17:56

this needs investigating by the DSL and head teacher, sometimes kids say things to provoke a reaction but this is worrying in a child so young

Wthamidoingwrong · 13/10/2022 18:03

"Grab ds and run for the hills" from a 5 year old???
He's 5. He's just saying things for a reaction. Adults behaving as though this child is the devil reincarnate is not going to help.

Wthamidoingwrong · 13/10/2022 18:05

I think it depends also massively on the context- e.g did he just randomly threaten to cut ds with a knife which is obviously quite disturbing or was it in the middle of a pretend game ?
Does this child have an older sibling they're hearing this stuff from?

Babdoc · 13/10/2022 18:08

This is worrying from a safeguarding point of view for the other little boy too. Is he being exposed to unsuitable adult content horror/violent films at home, or does he have a violent father who makes these kind of threats and he is repeating them?
It is not normal behaviour for a five year old to make such specific and violent threats, and it needs investigation pronto.

BeanieTeen · 13/10/2022 18:18

Mention it to the schools safeguarding lead. I know the teacher’s initial reaction seemed somewhat nonchalant but there’s a good chance she knows something isn’t right but can’t share that with you.

Pumpkin20222 · 18/10/2022 20:12

This is concerning, even if the kid is not serious with the other threats he obviously sounds like trouble. There is a local kid to us who says frightening things, is a bully and hurts animals, so we have strongly encouraged our DS to be with a different group of friends at school (they are not in the same class, but were previously in the same kindergarten). When the kid threatens or does concerning things we have talked with our DS (a bit older than yours) about the implications and strategies.

After the cutting threat, I would probably keep DS off school at least the following morning and write to the school with the concerns and demand they are addressed. It would be extreme, but hopefully fast draw a line and get the school onboard with keeping them apart. Your DS has been scared and needs to be protected. Knife/cutting threats are not normal.

OperaStation · 18/10/2022 20:16

You need to do much more than email the school. You need to speak to the headteacher first thing tomorrow morning.

Pumpkin20222 · 18/10/2022 20:20

I wish there was an edit button. The pupil making these threats, or saying these things if there is no intent behind them, may need help, particularly given his age. The school has to know and a paper trail should ensure they respond.

Nightynightnight · 18/10/2022 20:28

Firstly think about exactly what it is you want the school to do. If you simply tell them what the child is saying they will thank for the information and move on. Instead tell them what you want them to do to - so do you want them kept apart in class and in the playground? Do you want the child removed from the class or school? It is very unlikely in a village school that the child would be moved unless there is an additional support need that can't be met at the school.

It doesn't sound like this child is "bad news" but he does sound like a child who is struggling for whatever reason. The school won't and can't tell you anything about what action they take with regards to this child, only what action they take with yours. If you have concerns about what is happening at this child's home then you also have the option to contact social services.

There is always going to be a child like this, all the way through school. So the other thing you could be doing is trying to equip your child to deal with this. Obviously he will not be alone with him out with school from now on, but teach him what to do and say at school. Make sure he knows where the safe spaces are at school and that he knows who to speak to if he is scared or upset.

TizerorFizz · 19/10/2022 15:40

@Nightynightnight
No. Not all DC will come across Dc who threaten the use of knives. You also cannot say that @WoolyMammoth55 should have solutions up her sleeve. She’s not the Head.

As others have said, she should contact the safeguarding lead at the school. Also read the safeguarding policy. This talk isn’t acceptable from a child and it needs some investigation. A parent cannot control what the school does with the info. They can control who Dc plays with. Very quickly get different Dc around to play. Make sure DS understands nice DCs and isn’t persuaded to play with not so nice ones. That sounds mean but he should never be scared of another child. The school must take action but you won’t be told what. What you can do is control who Dc plays with snd where.

Believeitornot · 19/10/2022 15:41

You need to email these concerns to the school and ask that they are passed to the safeguarding lead.

Imissmoominmama · 19/10/2022 15:49

I would be concerned about what the other child is watching. It’s worth flagging it up with school.

Also, your child shouldn’t be frightened by anything that’s happening in school!

mathanxiety · 19/10/2022 16:41

Call school safeguarding lead and let them know you'll be calling social services too.

TizerorFizz · 19/10/2022 18:50

Don’t call social services. Follow up with contacts for safeguarding in the school’s policy.,

Original poster
WoolyMammoth55 · 19/10/2022 22:18

Hi all, thanks for the replies. Appreciate you all taking the time to advise.

I followed up with the headteacher after my initial contact with the class teacher, and on her suggestion I've sent a letter detailing what was said and my concerns, specifically my son feeling scared in school and being threatened with violence from a classmate. I've not requested that they be prevented from playing together but I have requested that staff keep an eye on them when they are playing together, and that if the supervising staff member needs to move on that they separate them at that point - take one of them along with them to "help" or whatever. They have agreed to do this "as far as practical". If anyone has additional ideas on what to ask the school for, then I'm all ears - this seems more or less ok to me.

I've also had some good conversations with DS about the situation and I feel like he's doing well, and being actually quite thoughtful and grown-up about it all.

I'm not going to call social services. NewBF has the same childminder as my toddler and I know his mum slightly (small village!) so I've spoken to them both about my concerns - mum was pretty cool with me, but I think that's probably fair enough - but the childminder is a force of nature :) and has already laid down the law with NewBF and his older sister about what they can and can't watch. From her I gather it's largely the influence of the older sister and under-supervised screen time that's at the root - though apparently NewBF did flood his granny's house last summer, turned the garden hose on indoors after she tried to discipline him for something - so the flooding the school thing wasn't an idle threat!

I'm hoping that things will calm down from here and the school can keep an eye on them both to ensure no repeats or escalation.

Again, thanks all for taking the time x

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 19/10/2022 22:31

@WoolyMammoth55
I would be surprised if the school can control
what this boy says. It’s not rough play that’s easy to spot. Is your DS confident enough to say he’s scared or unhappy? He’s 5.

I would actively seek other friends for DS. I think you will find the Best friend won’t have many friends. Your DS might find the excitement and attachment to his new friend means others are less interested. Don’t under estimate that it’s parents who cause the shots with playing dates. Not the DC. Some Dc will be vetoed.

Im surprised you spoke to his mum. Brave of you! I’m afraid the child minder has no influence in their home. What was the childminder thinking they watched? Laying down the law at her house is one thing, in someone else’s house: impossible.

TizerorFizz · 19/10/2022 22:32

Call the shots…..

musicalfrog · 19/10/2022 22:37

Please don't label this child as your son's 'BF'. He shouldn't feel obliged to keep spending time with him if he makes him feel uncomfortable. The friendship may endure but it also may not, they are still very young.

In your shoes I'd be organising some playdates with other children and steering him towards other friendships for a while. No you can't stop him playing with this lad but you can show him other options are available.

RiftGibbon · 20/10/2022 07:47

Whatever the intent of the child, it is disturbing to hear what they are saying. It is a safeguarding issue, and hopefully school are on it.

It sounds as though its mimicking older siblings, and, from talking to the childminder sounds like its inappropriate tv/video games. At 5, children are impressionable and easily scared. As a standalone incident this may be relatively inconsequential, but, if reported to safeguarding, should be logged. This then helps to build a picture of any potential causes for behavioral concerns.

Pumpkin20222 · 20/10/2022 10:34

In a few days have a chat with your son about it to see if other issues have come up with the difficult kid, which may need to be addressed. Keep talking through strategies, so your child has a line of communication and the language to cope with this. I actively set up play dates with other children and made an effort to have favourite snacks and activities, to help push mine into other friendship groups as quickly as possible. Also signed him up for the football club for a broader friendship group, as in our case the problem kid is a bully (not to our DS who he liked, but I was worried about friendship bullying as we pulled our DS away).