In a bit of a pickle - could do with advice. Thanks

[Alambil]

OK here's the story.

Get called in to see TA after school (teacher absent) and she says DS has hit another child at lunch which is SO unlike DS I may as well be talking about someone else.

DS got told off for this (rightly so), TA spoke to head teacher about it (to make sure she was dealing with it ok or something...)

I just sit there and nod like an idiot (exceptionally shy and TBH I didn't wholly comprehend what she was saying until after...)

Anyway, I've talked about it with DS and he said another child (well known for their agression) had told DS to do it.

Now, I've just sat and listened to the TA blame DS wholly for hitting this child, when in reality he was put up to it. This does NOT excuse his behaviour - not at ALL but DS is someone who won't stand up for himself easily and especially against this other child. I fully beleive DS isn't lying - he knows he would be in way much more trouble if he did so I believe that X put DS up to it.

What should I do?? Tell the TA on Monday that things have come to light? Or leave it and hope DS doesn't listen to X again?

Oh, sorry to be going on - I'm in a right old pickle and got noone else to discuss it with... sorry.

seems like your ds has found out the consequence of bowing to peer pressure.

The other boy didn't hit the other child, your ds did. Regardless of who told him to do it, it was him that did it, so it is him that should be punished for it.

He needs to learn to say no or face the consequences.

True - I said as much in my post - but should the other well known trouble maker get off from putting children up like this?

I think you should mention it casually to let them know that actually, the other boy should be kept an eye on too and that yes, your DS shouldn't have done it but the other lad put him up to it. (Quite probably, your DS wouldn't have done it otherwise).

I would speak to the TA again and say over the weekend it has come to light that your son was put up to it and obviously this doesn't excuse his behaviour but could the teacher do a general 'play nicely'talk to all the children?

If it makes you feel any better I have a son who would put his head in the oven if his friend told him to.

I do really think you should let the TA/Teacher know the background to what happened, especially if it was out of character for your little boy to do that.

I would also give your son some things he can say to this boy if he feels like getting him to do his dirty work again!

Leave it and stress to your ds not to listen to boy again.

Yes I agree you should just mention it. Ds1 did some silly things in Reception so I queried his teacher and she said he was easily-led. I think they should know the whole story.

I would let it go to be honest. In my experience chilren learn very quickly when they do things other people tell them to and then get into trouble.

In fact, it's a life initiation really.

Personally I find these things v. hard to do in person without getting emotional about it, so I would be inclined to send a note in on Monday along the lines of "whilst DS acknowledges he did hit Y and deserved to be told off, and we support that absolutely, we thought you should be aware in case something similar happens with another child that DS was put up to this behaviour by X"

Lewis how about letting the TA know on Monday? Just so your DS knows he has support from a grown up if the other aggressive boy presurises him again. If he felt he had back-up he might feel more confident in telling the other child (who is a bully )to shove off.

It's important to stress it's not right to do this but also to give him back up in case he's being picked on too.

Make it clar to the TA you are not defending your DS merely shedding light on this out of character behaviour.

How old is DS? Sometimes getting boys enrolled on a martial arts course improves their confidence no end. Not the learning to fight angle but because of the control & confidence element.

Do you thnk your DS now has the confidence to stand up to X if it happens again?

I think i would be inclined to have a quick, quiet word with the TA - just explaining that you are trying to give your DS the confidence to make decisions under peer pressure because X had put him up to it.

I think the TA needs to be aware that this is a tactic the other boy is using. They like to keep on top of things that could escalate.

I will have a word with the TA on Monday I think - as you say Blu, they need to keep on top of things with X too.

I have told DS that if he ever does anything like this again (in a round about way - if he follows a bully) he will be in trouble because he knows right from wrong and he knows what he should do.

Blu, I am trying to impress on him that he will be in so much trouble if he does what someone else tells him to (clearly not a teacher etc lol) that he won't do it again; confidence will come from that I hope.

If I were you I would go in and talk to the TA about this on Monday morning. Whilst your ds knows it was wrong to hit another child it is wrong also that X, who egged him on, should get away with it. In X's eyes he has got away with it - your ds was told off - he wasn't. And in his little world he's laughing behind your ds' back. Unless he is spoken to by the school too (plus his parents presumably?) he will do it again.

Whispy I don't think the school will say anything - his parents certainly won't (been here before with X and his mum just said "well, at least it wasn't in the classroom"!!!

Anyway, DS has been told that to follow a bully is wrong and that he must never hurt another person - he has learned the lesson and is going to apologise to the child he hit and their mum (cos she would be sad too - said DS).

I think I'll leave it now with DS - just have a word on Monday to the TA

How old is your ds by the way?

I would definitely make the school aware of the actual circumstances...ie X made your ds hit the other child. Atleast then you know you've spoken to the school and whether they take the matter up with X's parents is up to them but you've done your bit.

You wouldn't want your ds to find himself in a situation where he will be constantly bothered by X to go and do his dirty work for him, iykwim.

He's 5 - in reception. X's parents have already been called in half a dozen times since September about his behaviour.

That is exactly why I want to talk to the school - they need to know really; not to get DS off the hook because he did the deed, but to know that X is becoming devious as well as everything else really.

Exactly Lewis. Good luck with Monday then. x