Another parent has complained about ds, any advise how to handle this?

[kinki]

Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this situation, please? Ds1 is 8 and in year 3. Tonight he told me that he got 'told off' for chatting in class. I told him not to worry, but to try not to talk so much when he is not allowed. He then says that he is scared because someone has made a complaint about him and he doesn't want to get into more trouble. He then promptly burst into tears. I'm sensing there's more to it, so I calm him down and reassure him that he's not in trouble with me and try to get him to tell me exactly what's happened. I ask him to recount the conversation with his teacher. This is what he said:

Mrs D asked me to come up to the desk. She says that someone came into school yesterday and made a complaint about me. She asked me to guess who. I asked was it you. She told me it wasn't you and that I should guess again. I couldn't think of anyone else. She said I'm to think hard and guess again. I said I didn't know. So she told me that G's mum (he sits next to G) had made a complaint about me. She said G's mum has said that I talk to G too much, stopping her doing her work and that G's mum is not happy about it. Then she told me off for talking. Then she said that she would ask G at the end of each day if I've been talking, and if she says yes I'm going to be moved to the table at the front of the class (he doesn't want this as he knows this is where the children that are struggling acadaemically sit, whereas he's fairly bright).

I essentially believe his account. But I really can't understand various bits:

1 - Surely if there was a problem with him talking in class it would have been picked up and acted upon? Why would it take an intervention from another parent to highlight the issue?
2 - I know G's mum and would have thought if she had a major problem with ds, she'd have spoken to me as well. So could the teacher have made this up? Or at least hugely exaggerate a conversation. If so, is this fair?
3 - Should a teacher divulge to a child who has complained about him? Surely this is at best unethical, at worse breaking a confidence.
4 - Could he really be moved to a different ability table based purely on the whim of another student?
5 - If another parent is complaining about my child, surely I should have been informed. If only with a brief note in the contact book.
6 - This conversation was within earshot of the rest of the class, so he fears everyone knows that G's mum has complained about him. Surely a bit of discretion wouldn't have gone amiss.

Something doesn't sit right with the whole thing and I can't quite put my finger on it. Ds is a chatterbox and I can well imagine him distracting others, but as he pointed out himself he can't have a conversation with himself. He admits he and G regularly chat together. He wonders why he's in trouble and not G, and why G's mum instigated it.

So has anyone any ideas how to tackle this? Should I go in? Write a letter? Note in the contact book? Talk to G's mum. I have an idea what to do, but need some reassurance that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill sort of thing. TIA

What's with the guessing game? If he's done something wrong address it clearly. How very peculiar.

My DDs aren't in school yet, so I don't know what the form is. But it sounds like things need straightening out. Poor DS.

That is awful kinki. What is the teacher playing at, making DS play guessing games? Seems very odd to me. Her approach is unprofessional in the extreme.

I think I would go in and ask the teacher to explain. My DS is in Yr 3 as well and I know that sometimes he gets the wrong end of the stick so it would be good to clarify it. Keep it light hearted and not confrontational but say DS seemed upset and you wanted to get to the bottom of it. No point talking to G's mum just in case she didn't have anything to do with it and the teacher is playing some silly game.

All your points are valid, but I would guess that he's prone to being chatty (as bright children often are) and his teacher is just gently trying to get him to understand that he needs to concentrate more and not distract other children. I think she was wrong to name the other child's mother as an example.

If I were you I would approach the teacher at the end of the day, recount what your child told you and ask pleasantly if there is anything that you can do to help reinforce the message.

That way teacher will know that wwhat she tells him will go straight back to you and she may be a little more tactful in future.

She won't move your child - she's stooping to his level and using a playground-style threat. He would be far more disruptive if he's bored in amongst the less academic children, so she won't risk that - it's an empty threat.

Does sound a bit off of the teacher. We were recently given a message that dc had bitten someone and so unlike him. He denied it so we asked the teacher. She has been off so we had to ask 3 times.
So they said 'oh no it wasn't him it was X, these blonde children all look the same'
Bit shocked they told us who the biter was but glad we checked.

Thanks for the responses. I figured the thing to do would be to keep it light while fact finding. I'm sure he is more than capable of distracting others with his inane chatter, it just that the way in which she's addressing the whole thing seems so wrong. The strange thing is that she's obviously a teacher with a lot of experience behind her, but I just can't understand her tactics. I think if i was ever in a position where I felt the need to 'complain' about another child (unlikely, but you never know), then you'd think it would be acted upon in a tactful way. If events happened as ds says, once it's all blown over I think I will strike up a convo with G's mum. She'd want to know her name was used in such a public manner, I'm sure.

Agree Gs Mum would want to know.

1dil - that's bad. To be fair to teachers, it must be hard keeping tabs on all of children all the time, but there are times when it really matters. Glad ds had his name cleared.

Yeah he's found the transition to school difficult but didn't want to think of him as a biter! Hope you get it sorted

Agree with all the advice given but I am feeling for G's mum a bit.I wouldn't say anything to her.
She obviously felt there was a problem and if it was my child constantly moaning about being distracted then I'd rather bring it up with the teacher than the other parent.
Teacher was being really unprofessional dealing with it this way.

1. Yes, I think if there were a problem with him talking in class, he would know about it and the teacher would have addressed it with him herself and, failing that, with you.
2. I doubt the teacher made it up
3. I don't think it was very professional to tell your DS anything about someone complaining about him. All she needed to do was to have a quiet word "I've noticed you've been talking with G a lot and I'm concerned that you are not working as hard as you could. What can we do about it?". If I were G's mum, I would not be impressed.
4. He could be moved to a different table but so could G. If I were the teacher, I'd reshuffle everyone. In fact, I rarely had set places in the long-term - the kids sat in different places for different lessons/ activities depending on what we were doing.
5. I think you should have been informed.

Has this been a problem for DS in the past?

You need to make an appointment to see the teacher and ask:

How her tables are arranged.
How long your DS has been so disruptive in class
Why you haven't been told about it
What has the teacher done to help DS not disturb other people
If G really never talks to your DS

I'm really annoyed about this actually, it's what gives teachers a bad name. Why is she making it G's responsibility to report on DS's chattiness at the end of the day? If she were doing her job properly, she would know exactly how much DS talks and would have dealt with it before. I am a teacher btw.

IME, chatty children know they are chatty. They know they are often reminded to stop. Their parents know it too - they are told every parent's evening. It can be dealt with in a nice, non-conforntational way and still be effective. What has worked really well for me in the past is to tell the whole class, that if for some reason they are finding it hard to concentrate on what they are doing, they can move and sit on this table (I make sure I have a spare table). Some children were worried about people thinking they were in trouble if they sat there so we made a sign that said "I am sitting here so I can concentrate on my work" with a smiley face under it. It gave them responsibility for their behaviour and their work and they often chose to sit there before I needed to intervene.

Sorry if this is a rant. I'm cross.

Oh, that was really long. Sorry.

I would not say anything to the mum. She's being a bit rigid imo but she's also just doing the best for her kid.I'm sure she's not the one who pushed the teacher into intimidating your child.

If his behaviour was really disruptive, you would already know about it.

It was very very wrong for the teacher to use scare tactics such as cornering a child and telling them a parent complained about them.
he's just being chatty, this was not an assault FFS!

she's a coward who's trying to keep the other mummy happy as she was caught not doing here job in the first place (keeping DS quiet and dealing with his disruptiveness - if any)

Tell her that DS was in tears and very worried and before cornering him like this there are a lot of ridiculously obvious steps she could have taken, the first one being giving him a sliding scale of warnings and letting you know all the way.

Sounds like an awful and incompetent teacher. Really bad to put a child in charge of tattling on another child and then to scare second child with threat of tattling child. It's like setting up a bullying situation. Kinki, I would make a formal complaint. If the teacher can't handle something as normal as an overly chatty child in the normal manner (move seats next to different child or on their own), then she really needs some refresher courses on teaching.

Sofia, what you say is true. Ds when in tears said the words 'I feel like Mrs D is bullying me'.

Slim, you're right about G's mum, and also I really ought to have known about it if he is THAT bad, surely?

Overrated, no don't apologise for being long, your comments are just what I needed. You've helped me a lot to put it into perspective. Mrs D has a reputation for being quite strict, but she's generally well respected as a teacher iykwim. Which is why I'm struggling to get my head around this. I think I'll do just as you suggest. One of your points - what has the teacher done to help DS not disturb other people - I feel a bit nervous about this one. That's not too confrontational is it? His teachers have always said that in juniors the children really ought to be responsible for their own actions. I don't want them to think I'm in denial about it all, but obviously I want the best for him.

Talking in class has not been highlighted as a problem before. Reports and in consultations the feedback is generally good. The only 'not positive' feedback we've had and been asked to work on was failing to complete set work in class. I was led to believe this was a daydreaming thing, rather than a talking to others thing. Besides which, before xmas Mrs D reported that this had greatly improved and was no longer a problem.

The more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to believe ds when he says she simply doesn't like him. He used to love school, but since Yr3 he's not been happy. Fortunately Mrs D job shares with Mrs M who ds likes alot. Its like playing good cop, bad cop.

When I get there this morning I'll make an appt to see the teacher. Thanks again everyone for your comments.

Hi Kinki

There is a difference between being strict and being firm and fair. What the teacher did was unfair. Being strict would be having and implementing a 'no chatting' rule.

I totally agree that by the time children are in key stage two, they should be taking some responsibility for their behaviour and trying to resolve conflicts but from what you said, it doesn't sound like this actually has been an issue before.

I think you can talk to her without being confrontational - you can say you didn't realise this was an issue. You can ask how she has dealt with it up until now (and she should say something like, he gets a warning, he gets reminded and then a consequence (like moving places)) which implies that you think she has dealt with it effectively in the past and may make her feel less threatened? And ask if there is anything you can do to help?

I'm glad DS has a teacher he does get on with. I know it shouldn't happen but sometimes there is just a clash of personalities between a teacher and pupil.

Good Luck - let us know how you get on.

Your poor DS. TBH, I would not be surprised to hear that the other boy's mum did not make a complaint at all, in which case I would be making a complaint about the teacher.

Hope you manage to get to the bottom of all of this, especially if its changed your son from one who enjoys school to one that doesn't.