How to decide if I need to delay reception for summer born kid?

[Ethny]

Hi ladies!

I have a late July DD (she is 3.2 now). She is bi-lingual (we use our native language at home and she is in the nursery full day) so her English is good but a bit below her age. She can count objects till twelve (and tries further), recognises a lot of English letters, etc. But she is a bit shy, it takes her several weeks in the new nursery group to start recognising kids by their names, I've seen only once she tried to befriend a girl on the playground. But she likes to participate in group activities and respects rules and taking turns (sometimes too much).

I am afraid that all her shyness is coming from bilinguality. She is not confident enough how to express herself and what should she say. I can see how stressed sometimes she is (and she bites her nails all the time). I know it is one more year. But how to decide if I need to delay the reception?

What do the nursery staff think?

We delayed DS, around same age, and it was the best thing we ever did. However it was easier for us as he wasn't even reliably dry by the summer before he was due to start.

There's a brilliant FB group called something like parents of summer borns. A quick search round here and you'll find the proper name - it was a while ago for us!

Good luck OP

I would always defer if you can. I did for my child and it was more coping with exam stress and peer pressure i was thinking about. I have no idea how she will handle that when starting school, but think being older is better than being younger

I think more likely to regret sending too soon than waiting too long.

Appreciate many are fine being the youngest though and not everyone has the choice.

I have a v late August born DD who is now in sixth form. She was exceptionally shy when she was younger and had only turned 4 a few days before starting in reception. We chose not to delay her starting because she had been in Preschool for a year and all her friends were going up to school. We discussed our concerns with her Preschool key worker and the reception teacher and have absolutely no regrets about her starting when she did. We were lucky in that her primary school was a small village school (we live rurally) and was perfect for her, perhaps we would have felt differently if it had been larger. She did so well in her GCSES this year and although still shy, shows a great maturity for someone who has always been the youngest in her school year.

I know these threads tend to have many anecdotes from parents of summer borns who have strong feelings one way or another but just adding our experiences.

I’d make an appointment to discuss it with the current childcare provider, they will be able to give you there perspective.

We did that with our nursery teacher in October/November when we had concerns about our summer born son. She was absolutely adamant that he should not defer, and gave loads of examples about things he was doing really well. Possibly more reassuringly, she also went through our concerns and didn’t brush them off and instead agreed that these aspects were below expected but not out of a normal range and were things that could be worked on/developed over the year in the school nursery. As it turned out, he was absolutely ready for school and has thrived in reception (although his handwriting could be much better!).

Much more important than the academic side is the personality side - do you believe that your daughter will be emotionally ready for school? A year is a very long time so it’s really tricky to know.

My son was incredibly shy. He was more than that and diagnosed as a selective mute.

Deferring wasn't an option as he's a January birthday. We focused on selecting the right school for him (not easy during covid) and found a lovely tiny school perfect for his needs.

He has flourished at school and is unrecognisable now.

I'd apply for school and see how she goes during the next year.

I have a late august born just turned 3 year old, our children have a disadvantage due to the lockdowns. I know not all children have been effected by the pandemic (before anyone jumps in with ‘just an excuse for lazy parenting, my child has developed fine’) but every child really is different and need more/less experiences for development.

my child has been quite shy since birth and being locked away for months and months with just me and dad during the crucial months for development did have an effect. He does lack confidence and self esteem and became quite scared of busy places, loud noises and lots of people. He is great academically, knows the alphabet, can count to 30, count backwards, knows every shape, colour and animal because this is what we did with him during the lockdowns, however his general speech, social skills and confidence are lacking and for that reason we are delaying his reception start so that he is better developed and confident enough to thrive.

i’ve heard lots that there’s nothing wrong with an extra year of nursery and development. It’ll do more good than harm, they’re still toddlers.

To add to my earlier post, I think it’s more likely you will regret not deferring than deferring.

If you don’t defer and then your child struggles you’ll blame yourself and could have a massive knock on in their life. If you do defer and it turns out to be needless, in most cases it will just be the child being a bit bored at the start (although I appreciate this could disengage them longer term).

If you’re unsure, look into the last minute you can make the decision and make sure your understanding is totally correct as to how the procedure works. Between then and now there’s a lot of time for things to change.

I don’t see the benefit personally- have an August born child, surely it’s going to be even harder to join a year later. A shy kid is a shy kid regardless of when they are born. My niece in September born and so shy with a speech condition, that wouldn’t change a year earlier or later.

Thank you everyone for responding. The nursery tells us that she is very keen on group activities, very talkative and they are very pleased with her. However they were a bit concerned when I told them that after 2-3 weeks she hadn’t recognised names of her peers in the new group. One more thing worries me. Although she wears knickers she insists to poo into nappies only. I hope it will change this year but what if not. And another thing is that next summer we are planning to get a mortgage. We are thinking about staying in the same borough but I'm not sure about same street (that depends on the market). And if she starts reception in one school and then changes the school same year it would put a lot of pressure on her.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I see a change in her as she grows. A year ago she didn't want to speak to any person outside nursery or home. Even my parents who she sees unfortunately very rare. Or even her nursery fellows outside the nursery. This summer she started to go to playdates and even asked me to organise one. However she still shyer then other kids I see around. But I see how my efforts in boosting her confidence benefit her.

@Winceybincey Exactly. We (or our parents) were not able to travel and she didn't develop strong bonding with anyone except me and DH. So after we finally went to see our parents and saw the major distress it caused on our kid we hired a nanny for a couple of months (we moved so it was a pause between nurseries) and it helped her so much. She started to learn how to make friends.

Sounds like our children are similar. The lockdowns have had an effect like this on many children (nursery told me they’ve seen it a lot, especially in children that have no siblings), this added to the fact they’re summer born so still very young starting school, doesn’t call for a good start to education in my view. My son has started to improve, but I don’t think a year is long enough. I want him to thrive, not just be ‘fine’.

I’ve heard from some who haven’t delayed say their children did great during reception but really struggled in year 1 and were put back into reception. I’d be sad if that happened to my son after he’s worked hard to gain confidence and make friends to then be ripped away from them.

@Winceybincey DH says if she can say "I want Mary to come to our house with her mummy and sister. I want to show her my books" she is completely ok socially and I'm overreacting. If only classes were smaller (like in independent schools)...

Tbh. It's a long year between now and school (my youngest starts next year too)

Apply based on where you live now and her cohort. Find the right school for her now. Reassess in the summer term. She will change soooooooo much in the next 12 months.

Well she is certainly doing better than my son

How is her drawing?

Does she draw human forms? (I'm talking about head plus body in very rudimentary shapes with stick arms and legs, or just one pair of limbs).

What sort of detail does she put in faces she draws?

Does she put a belly button on rhe belly in her drawings?

Bear in mind that she's going to be a whole year older by then - which is a huge fraction of her life. I'd investigate how deferral works, but if you can leave the decision later, then do. Mine only really started making friends shortly before she turned 3. You're probably right that being bilingual may have made her a little more hesitant, but she may well catch up in the next year.

My daughter had a similar problem with pooing, but solved the problem by somehow contriving to poo only at night. Nursery and reception both put on her report that there were no issues with toiletting - little did they know! Hopefully yours will work it out soon without having to resort to such extreme measures.

If you move locally, but still near enough to get her to the school she's started at, you don't necessarily have to move her school. Although distance from the school plays a part in getting a place to start with, you don't get kicked out if you move a bit further away later.

My July-born DS didn't say much till three. About September time he then developed a marked stammer. After a few weeks I went in to discuss with his nursery to check in case anything had triggered it, make sure we were all approaching it the same way (ignoring/not drawing attention to it/giving him time) etc. An astute manager pointed out that he'd started talking loads more after the older children had left the preschool room to go up to school, and the stammer probably related to not being able to keep up with what he wanted to say. He was definitely ready for school the next year even though socially he didn't always keep up.

Now in 6th form, he's still one for not saying anything if there is nothing that needs saying; though he becomes quite animated about lots of topics given the opportunity. I'd say that children grow so much between 3 and 4, a lot of what you're describing is very compatible with a child still being very ready for school next year.

I’d recommend joining the facebook group ‘Flexible School Admissions for Summer Borns’, which will give you great advice for how to write letters etc. if you do decide to delay her school start.
People have strong feelings on this subject - I am really for delaying until compulsory school age and did so for both of my children (July and August birthdays). I’m also a Reception teacher myself. They can still start in Reception and you can still claim the 30 hours funding to use for preschool. They don’t have to miss Reception, as long as you have agreement from the Head/ Local Authority. The only difference is they get to start school at just turned 5 rather than just turned 4 and they are a whole year older and more ready for school than they were the year before. Reception is amazing and so much learning is done there, but it’ll still be there when she’s 5.