Ds finding it hard in the playground (reception age)

[ETsmum]

Ds started school in Sept (July baby so just 4) and seems to have generally settled in realy well - teacher raised no concerns at parents eve in Nov, ds generally happy to go, enthusiastic about learning etc. BUT I am feeling increasingly sad for him as he is telling me more and more that no one would play with him at play/lnch time, or that he has asked x if he could play and he said no. What do you do with something lie this? I've suggested things he could do by himself, asking other children or sitting on the friendship bench but it still seems to be happening.

I appreciate it may be a case of him being my one and only pfb, but he is a sensitive soul and I hate to see him unhappy but don't know what else to suggest. I think part of the problem MAY be that he is one of the "less rough and tumble" boys...

Is there anything else I can do? Books we can read? Should I mention it to his teacher, or too excessive? Will it sort itself out if left alone? Thanks for any advice/moral support

I think you should def mention it to the teacher. Ds1 has problems in the playground, he has sn and can't do the rough and tumble, so he gets left out a lot. It really is heartbreaking, so I know how you feel.

The school should be helping you though, at ours they do try to pair off any children that they see playing alone.

The other thing you can do is invite children home for playdates.

I would definitely mention it to the teacher.

She probably doesn't do playground duty everyday but she could get the TA or whoever is on duty to encourage your ds to be more confident.
I help in school and am often there at playtime.There are quite a few children who wander around aimlessly,some are quite happy doing this others not so.

Yes, definitely mention it to the teacher. I second the idea of aksing him which children/child in his class he likes, and inviting them over, so that he can establish friendships on which he can build in school. Good luck!

Could it be that he is saying he plays with no-one and really does? My DS used to say this to me,until I went and watched through the fence at playtime to see him playing with a group of boys.

Definitely, definitely mention it to his teacher. S/he should address it by firstly monitoring the situation, then dealing with it, by talking to the whole class about being friendly/kind to others. She may be able to manipulate situations for him to play with others.

The school may have a buddy system in place which deals with these situations.

It is not uncommon for all children to experience feeling alone in the playground at some time, but I really feel for you and your DS as it's awful to think they maybe unhappy at school or anywhwere. Good luck

DD's school has a buddy system for exactly this problem: children higher up the school volunteer to help out at reception/y1 playtimes and if they see anyone on their own, they look after them and play with them. That way a bit of senior glamour rubs off on the wobbliest new children... Works brilliantly.

Also, if he is being excluded by certain children, I'd definitely take it to the teacher. Wouldn't mention their names but I'd certainly say this sort of thing is happening, and could the teaching staff have a general chat to the class about it. (Again, this happened with dd's recep class, and the way the staff handled it really saw it off at the pass)

I would mention it to the teachers too. They should be encouraging children to join in. We have a bus stop system at our school where children go and stand if they want somebody to play with. The teachers and dinner ladies help them find somebody. I would think most schools have something similar.

Does he have any particular friends in the classroom? How about inviting the friend home for tea to encourage the children to play together.

I know exactly how you feel by the way. My DS1 was very similar (not rough and tumble or sporty) but I have found that actually he isn't always as bothered about spending time alone, at least not as bothered as I am on his behalf!

Thanks all for your messages (damn it you made me cry!)

Thanks for the reassurance that it is ok to mention to his teacher - I find it so hard to tell sometimes if I am making a fuss over nothing iykwim? ggirl, I would be happy IF he was happy wondering round aimlessly, dh especially likes his own company, but he really seems to want to join in.

Will work harder on playdates, as there are a few childern he mentions a lot....some of the same ones that he says won't play sometimes. It is hard as most of his "special friends" that he has known since a baby are now at different schools. We meet up a couple of times a month and things are fine with them, it just isn't possible more often, plus I think it's important for him to make "new" friend at school.

Mimizan, I was conscious that he might be elaborating/making some of it up, but we all wait with the children first thing til the bell goes and I have seen it 1st hand I don't think it's all the time though, and I have also seen him run off and play quite happily.

Thanks all for the reassurance, you're all very kind

Just a thought, but were the rest of the class in the school nursery together? If so they could have already formed friendships. This won't prevent your DS ever making friends there, it just may mean it takes a bit longer to break into already established groups. It is clear he has good social skills as you mentioned other friends out of school.

I am sure it will all settle down. School seems such a minefield when your first child starts, but you and your DC will become more familiar with it all soon. Don't be afraid of approaching the teacher about any concerns. That's what they are there for, and you know your DC best.

The idea about a general chat to the class sounds hopeful - ds's teacher is lovely, so sure she'll be helpful. The (sad) thing is that it seems to be the group that he did know from playschool that seems to be excluuding him. I'm also a bit concerned as he seems to end up playing with the "naughty child" in the class, probably as he will play where the others won't. So I have also seen this child grabbing his coat and holding on etc, even when he asks said child to let go (touch wood ds wouldn't hit out, but I feel he needs to stick up for himself a bit more...)

Will try to find out exactly how the friendship bench is meant to work at ds's school - know they have bigger children being "playground monitors" but again a bit hazy about what they do.

Niecie sums it up well in that I am probably more bothered on his behalf than he is, on the other hand I don't want to let it "become" a problem to him more than it is. Ds is the sort of child that cried when left at playschool (abait briefly) up until the term before he started in reception, and we haven't had any tears about school - yet. Really want to nip this in the bud and will be speaking to his teacher today/tomorrow.

Thanjs again for all the kind words and reassurace, you really can tell he is my pfb and I'm having a parenting wobble, can't you?

Just to let you know that I managed to speak to ds's teacher after school today and she has promised to do a circle time on friendship related things. She also said she will keep a close eye and that he seems popular at school

Great news. Bet you feel so much better now.

Yes loads beter Mimizan And ds got his 1st swimming badge today too, so he is happy too.

Glad to see he's happier but if he's not 'rough and tumble' why not encourage to play with some of the girls? My DS was quite similar to yours, he didn't like getting muddy and having his knees grazed for no apparent reason (his own words aged 5, still makes me giggle)
He played house etc with a smallish group of girls lots, they loved having a 'dad' and he liked staying clean and uninjured, now aged 15 he has stayed very close friends with the 2 who went to his secondary and is umm, rather popular with the girls...

great news.

Also, I think peapod's suggestion is great and it's lovely to hear that it worked out for your ds1 long term. My ds1 has an invite from a girl at school, I must follow it up.

Glad that he is doing okay and you are feeling happier. I second the playdates thing - in DD1's reception class there is a fair amount of "I'm playing with so and so today because they're coming to my house for tea tonight".

i think having worked in schools and often done playtime duties there ae children who opt to play alone and are content to be alone if your son wants to play alongside others then id definitely speak to the teacher and maybe think about inviting some friends home to play....its a certain stage of development where a child is able to join in group play and requires confidence you will undoubtedly find in 6 months things will have changed( i say this knowing i stood at the fence watching my son try and join in the fun-i was hidden by trees but that is the lengths we mums go to to protect and help our dc- in the end what helped my son was football!! a new pair of footy boots and a nike ball and everyone let him play)