New school is rubbish... wtf do I do now?

[JuliaUsesPeople]

TL;DR because it's a long post: DS moved schools. They didn't follow handover safety properly putting him at risk and he's being picked on already and they aren't resolving it. I can't keep him there. Schools nearby are full. What can I do next?

We moved house recently and got a place for ds (year 5/6) at our third choice school because the others were full. It seemed great when we looked round. Lots of promises and talk about how they put childrens mental health first etc. He was there for two weeks before summer and in that time we had him home in tears several times because of someone picking on him and the teachers not handling it well (telling the two children teacher was sick of dealing with stuff like this before being dumped on another teacher who didn't resolve the issue at all), handing ds over to an adult they havent met before without checking his password despite knowing there are concerns with other people possibly turning up to collect him (luckily it was my dad), didn't buddy him up like the promised when we looked round, etc. He was sobbing when he came out of school on one of the days and the teachers just stood there looking at him, didn't communicate anything to me despite it being his first week at school and (as I later found out) he'd been picked on through out the day and had been crying on and off.

I cannot send him back in September. The main reason is the fact he was handed over without checking the password to someone they didn't know despite them assuring me earlier that week (when i provided the background info) that they would not let him go without checking first. I know people make mistakes and it was all fine anyway but next time it might not be. The trust is broken. That combined with how little they seemed to bother settling him in especially when he's been upset and been targetted repeatedly by another child already when they bleat about how well they look after children's mental health means this isn't the school for us.

I've filled in school transfers again but I know most of the schools here are oversubscribed because its a big city but not as many schools as there could be. The admissions team have said they don't process things over summer because of the schools being shut so what do I do in September when he's meant to go back? What do we do if all the schools close by and further away are full? I'm so worried about him because he's had a shit few years with me being very ill so it was supposed to be the start of a stable year for him.

Does anyone have any advice?

Have you put your name down on the he waiting lists for the other schools? There's usually some movement in most classes at the end of/start of school year, so a space may well open up for your son.

for handovers, that one is a bit tricky. At our school, the Year 5s supervise the handovers of the younger students. There is teacher supervision above them obviously, but the year 5s walk them to their adult and do the actual handoff. So I would expect a year 5 without special needs to be allowed to do their own handover.

the bullying is a problem. I’m also not certain that you should be so quick to change schools. You came in during the last 2 weeks which is highly unusual. Teachers were in end of year mode and just weren’t likely prepared to be integrating a new student. I also know that teachers at our school last year had an especially tough time. Behavior problems were higher than normal. It’s been associated with kids missing out on critical development by being in lockdown. Teacher burnout was high and many more quit at the end of the year than normal. When they said they just couldn’t deal with the kids anymore, they likely meant it. I’m not trying to excuse the bullying, I’m just not certain that a different school would be an improvement.

Does the school policy say a password for y5/6?
Often at that have they can walk home themselves.

You seem overly invested/upset about this. Is there a deeper issue?

Based on the background info I provided about our situation, they set up a password system for ds and assured me several times it would be followed considering the risk to his safety. It wasn't. And @PasswordProtection Of course I'm upset about it/invested in my ds's safety. There are genuine safety concerns about his being collected by someone else and they agreed to doing the password based on this fact. If they couldn't facilitate it, they could have told me and I would have had to work something else out. It's the fact they assured me multiple times they would do it for his safety. It's not like I randomly asked them to do it for the fun of it or something 😂

@Ponderingwindow That's a fair point. We did wonder about whether summer and end of term was a factor in the way they did nothing they said they would. They knew he was starting that week when they said those things about buddying him up etc though so, for me, it's just more proof that it isn't the school for us because they could easily have recommended waiting until September, especially knowing his background info that I gave them.

@Alloutatsea We aren't on any waiting lists because when we were given the third choice school we were happy with it until they didn't follow through with stuff and the handover issue. That's a good point about maybe a space might open up over summer. Fingers crossed!

You can't hold a place until September, so it was either offer it then or go onto the next family on the waiting list.

I wonder whether moving schools again just risks a repeat and it may be more effective to make a fuss at the current school.

They made a mistake. If you make a big fuss, they’ll take it more seriously than a potential new school giving you empty reassurances.

Most schools do not handover children of that age with a password. If there is a significant danger of your child being abducted by someone who does not have parental responsibility, you need to arrange for him to be collected from the school office. He would need to go to the school office and wait. You need to give the school details of who is not allowed to collect him. You also need to make sure your child is aware of and understands why this rule is in place.

Your child being picked on. You need to be aware that there may be another side that you are not hearing. It is hard to know whether the school hasn't dealt with it as there needs to be much more detail about what actually happened.

I would also expect that your father should have identified himself and given the password. Did he not know about your rule either?

If the school doesn't have a password system then they should have made that clear.

At our school it would be viewed as a safeguarding failure to hand a child over to an adult without express permission from the parent. If there's any doubt whatsoever then the class teacher is expected to keep the child in their care until it's been verified. That applies to every single child in the school, unless the parent has given written permission for their child to leave school grounds without an adult.

A child being "picked on" is more of a grey area. I've had parents adamant that their child is being picked on because of incidents that their child has told them about - only those particular incidents didn't actually happen. Some were physically impossible, eg the child who'd supposedly hurt a child in the playground at lunchtime had actually been off school grounds at the time. Others were witnessed by staff and not at all as reported.

Of course there are also times when it is exactly as a child has said and we would look at strategies for dealing with that.

The last couple of weeks of term are a tough time for new starters. The usual school routines are disrupted by all the special events, assemblies, visits, class parties etc. It's not as easy for a new child to slot into things, and some children will need a bit longer before they feel settled.

For me it would depend on the school's attitude. If they've apologised and made changes to ensure the safeguarding issue doesn't happen again then I would look at keeping him where he is for September. Everyone will be settling in to their new routines and timetables, so your DS would hopefully be better able to settle and make friends. If the school is in denial then perhaps you're better off looking for somewhere else.

This all sounds very difficult for the school. I would stay put and work with the school and make sure you let the school know if you don’t collect DS yourself. You cannot throw everything back on the school and not have any responsibility yourself. Why was your father there without anyone knowing he was collecting? Does your DS understand who is collecting him each day?

I get you worry but why are you so worried about MH in school? Is DS having more difficulties than you are letting on? I’m not sure another school is the best idea. You and DS need to work this through with the school. Not try and move again. It’s not giving DS continuity and it makes his life more and more difficult. Why didn’t you ask the school why he was upset? Is he easily upset? What did the other children say or do? I would build up his confidence. I’m assuming he’s going into y6. You need stability. What are you doing for secondary? That’s a big wide world and you need to prepare him. Running away won’t do it.

As others have said it's highly unusual for a Year 5s to be handed over and to have passwords. Did DS say that it was his grandad?
No buddying up also seems odd - it's so automatic for schools to assign a person to look after a newcomer, and at Year 5, I'd expect the children themselves to rally round anyway.
What have you done to follow up on the issues/try to et to the bottom of them? I'd be really wary of moving again until you understand what the issues were - you may just find they perpetuate in a new school.

Will he have a different teacher when going back in September? If so, wait and see how he settles in then. One bad teacher doesn't automatically make the whole school rubbish.

What you can do is
a) keep him at home
b) apply to more schools
c) appeal to other schools once they turn you down for being full. you may well be able to base an appeal on the fact that your current school failed to follow agreed safeguarding (and therefore you have no school). It may well be unusual to have password systems for a y5/6, but if a school knew your reasons and agreed to it then it absolutely is a failure if they then didn't follow them.

Only you know the risks to your DS and why you feel he wouldn't be able to choose not to go with someone unexpected who turned up for him. Presumably there are strong reasons and you need the school to be solid on this issue.

(you do also need to think how it will work when your DS is in y7 and may be travelling independently.)

@TeenDivided
The op would have no idea if the other schools will be better. Moving is high risk. Going into y6 and sats is difficult enough without starting all over again. The DS hasn’t had time to make friends and op needs to work with school over this and collection arrangements.

I'm confused. I can't remember the last time I've had to ask for a password - the person collecting should supply it. Why didn't your dad? I agree with a PP that if there is genuinely a real risk your Yr 5/6 child will go off with an adult he shouldn't, then he needs to be collected via the office by one of a very small number of pre-identified adults.

I am taking the OP at face value that she has very real security concerns over her DS. Those concerns are likely to override other issues such as friends or academics. If her trust has gone in the school on this issue then moving seems sensible.
Though I agree collecting from school office may be a way forward at future school.

Are people reading the op?

The school were apparently on board with the password and indicated they could manage that, when they could have said we don't do that for this age group. Never mind saying grandad should have offered the password, if they're going to hand the child over without the password it's utterly pointless having one if you rely on someone offering it - how are people not getting that? The person or persons that should not be allowed to collect the child aren't going to announce they don't know it! There may be a risk from abusive ex, the child might have been adopted from a family that did not accept the decision, whatever the reason, the school agreed to a process and didn't follow it.

Also regardless of the ins and outs of why the child was in tears at pick up time, a child who has just started a new school was in tears at pick up time. At my child's primary school I cannot imagine staff not picking up on this and having a word with both child and parent.

Whether it's best to look for a new school or stick with this one is hard to say, but I can't understand why anyone thinks op is over-reacting.

Are you sure your son didn’t say it was his grandparent?

also your son has capacity to tell the teacher it’s a dangerous person awaiting to collect him?

how old is he?

don’t give up just yet.

did you not take your concerns to the school when it was open?

NameChange Precisely. I think many posters seem unable to envisage a situation where a y5/6 wouldn't be able to just choose to not go off with someone. You just need a bit of SEN or anxiety or naivety and bingo they go off with Grandma from birth family, or Mum's manipulative abusive ex.

My DCs are adopted. We had rules about no photos in the press or online. That got broken once, but only after I had been with the school 6 or 7 years and had built up considerable trust (and risk had diminished through time). If that had happened in the first week before real trust had built up I too might well have thought about moving schools.

One slip up snd no dialogue after is not going to help. Do they keep moving on? What about secondary? I think DS has difficulties with school changes. I’m not sure I believe there’s not a buddy system. He’s being damaged by all of this and needs stability. It’s perfectly possible to work with this school. Friends do matter! This child was taken away from friends. That’s clearly been hard. Moving again is surely not in his best interests. Working with the school is.

We prefer not to tip people off that there's a password system in place 🙄 It's also usually used in respect of one-off collections by previously unencountered people - neighbours; friends - who understand the importance and use it, discreetly, straight away. It's not a test. A family member who presumably agrees how important it is, should be supplying it unasked.

It’s very unusual for a child of that age to have a handover password so it probably hasn’t been communicated properly. Children of that age aren’t usually ‘handed over’, they are just let out of school, often to walk home alone at that age. The school shouldn’t have told you that they would use one, but one individual at the school telling you they would use one doesn’t mean that the whole school is rubbish.

Why do you feel the need for a password instead of just telling your ds he isn’t allowed to leave without certain people?

Have you considered child therapy? It sounds like he needs some emotional support. Tbh whichever school he goes to he is going to deal with bullies - this is a fact of life unfortunately. I think he needs to learn some coping skills and resilience. Bullies pick on children with low self esteem, therapy may help build up his confidence and be able to handle these people better. Just an idea 🤷‍♀️

Year 5/6 are generally just allowed to go. Many of them walk home independently.

Why is he being picked on?

Perhaps your expectations were a bit high?

Is your child aware of who is or isn’t allowed to pick them up after school?And why? A year five child without communication problems should be perfectly capable of saying who they can leave with.