Worst school report ever - advice please

[MamaJubba]

My son is leaving primary school and off to secondary school in Sept. He was recently diagnosed with dyslexia and is quite an impulsive boy. His IQ when tests at school in 133 and he has been doing well so far in school. The past 6mths have been difficult, constantly getting in trouble and not focusing/ finishing his work. So much so the skills and strategy leader suggested he is assessed for ADHD. He is a caring, highly emphatic with a strong sense of the world around him. He is a fantastic imagination, loves to speak and is always campaigning to make things better. He is totally down and I feel some of the teachers comments really hurt him. I let him read the report. He told me “ I always get blamed for things even if I don’t always do them”. I will have the opportunity to start afresh at my new school” Breaks my heart as I do suspect there is some unconscious bias here.

Any tips to prepare for secondary school please for a child with SEN and now quite low self esteem? Thank you x

[Idiotintraining]

Hi

I am dyslexic but mine wasn't diagnosed till university. I think the big thing is let him do things at his own pace. Depending on the type of dyslexia (mine is memory based) maybe do some fun activities that use the same skills that he is being taught in school but in a fun way so he dosent feel as left out. When kine was diagnosed one university teacher always praised me and said well done and that spured me on as the teacher had faith in me.

[FawnFrenchieMum]

My advice is get in touch with the SENDCO asap an ensure there is support in place and is treated as they would with a ADHD diagnosis. We didn’t, and waiting to see how he got on first. By the end of year 7 most of the teachers wrote my DS off as a naughty and a problem. We finally got an ADHD diagnosis in year 9 (during lockdown) and later ASD. It was an awful few years. Be proactive and get the support in place asap.

[KarrotKake]

Can you find something he loves, and build on that over the summer?

DS is now Y8 so finished primary in covid lock downs. He had a couple of calls with secondary, one of which was a 1-1. We had looked at some of the Oak Accademy summer stuff, and he had cooked a couple of meals and done some other bits from there. They were impressed, and set him off on the right foot with his class tutor.

He's also dyslexic and bright. He has found his tribe at secondary, and got a really great set of friends. I suspect most are on the SEN register for one reason or another, but they are all just lovely. DS is thriving.

[Summer1912]

Whereabouts is he in the school year?
I know for a fact once you get a rep you get blamed/treated differently to those without.
as dc1 was 'naughty' every year. Their mate hit a kid and dc1 had to go to HT and got same punishment just for not telling (which she would never do)
We are going ahead with asd investigation. So sad that almost all the kids who struggle at school from reception up have ended up diagnosed and how different these years would have been with it earlier.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Where are you that they are doing IQ tests in school?

[ivykaty44]

Tell him to pick his friends wisely

friends will have 90% influence on him and you 10%

so use the 10% to get him to pick good friends that won’t lead him into trouble

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

Ds was diagnosed with autism at the beginning of year 6. Though it explained a lot of what he struggled with his end of school report was shit. Full of ‘tends to be silly’ ‘gets distracted’ etc. No recognition of what he had actually achieved despite all his difficulties. I was fuming and did not show him it. I went to the SENCO sobbed to her and said WTF was this last year of fighting for support and understanding about if they still come out with all this crap. She agreed. Though I wanted that to be it I got called in to a meeting. On the afternoon of his last bloody day at the school. SENCO came with me as I was shaking. The thing was what could they do??? But I said my bit. I really stood up for him. They asked what did I want them to do? Write a new report? I said no I wanted them not to have written the bloody thing in the first place. The hardest thing was deputy head was there. Who was his form teacher in Year 2. When all his problems were becoming more apparent. I was in school for one of their ‘chats’ and I asked desperately ’do you think he has special needs’ and she said. ‘No’.

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

As the qualified ed professional I took her word for it. She advised I go on a parenting course where there were parents who had had their children removed and all sorts. He continued to struggle all the way through school. They kept flagging up things mentioned SENCO but never referred him. Delay after delay. When finally referred and assessed diagnosis was pretty immediate. But by then he’d had years of issues at school and very very low self esteem.

They wrote him a new report. I never read it. It’s still in my room sealed in its envelope.

[LillyDeValley]

Totally agree with @FawnFrenchieMum . Be proactive. With a child with SEN you have to be the squeaky wheel. Everyone gets labelled, be it clever, kind etc. SEN children without diagnosis get labelled naughty, silly etc. I am not saying it’s plain sailing even with a diagnosis but it is better.

Any comments at parents evening along the silly line etc, “given he’s on a pathway for diagnosis of various sen why do you think this is silliness rather then that? Given his sen how are you supporting him?”

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

Sorry for breaks - was typing so much didn’t want to lose it in error.

So we thought new school new start. But it was pretty rocky. Grammar school not really geared up for SEN. Despite all their claims. After a few years of that he moved schools in year 10. Finally a supportive encouraging school. The staff were amazing. Unlike the previous secondary at the parents evening for the first time my tears were not of frustration and despair but of pride for my wonderfully clever but a bit tricky son. The first time. And what was the best bit. Seeing him sitting and going from slumped down to sat up straight with pride when he heard what they said about him.

There are shit schools and shit teachers. Then there are good ones. My one bit of advice is be your son’s champion. His advocate. And find somewhere where the teachers make him feel proud of himself. Not shit.

Ds is now 19. Thank bloody god school is behind him.

[MamaJubba]

IQ test was part of the ED Psych assessment for dyslexia - so that’s how we found it out.

[MamaJubba]

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences.

[Bwix]

Hello OP: I have framed my end of year 6 report and have it next to my degree certificate from Cambridge.

It says 'it's a pity Bwix has not given of her best this year. Her work is presented poorly and is below average for the class..." and then some comments on behaviour.

I turned it around in secondary: I wanted to prove people wrong. As others have said, your ds needs to find the right friends but also decide for himself that he wants to do well. SENDCO support can make a huge difference too. I only discovered fiddle toys like tangle as an adult, but even as a teenager I used to have lumps of Blu tac to fiddle with to help me focus. Your ds has a great opportunity for a fresh start.

[cansu]

This really should not have been a surprise. You were aware that he had been getting into trouble. The school had suggested testing for ADHD.

I think you are taking the easy route by choosing to believe the school are 'biased' and that they are 'blaming him' unfairly. If he was doing well before the last six months, why were they not biased then? Why are you believing an 11 year old over the staff?

I guess you will have your answer after about 6 months in secondary. You might be better off taking on board what the report says, talking about nipping it in the bud at secondary and having a clear conversation with your child about using his fresh start properly.

[LillyDeValley]

Wow @cansu a child being on a pathway for ADHD should expect a bad school report? It’s actually very common in children with high intellect to be able to mask until they are older and then it all comes crashing apart as things become more complicated and their coping strategies are not sufficient.

You can’t nip ADHD or any other ND in the bud. A conversation is not going to improve his working memory; however, that sort of attitude will utterly destroy his self esteem (why children with ND have higher rates of MH and self-harm.

[cansu]

A school suggesting an assessment is not the same as a diagnosis. What is the point of a report that tells lies? Should the report say that the child is making great progress and is behaving well when the last six months have been terrible?

[MamaJubba]

@KarrotKake

Can you find something he loves, and build on that over the summer?

DS is now Y8 so finished primary in covid lock downs. He had a couple of calls with secondary, one of which was a 1-1. We had looked at some of the Oak Accademy summer stuff, and he had cooked a couple of meals and done some other bits from there. They were impressed, and set him off on the right foot with his class tutor.

He's also dyslexic and bright. He has found his tribe at secondary, and got a really great set of friends. I suspect most are on the SEN register for one reason or another, but they are all just lovely. DS is thriving.

So happy to hear this :-)

[MamaJubba]

@Bwix

Hello OP: I have framed my end of year 6 report and have it next to my degree certificate from Cambridge.

It says 'it's a pity Bwix has not given of her best this year. Her work is presented poorly and is below average for the class..." and then some comments on behaviour.

I turned it around in secondary: I wanted to prove people wrong. As others have said, your ds needs to find the right friends but also decide for himself that he wants to do well. SENDCO support can make a huge difference too. I only discovered fiddle toys like tangle as an adult, but even as a teenager I used to have lumps of Blu tac to fiddle with to help me focus. Your ds has a great opportunity for a fresh start.

@Bwix . So inspiring. I feel he will do well and he told me secondary school is a fresh start. He felt he would always be told off whether he had made a mistake or not in primary school.

[Oblomov22]

You see him totally differently to his school sees him. You describe him as fantastic. Have you tried teaching a class with lots of SEN children? It's really hard. Fantastic? I suspect not. You really really need to consider this aspect first.

See GP immediately and ask for ADHD referral. See primary school Senco. Make appointment with secondary Senco. He doesn't even need a diagnosis. They can put into place all the strategies and all the support. If they choose to. If you can get them to. Make sure they at least know about him. Then he'll be noted as 'referred for possible ADHD' rather than 'the naughty boy' which is what he could be labelled very quickly, if you don't take action.

[Oblomov22]

Actually, tell primary school, that you should've already been refered to secondary school Senco. Ring her. Get number of secondary Senco and just call her. No one can stop you! Talk to her. They should be putting provisions into place for his dyslexia anyway. You have been badly let down. Act now. To stop that continuing.

[Oblomov22]

And get this thread moved to the SN section so you can get some proper advice and support.

[Seaweasel]

If, after reading it, you thought it would hurt him, why on earth let him read it? The report is for you - it shouldn't contain surprises but also, it needs to give an honest account of issues you as a parent need to be aware of for your DC starting secondary. Give him edited highlights, take it in yourself, and go from there. It's a report, not fanmail.

[Rosehugger]

Contact the Senco at the new school, consider getting him assessed privately for ADHD, apply for EHCP, appeal EHCP application as they are always rejected first time. Join group Not Fine in School on Facebook and arm yourself with information about what you can ask for from the school and how to deal with them if they become difficult. Secondary schools can be absolutely fucking awful at dealing with SEN or mental/physical health conditions - especially which result in behavioural issues in class and absence from school.

www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/?ref=share

[Lingoflaming]

www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/

Free webinars for parents

[MamaJubba]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I’m in touch with secondary senco and the primary senco replied to my mail