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Supporting my son who is repeating reception class

46 replies

Welshy221 · 24/06/2022 18:22

We are happy for our son to repeat reception class, but have had little support on how to tell him apart from being positive. Any experienced parents/ teachers willing to give advice please.

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Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:26

Repeating is the norm all over America and Europe. And most countries allow discretion for parents of summer born babies. UK system is positively anarchic. Time to move with the times

I am nor sure this answer helps, if it was the norm where children repeated, then what would be the point, I think everyone knows it’s not the norm,

user1479588581 · 15/12/2022 18:07

It's a funny one because I know of several children both state and private that have repeated years (likely behind due to Covid). My friends brother repeated a year and the only disadvantage he had turned up when he got to senior school all his friends were asking him to buy beer as he was the first of them to hit 18!

I think in my sons class the first lot of birthdays were in September so there's what 5-6 months between them which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'm also trying to understand when a child would be asked about this, I don't think their peers would be that interested, I certainly wasn't even aware of the difference in ages between me and my friends! Furthermore what about other kids that come in from overseas that have repeated years previously, it's not an issue then, is it?! I'd rather have a happy more confident son than to force him up when he just wasn't ready. My husband took several exams a year early, so we may find that he catches up later on and has to jump up a year, we'll tackle that when it comes.

TizerorFizz · 15/12/2022 23:35

It is. We don’t ask foreign Dc to repeat years. Private schools don’t mind but keeping Dc back is detrimental to friendships and self esteem. It also means Dc could not progress in other ways. Do they repeat the history, sport, art, geography and science? How boring for them. Additional help is the way forward. Not ensuring Dc is the cuckoo in the YR nest.

SamPoodle123 · 16/12/2022 23:16

My ds repeated reception and it was the best decision we made. It is a little complicated though, as my ds started reception only the age of 3 (october born), the school was bilingual and he entered through the French way, which ment december born is youngest in the class. Anyway, he then was able to enter through the British way, which meant he had to repeat the year, but that meant he was in his correct year for the British system. The teachers tried to tell me not to do it, he was fine etc. I decided to use my own judgement and so glad I did. We have no regrets. He is thriving (now year 4) and super happy. No problems repeating. I explained the reasons why. One or two kids made a comment about him repeating and I just explained to them the reasons for it and that was it.

runningpram · 17/12/2022 08:38

@SamPoodle123 but your son was in the right year for the British system. That is a different situation to telling a child who is in their correct age group and has only minor difficulties that they must resit a year and leave them feeling the odd one out.
@user1479588581 glad things have gone better for your family members.
If you're planning on sticking with the same private school the whole way through then perhaps it's less of an issue.
However to note my relative doesn't really talk about the issues he faced widely and tries to put a brave face on it. For my relative the issue came up every time he met with peers of his own age outside of school and for whatever reason had to mention age and school year. - which was perhaps surprisingly reasonably regularly.
Clearly if a child has very major developmental or emotional issues - to the extent they don't know that they're resitting- retention is a different issue.
However then it shouldn't be seen as the full solution.

SamPoodle123 · 17/12/2022 13:57

Yes, but tbh I do not think a child would register this at such a young age. To my ds he repeated the year, I do not think he quite got the complicated reasons why. But he understood the reasons we gave, that we would be saving money if he switched to the British state side instead of staying in the French fee paying side. That it would be better if he is the oldest in the class instead of the youngest. He would be better at sports now that he is older. Plus we offered a toy as a celebratory thing. We were happy he could repeat the year, as I knew it would be best for him. Even if a child is August born, you could still say you want them to be older in the class and that children born during the summer can have the option to stay back if they see fit. Children that young will just accept the reasons given. I know a girl that repeated the year when I was young and her reason was because she was too short. Obviously, that was not the case, but no one questioned it further.

SamPoodle123 · 17/12/2022 14:07

@TizerorFizz the teachers were worried it would be boring for my son to repeat everything, but you know what? It was not. He did not seem to mind. There were some changes as well. Plus new friends to be made. He was super happy, still thriving. Exceeding in all subjects, best at sports etc. However, half his school is taught in French so he was just learning the French language for first time in MS, so repeating the year for him was probably more beneficial. I was really worried and stressing about it at first because everyone was against it. The teachers even told me after the first term when he repeated the year that we made the right choice because they can see he is really thriving.

Choconut · 17/12/2022 14:29

Is he ND? I'm just a bit concerned that you said he's staying back to 'learn how to play'. If he is ND then the way he plays will be different but not wrong. I think it would be wrong to try to 'make' him play like NT children.
Interesting page on ND play here,
autistic-village.com/2021/08/12/learning-to-play-no-playing-to-learn/

TizerorFizz · 17/12/2022 17:47

@SamPoodle123
I think you said he started at 3 so it’s not the British system. My DDs would definitely have known at 4/5 they were kept back. However they didn’t need to be so maybe that’s the difference?

When I was working I did see parents who wanted Downs DC kept back. Sometimes for 2 years. I think this is really difficult. Maybe they would not know but I would question if they are in the right setting.

SamPoodle123 · 17/12/2022 19:15

@TizerorFizz sorry, of course he knew he was kept back! But what I meant was, they would not understand the reasons why. They just accept what you tell them. In my ds case it was because he entered the school through the French way, which meant he had to start MS/Reception age 3, turning 4 end of October, just like his little sister is now doing (her bday is December). The only difference is, she is doing fully French, so we will just switch her to the British side, which is bilingual when she is the correct age for Reception. For my son, at the time this was not an option, so he had to start in the MS/Reception bilingual stream at age 3. But when he got a spot via the British side, he had to repeat the year because he needed to follow the British entry rules. Very complicated. But anyway, in the end it suited him much better. We told him the reasons why and he accepted and did not question it. He had no problem with making new friends. He was so young, he forgot his old friends and just made new ones. If he was August born and we made the decision based only on he was not ready, then I would just explain it in the same way. You are summer born, so the youngest in the year, you have the option to repeat so you can be the eldest in the year, which is better for you. You will make new friends. Let's celebrate this new decision made with a dinner out and a special gift....or something along those lines to let the dc know it is a good, fun and special thing....not something that is unusual. If you make it seem fine and something good, the child will believe it and move on from it, but if you dwell and give off the wrong vibes, I think the child will feel this.

My only other experience of this is my childhood friend, who simply told everyone she had to repeat because she was too short and she went on to have a very happy school experience, no problem. People did not question her further and tbh I am still not sure why she even repeated the year! I assume because she was struggling at school. But no one ever asked her again except for the first time when we noticed she was repeating and that was it. And both of these experiences were fine. AND also even my dd says they constantly repeat stuff in her year (year 6) and she is super bored and she never repeated....so I think they repeat things sometimes anyway to help the children retain the information.

But like a pp said, if there are other issues at play here repeating the year will not simply solve the problem....it really depends what it is. When a child starts too young, it does impact them. My son was only two months away from an August birthday and when he started a year early, he would be falling asleep sometimes at the end of the day, had a few wetting accidents, could not read past stage 1 by the end of the year....he just was not ready and I did not push it. After he repeated the year and was in the correct year, he never had another accident at school, never fell asleep at the end of the school day again and he quickly went from struggling to reading to way ahead and now top of his class, exceeding in math and English. I believe my ds is a bright child and would have eventually caught up if we kept him in the year he was, but so glad we did not push him through. There is no rush to finish school.

AuroraCake · 17/12/2022 21:40

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 08:26

Repeating is the norm all over America and Europe. And most countries allow discretion for parents of summer born babies. UK system is positively anarchic. Time to move with the times

I am nor sure this answer helps, if it was the norm where children repeated, then what would be the point, I think everyone knows it’s not the norm,

It’s becoming more normalised. And as the system moves to a more stringent year on year teaching as opposed to levels, this should become more common. I have thought many children who I know would have done with an extra year. Parents know their children. The August/September borderline is after all artificial.

CatSpeakForDummies · 17/12/2022 21:49

My sons best friend repeated P1 (Scottish equivalent of reception). The new class were only mildly interested, impressed he had older friends and had totally forgotten by 3 months in. He won't stand out in the new class.

Just tell him that some people fit in best being the oldest in a class and some fit better as the youngest. You have realised he would like school more as the oldest, so you're going to try that instead and isn't he lucky to have x teacher and he'll still see his yr1 friends, no big deal.

SharonKaren · 03/02/2023 20:15

Crazycrazylady · 13/12/2022 20:05

Honestly my sil simplified it to her ds saying that you had to be 5.5 ( what ever age) to be into year 1 and he wasn't that age yet..
Dneohew accepted that pretty easily

simple solutions are usually the most elegant!

TizerorFizz · 03/02/2023 23:18

It’s actually lying @SharonKaren This decision will have to be explained at some point.

SharonKaren · 04/02/2023 21:20

Fine by me! You don't need to be super puritan with a 4 year old. Santa exists in our house. When they're old enough to be explained they'll be old enough to understand.

Nandocushion · 04/02/2023 21:33

This was actually not uncommon in the private US school my kids went to, and tbh I do sometimes think it might have been a good thing for DS. As long as it's done at a young age they barely notice. As far as I remember, OP, parents usually went with the 'more time to play' line and talked about wanting to stay in that year as it was so much fun.

May09Bump · 05/02/2023 12:41

Welshy221 · 24/06/2022 19:39

Yes my son has social and academic developmental delay, has had past trauma and is an August birthday. Both my partner and I are teachers and like you have been in the profession for over 20 years. Again it is very rare to stay behind but this is definitely the right choice and all teachers and senco agree he needs another year to learn how to play. But we are worried about how to bring it up.

I've experienced this twice - one child was private and the other state, both late August children (no SEN). In both cases it was definitely the best decision and they flourished with the extra time. The only impacts later on was some sports are age specific and in private when transferring school, some schools didn't like that they had repeated a year - however they did gain entry into a top 100 schools. Ask the school how they intend to transition, ask is it possible to start integrating him now with his new class and speak to the SENCO regarding their plan going forward. Children tend to adapt quicker than us - our fears often take over.

IPV19 · 16/01/2024 17:08

Hi, we are in the same situation, the school are suggesting that my son repeat reception. He is a summer baby and very young in comparison to his peers. I was going to delay him starting school until 2024 but the school convinced it was best for him to join with his age group. Now they think he is immature and just isn't ready yet. Did your son repeat reception and if he did, how is he getting on? thx

user1479588581 · 19/01/2024 17:09

Hi, yes mine did, hes in the summer born bracket. It was the best decision we made, he repeated reception and entered year 1 emotionally and academically ready and with more confidence. :)

drubio · 20/02/2025 11:02

@Welshy221 @IPV19 I am curious to know how did you and your children get on after repeating reception. I have a late August born child and we considered delaying his school start and do an extra year of preschool but the school said they'd support him and his preschool teachers told us he was ready. Repeating pre-school would have also meant another year of nursery fees that we would have struggled to pay! He is doing OK but I worry he will always be a little behind, he's really struggled with literacy and hasn't made many friends which is quite the opposite to how he was at nursery/pre-school. I am wondering if making him repeat reception is the right decision as it will help him be more mature and ready? He really likes going to school and really likes his teacher. We haven't discussed this with the school yet but it's been on the back of my mind since he started reception and then after a meeting we requested with the teacher (we had no idea he was struggling with literacy until we asked for the meeting!), we of course could tell he couldn't yet write his name but hadn't realised that many other kids could. Did you get help from a therapist to or any other support from the school during this transition?

This feels really personal to me as well, I was over a year younger from the rest of my school friends (November born) when I started school and I really felt behind emotionally as a child, I hated going to school. I did well academically but it was a lot of pressure so I want to make the best decision for my son so he can thrive and enjoy school as much as he can.

Lauraslearningloft · 20/02/2025 12:19

drubio · 20/02/2025 11:02

@Welshy221 @IPV19 I am curious to know how did you and your children get on after repeating reception. I have a late August born child and we considered delaying his school start and do an extra year of preschool but the school said they'd support him and his preschool teachers told us he was ready. Repeating pre-school would have also meant another year of nursery fees that we would have struggled to pay! He is doing OK but I worry he will always be a little behind, he's really struggled with literacy and hasn't made many friends which is quite the opposite to how he was at nursery/pre-school. I am wondering if making him repeat reception is the right decision as it will help him be more mature and ready? He really likes going to school and really likes his teacher. We haven't discussed this with the school yet but it's been on the back of my mind since he started reception and then after a meeting we requested with the teacher (we had no idea he was struggling with literacy until we asked for the meeting!), we of course could tell he couldn't yet write his name but hadn't realised that many other kids could. Did you get help from a therapist to or any other support from the school during this transition?

This feels really personal to me as well, I was over a year younger from the rest of my school friends (November born) when I started school and I really felt behind emotionally as a child, I hated going to school. I did well academically but it was a lot of pressure so I want to make the best decision for my son so he can thrive and enjoy school as much as he can.

Hi, it was the right thing for our son. He felt completely secure in his second year of reception as he knew the rules and routines and the teachers and was able to help the newbies. He has send and other additional needs, so repeating the year helped him secure his learning. He is in yr. 2 now and still plays with the younger children in his class and has made friends. He was able to pass his phonics testing in yr. 1, which he would never have achieved if he'd been a year younger. Good luck with it all. X

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