Friendship issues

[Tinkywinkywoo]

Hi,

my DS is in reception and there is another boy who he says is all over him all the time, grabbing him etc (not malicious). He has told me this boy says he has to play with him everyday and dictates what they play etc.

I’ve asked the teacher who I think is trying and says the other child is struggling but I’m not sure what else they can do? I don’t mind him being friends with the boy, (who I think has some social difficulties) but I don’t want him to be his only friend.

I’ve had other children round to play and that has been nice but this other child literally jumps on him the moment we get into school and the other kids back off. I’ve told my DS to play with others but he thinks it’s unkind to leave the other boy out. Any ideas?

i think it's just one of those things when kids join school and get used to friendships etc - i don't think you (or anyone) can dictate who he's friends with, or who befriends him, unless they're a "bad apple". I'd leave it be - i'm sure in time it will run it's course etc

@Lovetogarden2022
i get that and he isn’t a horrible child but it’s isolating for my DS as he won’t let him play with anyone else and follows him round all the time.

I disagree somewhat with the other response. Your DS needs to be listened to and helped to navigate this problem.

When my DD was in Reception, she had a similar experience, with a girl that became quite obsessed with her, was a bit too physical, and didn't want her playing with other children. We kept up communication with the teacher, who was alert to the issue and was supportive of DD's need for some space (although she did tell us that DD was her own worst enemy at times, as she also gravitated towards this other child at times, despite coming home to us and asking us to 'rescue' her.)

We did some role play at home to help our DD to deal with the physical side of things, such as teaching her to say STOP very loudly with a backing off stance to make it clear to all around that she did not want this physical contact. That helped the teacher/TA to realise what was happening, and sent a clear message to the other child. DD did feel bad though, as she didn't want to get the other child into trouble.

We also encouraged DD to go to a playground/lunchtime supervisor to ask for 'space' from this other child. It didn't really help DD to play naturally with others, but did teach her that trusted adults would help her.

I should add that, just like your DS's clingy friend, DD's friend wasn't a horrible child at all - she was just working out social dynamics in her own way, but it was a bit too much for my DD at times. Thankfully, things improved as they matured.

I would definitely keep up dialogue with the teacher, and ask the teacher to agree some strategies to help your DS.

My dd was overly clingy to another child at the start of reception and it was upsetting the other child. I was really glad the other mum spoke to me so I was aware and could try to help. This was as much for my dd’s benefit as the other girl’s - dd needed to learn to respect others’ wishes, give them space, and not be over reliant on one best friend. So maybe talk to the other child’s parent if you know them. Or even if not, don’t feel you are being unkind to the other child by addressing this issue - in fact it will be for their own good too in the long run.

I spoke to school and made it clear I would support them in encouraging both kids to branch out with friendships even if my dd was temporarily upset. I had other kids for play dates and had a little break from inviting the best friend round. I spoke to my daughter about the behaviour that had upset the friend. I gave the other mum advice on what her dd could say to get my dd to back off a little.

The other mum also had other play dates and encouraged her dd to say “I am busy” or “no” to my dd when she needed to.

The school helped by not sitting them together, not putting them in the same pair or group for activities, supporting my child if she felt upset or lonely and encouraging other children to ask her to play. Next year I wouldn’t be surprised if they split them into different classes.

Now the best friend is still my dd’s first choice to play with but the friend feels able to say “I am busy” and play with someone else, my dd has other good friends in the class and so doesn’t mind this. Over all they have quite a healthy friendship now. Not sure if it was our interventions or just more maturity that helped

@KeepLosingThings

i wish you were the other parent!

I’ve mentioned it so many times to school but my DS keeps coming home complaining of him being overly physical with him. The other child was licking him the other day. I’m considering changing school as I don’t see it going anywhere 😞

That's so hard - I sympathise my dc was the obsessive friend and both children need support to make the friendship healthier. Licking is sensory seeking behaviour and clearly the other child has problems with boundaries on personal space. More maturity will help, it's not all hopeless.

Have you tried asking them to do a class talk on personal space and what's not acceptable (licking, biting, draping yourself over another person)?

I've found observing kids of that age ma y of them are overly physical and could do with a talk and simple rules.

That’s a good idea I’ll ask for some class teaching on it. How long for the maturity to kick in? It’s really tricky to manage and surprisingly unpleasant even though it’s not malicious in any way.

Hard to say but certainly by the 4th year of primary the personal space issues for both my dc were a lot better - my elder dc had a child who was always hitting and pinching and didn't do that by year 4.

I'm always an advocate of moving schools if you're unhappy, not being listened to is not good and parents generally can be too sticky to a bad fit school as it initially looked like a good choice.

Plus you know, if your child is being made miserable in school that too can have long term effects. But do try them doing a group chat.

Hard to know when to cut your losses isn’t it. Plus moving is such an upheaval. Just losing hope now months into it.

Definitely hard to know.

Hello, just to offer my experience - my daughter is at the end of Y2 and had a very similar experience with a boy in her class who she became friends with in reception. Their friendship started off okay but quite quickly he became aggressive both verbally and physically when she told him she didnt want to play today etc. The school unfortunately told us this year that they didnt have the resources to give him additional help / support with this situation and it became very hard to continue finding ways to help my DD after 18 months of it. In the end, as we were approaching the end of infants, we decided to find a new school for her, which DD has embraced and is really looking forward to it. We have noticed a complete positive change to her too which is great.

Other things we did to help was DD started drama lessons and her own confidence and ability to express herself improved which helped her in some tricky situations.

I think unless you are luckier than we were to have a school who is open to help and nurture both sides, it is worth weighing up all your options.

@bridiebythesea84

Sorry your DD had this problem too. I feel a bit frustrated I’ve mentioned it so many times. My plan is to see how the first term goes. I don’t understand how it needs much effort from their part!- I thought they could organise some games outside with some of the other children (for the other child) but they don’t seem willing. It’s not as big a problem during structured time.

I completely agree and forgot to mention that, for us during classroom time there was no issue - it was always during freeplay/in the playground too.

And it'll be because the teacher is often on break at break time and the playground staff have a policy of only intervening after hitting or kicking etc as happened...but I hope it goes better for you than that!

@bridiebythesea84

I think the problem is it just seems so drastic to move for this. What if there’s another child like it elsewhere.

It definitely is because the teacher isn’t there. I’m sure she’s mentioned it to the lunchtime supervisors but they probably have less interest in the situation than she does. The teacher sits them apart but it doesn’t seem to have had an effect on play time.