We have perhaps a similar setup around here (some grammar schools in neighbouring LA areas, but most children go to comprehensives). In DD’s primary, people have mostly kept their plans to themselves (parents and children). DD (now in Y6) did take the 11 plus, but I spoke to her quite candidly a number of times about being circumspect if anyone asked about her secondary school options, and also about being positive about other people’s choices. We were very careful to ‘big up’ the local comprehensives to DD (which wasn’t difficult as they are good schools), and although she really wanted to go to grammar school, we were also happy with a local comprehensive school, so if anyone asked where she would go for secondary, she could say with honesty, “either School A (comprehensive) or possibly School B (grammar).”
There was also not much talk about it amongst parents. By Y4-5 most people would have been generally aware of which children were likely candidates for grammar schools based on class performance, and I was contacted by a couple of other parents to ask whether my DD was taking the 11 plus, but to my knowledge there was no ‘us and them’ feeling amongst parents. None of the ‘grammar hopeful’ parents in DD’s class that contacted me had engaged external tutors for their children, though all did some home prep and sat a mock test or two, so it was quite low-key.
It was different for a friend and her son, who live only a few miles away but closer to grammar schools and in a more affluent area. Nearly all of the children take the 11 plus there (compared to less than 1/3 in DD’s class), and most have tutors. It all got a bit nasty with score sharing and children getting stressed. Some even took the week off school before the test, to revise!
If your DD is mature enough, I would suggest having a few chats with her about the various local schools and different reasons why some options are available to some people (such as grammars if you pass a test, local schools if you live within catchment or a certain distance, the different options if you live on road A or road B, schools with special facilities whether for SEN, sport, music etc) so that she develops an understanding of the whole setup. She will then be able to embrace your decision for her to go to the school you have chosen, with an understanding of why it’s a good choice for her. She will also be able to see why a grammar might be a good choice for her best friend, and another local comprehensive for someone else.
Similarly, if parents try to engage you in grammar/tutoring talk, it should be straightforward for you to say that you think schools X or Y will suit your DD better. To be honest, by now these parents will know that your DD is not in the top groups in class as children are aware of these things even if schools don’t set by ability. It’d be a very insensitive parent that tried to engage with you about tutoring for grammar if your child is in an intervention group.
It sounds as though there are several different secondary destinations from your DD’s primary school, and I do think this is helpful. A friend’s DS in a different area didn’t want to take the 11 plus because almost everyone else in his class would be going to the comprehensive across the road. We were lucky with DD’s class in regard, as most of the class are pretty evenly split between the three local comprehensives, with another couple going to more distant schools, and the five children that got offered a grammar school place each going to a different grammar. It really doesn’t feel that anybody is the odd one out.