No return playdates

[Caty85]

Hi, my dd is almost 7 and struggling a little in school. Shes started to be quite angry at home and hard to place what's going on. She says sometimes that people wont play with her and it makes her sad. We have had a few playdates but it never gets into an invitation back. People will say oh you must come to us but never follow it up and she has said why does no one want to invite me/ play with me. I'm really struggling on this - more when she says about it happening in school and lots of them seem to be pairing/grouping off. Any advice? What can I do?

[Peanutwaffles]

Aw that's awful. Can you have a chat with her teacher? They may be able to encourage some friendsips.or just keep an eye out for any mean comments to her.

I would just continue inviting her classmates for play dates. People are busy and it may just take a couple more play dates for them to remember.or manage to squeeze in an invitation.

Does she do any out of school clubs or classes? If not can she? As a little confidence boost? But also to meet others to make friends with.

[Caty85]

Thanks for your message. She does do a lot of after school clubs and will go on her own into them fine. She does one club that 2 girls from class also do and they just stick together all the time which is so awkward. She makes a lot of effort all the time so its really draining for her. I'm just at a bit of a loss moving forward as shes such a lovely and kind girl.

[growandhope]

Does she have more than school friends or is her social group just school? From experience I have one child who has friends everywhere, school, clubs, sports, because he is a very easygoing character. I have one... introverted, not easygoing but imaginative and complains about school friends/groups but has other friends outside of school who are just like him (not many mind!). It is important that she gets other avenues to friendship.

My eldest child had the same school issues and I told the child to wait and see, there is always a person who suits you as a friend but they may not be immediately obvious. She may admire those 2 particular girls for being something she thinks she wants but talk to her about any other names she may mention from the class, who talks to her in the playground, who approaches her, suss out who else she has a connection with, encourage her to develop those relationships.

Sometimes friendships between kids are also driven by parents relationships. Those 2 girls parents may be friends or used to each other. A group of 3 is never good anyway.

There is always a friend for everyone OP, help her seek that person out.

[Lessofallthisunpleasantness]

You know alot of the time if the other kids have siblings the parents might not bother arranging play dates. I didn't much as they had someone to rub along with at home. Try to find other onlies and arrange play dates with them. The other parents will be more motivated.

[Looneytune253]

Can you invite a few members of the class to the park regularly. I think you're putting too much emphasis on play dates at home. Personally I never hosted them. I had enough with my job and my own children. Speak to teacher tho, my kids often said 'no one plays with me' but was reassured when I asked the teacher and they were always playing with someone.

[TurkishBath]

My 10 year old DD has a similar situation. She is not completely friendless - she is not alone in the playground, is sometimes invited to parties, other children come here when invited for play dates or her birthday party (so it could be worse) but she never gets invited back and none of them seek her out outside of school.

DD is good at making friends but they just don’t seem to develop into anything more. She would love a “best friend” but doesn’t have one and is aware that she doesn’t have many friends. It’s noticeable in comparison to her siblings.

My DD is now part way through an ASD assessment though (I’m not saying this is the case with yours, my DD also has sensory issues and other things that point to autism). The friendship issues only became apparent at about age 8. I know she masks all day at school and tries so hard to have the same interests as the others, so that’s part of the reason she is exhausted and emotional after school and really needs some time alone then.

[Oblomov22]

Definitely talk to the teacher and see if teacher can suggest a different friend that your DD could be friends with, rather than these two that go to the after-school club.

[SamPoodle123]

Perhaps keep arranging play dates to help her get some friends? Some kids are just more difficult for play dates, and do not get invited so often. For example, I find boys difficult so do not have boys come often for play dates and my son is also not invited often. Don't get me wrong, we do them sometimes, but my daughter gets a lot more playdates because the girls are a lot easier. They just play upstairs quietly, while boys run up and downstairs causing havoc. Although, my son does not get invited to many play dates, he seems to have a lot of friends and gets invited to loads of bday parties. But I think he can be a handful at play dates..... could this be the case with your daughter? How is she during the play dates? Do they play happily, or are there issues? My dd once had a play date, where the other child did not want to share her toys and was basically in tears half the time (this was younger when they were age 6), but anyway, obviously, my dd didnt want to go to this girls house again. When we had the girl over, she was okay at our house so we had her over a few times....

[Caty85]

Thanks everyone. It's a tough one to know whether to keep inviting for play dates and not worry about not getting an invite back but have them at ours. Would parents think it strange if their kids kept getting invited? I guess all fine if they want to come or just taking a break for a few months and seeing what happens. I've noticed a lot of little groups forming and shes not in any particular one. She can be a bit bossy but not more than the other kids I've seen and shes pretty good at taking turns and being considerate. She always asks them what their favourite meal is and asks if we can do that :-)

[BiscoffSundae]

I never done play dates I got 4 kids at home and that’s enough for me! Maybe try inviting to the park instead?

[Caty85]

I suppose when I say playdates I mean anything outside of school. Do your children get invited and go to playdates?

[SamPoodle123]

Forgot to mention, when my older two were younger, I was not a big fan of play dates....so I would always arrange meetings in the park. Perhaps try this instead and you could get to know the parents. Sometimes children need help making friends. My dd I made a little more effort, as she was a little shy. I set up play dates for her or meetings in the park. My ds I initially set up some meetings in the park, but did not make as much effort.

Some people are not fan of play dates. Or some people are just plain rude. One mum never reciprocated any play dates, yet her daughter was clearly happy playing with mine and wanted to play more etc....but for some reason the mum was never keen. She made loads of play dates with other children....including one girl in particular. I am not sure why this mum did this. But in the end, the girl she kept trying to get close to became besties with my dd...and thankfully this girls mum makes a huge effort for play dates, sleepovers etc with my dd.

[RogueBorg]

@SamPoodle123 plesse try not to make wildly sweeping generalisations that other posters may believe. I’ve raised 3 boys and never had any problems with their friends “causing havoc” 🙄.

OP as a teacher I’d definitely want to know about this if I thought your DD was unhappy. We can’t always work miracles but we can often identify the children that work well together and those who don’t 😊.

[SamPoodle123]

@RogueBorg Yea, some boys are calm and quiet. We once had one calm one over and they played chess. My ds is however, very high energy and does loads of sports. He attracts a lot of similar personalities or perhaps brings out this in his friends. They are always running around, playing laser guns, loud etc. Or they play table tennis, football etc. There is a different energy with my son and dd and I know girls can also be the same. But with my dc my dd is the one who plays mostly quiet with her friends and my ds is super loud with his.

[SamPoodle123]

And also, maybe you have 3 calm boys that attract the same type of personalities. What did they do on their play dates?? Do tell, because I am very interested.

[Bronzeturtle]

There’s a couple kids on my dd’s class that we’ve had over for play dates which haven’t been reciprocated. However, it turns out these girls have both parents working full days so their after school is childminder/ kid club/ grandparents. So although they can occasionally attend a play date they can’t really host. Is still nice to have a friend to play though.

[XelaM]

My daughter is actually today at a sleepover at a particular girl's house for the 4th time in the last few months and we have never invited her over to our house. I feel very guilty about it, but this girl lives in an actual mansion as her dad is a multi-millionaire and our house is absolutely tiny and embarrassing in comparison. That's honestly the reason I can't invite her over. So there could be funny/irrational reasons why you are not getting return invites that have absolutely zero to do with your child.

[Caty85]

Thanks all, I really appreciate that feedback 😀

[Howmanysleepsnow]

My son has been on 5 play dates to one friends house this half term and I’ve not invited back yet (though I’ve mentioned I will).
DHhas been pretty stressed and been off work until recently and I’m just not keen to bring extra chaos to him right now, though I’m hoping I can arrange something soon if he’s out! Also, I have 4 kids and the eldest is mid GCSEs which complicates things right now.
it may be the other parents have similar circumstances!