Reception and lack of playdates

[Onedaytherewasapear]

Hi

Dd is in reception. Shes settled in really well- shes a really sociable character and has made loads of friendships in the class (shes far more sociable than DH and I...). There are some that she plays with more than others but none really close at this stage. Teacher said she was great at parents evening socially and is really good with peers. No issues at all really with it...but aside from whole-class parties shes never been invited over to someones house or for a play date. Is this odd at this stage??

DH and I are both a bit socially awkward but have been making an effort for her to get to know peoples parents. We havent invited anyone as wasnt sure if people were doing that post-covid....but more than happy to!

Im quite possibly (definitely am!) overthinking this but thought Id ask!

@TizerorFizz

We have had 2 cases of a child being sexually abused by a friends dad…. I wouldn’t let
my young kids play at friends houses until I know them very well- they may have lodgers, boyfriends, older siblings, uncles visiting.!

Just invite other kids over - work through the class list, one a week.

@TizerorFizz not necessarily child abuse but other things that probably won't be at all obvious about someone you've only encountered for a few mins at the school gates like using drugs, broken glass in gardens, dogs that aren't under control and not properly supervised. A 5 or 6yo tends not to be very sensible so won't realise the danger of unsupervised access to an unlocked garage or shed (which wouldn't happen at home). We put things like garden/shed chemicals on a high shelf in a locked shed but other families won't be as careful.

@OnceuponaRainbow18
Thst is very very rare. And not likely to happen in the vast majority of cases where DC play. I never knew any family with lodgers, relatives visiting or older DC you could not trust. Are all men out of limits in your world? Who has all these people visiting in the week?

It obviously varies by area but around here most people would expect to accompany their YR child on a playdate unless they knew the parents well. So playdates would tend to be at the park or playground or at weekends.

@TizerorFizz

You obviously live a very sheltered life. Count yourself lucky.

I work in safeguarding in an in her city school and my kids go to the local feeder school. You’d be shocked at what goes on

Not sheltered as such. I worked in Education and with social workers for years. I have a fairly good idea! However I would still let my DC play and not assume the worst. If you work in safeguarding you know what families to avoid! I’d also move.

No play dates for my DS and he's Reception age. It hadn't really crossed my mind. Now I'm wondering.

@TizerorFizz

dont’ want to move my kids, want them in a school which is multi cultural and celebrates diversity!

It's a shame. Play dates used to be, years ago, common in reception here. I would like to see it coming back as a habit.

When both parents work how are you meant to facilitate playdates? Weekends for us are busy with other stuff.

My daughter is year 2 and we’ve done play dates since nursery. I’ve made loads of friends too which is a godsend when you need an emergency pick up or a night out.

When both parents work how are you meant to facilitate playdates?Weekends for us are busy with other stuff

@nearlyspringyay play dates are Friday after school or weekends. If I were you I’d make time or you’ll find your child is left out on the playdate/ party circuit. Surely you have an afternoon once a month or something? There are some kids in my daughters class you wouldn’t even know existed!

@OnceuponaRainbow18
Then you accept your DC miss out on other things. Personally I didn’t want mine to miss out on anything or to have to worry about other parents. Diversity can be found in many senior schools, universities and multicultural cities. It’s not necessary for us to seek it out. Being comfortable in my surroundings was important to me and allowed DDs to go where they wished without me worrying. A lovely freedom. My DDs totally accept anyone. They didn’t need to live in a diverse area to be aware of other cultures snd value them.

Wow, I live in a London borough and play dates have always been perfectly safe. Not come across any ‘diverse’ parents doing drugs in front of the kids or having random lodgers…. Also no-one is suggesting you chuck a 4/5 year old to a strangers house without meeting them or visiting the house first. That’s most basic safety no?

@Seaofhats

we all know inner city schools have far more poverty than others and with that comes potential issues- such as people have lodgers, drug crime, domestic violence, one parent families so boyfriends visiting etc.

DS2 is in year6 and has only been on one play date while at school..I don't think DS1 had one. Wrap around care means it's not really feasible. And it's not easy to text other parents to set them up if you don't have their numbers.

Neither appear to be psychologically damaged. DS1 has a friendship group of around 20 which hasn't changed in the last 3 years and spends most evenings not revising out with mates.

Parenting: there's always something to worry about

Reception playdates are reasonably regular but not every week. More get scheduled during the school holidays. Its usually driven by the kids- so and so has invited me to a play date, can I go etc and then you arrange it with the parents.

I didn’t ask anyone round for play dates in reception because my DD3 was an overtired twat. Visiting child would be fine and she’d have an overtired meltdown. Occasionally I’d pick up someone else’s kid for a favour and it would be a massive favour due to her behaviour.

however my DD1 was a very well behaved eldest child in reception and seemed to be in a class of girls who all did play dates and mums who didn’t work. She got asked for loads and everyone dropped and ran at her reception party! 7 years later no one seemed to do play dates and all parents stayed when my youngest was in reception. At this age you can’t assume people are happy to drop kids off or have kids dropped without parents so you’re best getting chatting to parents in the playground and then identify a friendly parent of a child your DD plays with and ask them round for a coffee while kids play. If you don’t do drop offs find a number (class whatsapp, note in bag) and see if they’re happy to arrange. Park meet up can be more low key and enable a quick escape eg in case of meltdown if needed. If all goes well could then expand to play dates.

....whereas I have 3 children and I have never, ever had a parent stay at my house whilst the dc played. Equally, I have never, ever imposed myself upon another parent when our dc are playing.
For me, the whole point of having another child round to play is entertainment for you child - so you don't need to keep them occupied so you can busy yourself with something that needs doing, not sit awkwardly with a person you don't know, making polite conversation.

Bit early for that isn't it? Unless you want the parents to stick around.

Gosh you’re right, us single parents can’t find time for a play date without the hordes of random boyfriends popping round to molest their friends…

we've had one official playdate, the mum invited us round and we reciprocated. We've had another couple of get togethers but more activity based, like park or soft play. Bite the bullet and invite, I dont think covid is on many people's minds.

Be the one that starts the play dates rolling.

It does vary a bit - if children are in after-school care, that makes after-school playdates more difficult to organise - easier for them to accept an invite than issue one.

At the reception stage, where the parents don't yet know each other, it's best to make it an invite that includes mum (or whoever does school pick-up) as well - it gives you a chance to get to know each other, and some will be reluctant to let their child go alone to a household they don't know. If there are multiple siblings who would have to tag along, it may be better to have a "let's go to the park" playdate.

Don't worry about "they haven't got a best friend yet" - there's nothing wrong with encouraging friendships with multiple children.

I guess it all depends on the school and the kids personalities but none of the playdates my kids have been on involved parents staying at reception age. At the end I'll invite them in for a cup of coffee for half an hour but its really about the kids.