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Primary education

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Original poster

State vs independent for possibly ASD/adhd child

19 replies

Thequeenhascovid · 03/05/2022 19:15

I have lost sleep over this and could really use advice so thanks in advance.

my son is 4 and is possibly ASD and adhd (we are on the waiting list for assessment).

DH and I both work and have stable jobs but we aren’t homeowners yet and looking to buy our first property this year.

DS is in a small village school, where he is quite happy and so are we to be honest but the school and myself are a bit concerned as he has some social/attention difficulties.

we have also had an offer from a very lovely independent school (non selective) who said that they would support him in whatever needs he has.

my dilemma is… I know DS works very well in small groups compared to large (he loves his piano lessons where there are 4 kids in total) but absolutely hates going to activity with a large number of kids and is completely switched off. The independent school provides a small class size and are taken in groups to do activities or lessons like art, dt etc which I think he could benefit from. Obviously this is a big plus point for us but it also a lot and we would need to cut down on a lot of things to afford it and wouldn’t be able to do it for another child.

we have struggled with fertility so don’t even know if we will have another child but will give it a try for DS as we also think that family is important.

the only reason we want to move him to the private is the small class sizes and the variety of clubs it has to offer -specially for a child who struggles with adapting to new places.

what would you do? I know a house and a sibling is more important but I do worry about him.

I know we can get help in a state school (I am a secondary school teacher where things are slightly different) but the number of students I see who struggle with day to day activities and how they would benefit if there were less children in the class and do wonder whether things would have been different had they received the help in the early years.

OP posts:

MarJau26 · 06/05/2022 14:37

Hi op. I have a ds who is extremely sensitive and has some sensory issues (6yo). We opted for private. I can tell you that it was the best decision for us. The smaller class size is what he needed. His teachers know every little detail about him. There is also an open door policy, where we get feedback twice a day If we want. Personally I also feel that as we are paying for it, we are receiving a 'service' in that the school wants to ensure their customer is happy. This is just my opinion.

Original poster

Thequeenhascovid · 12/05/2022 06:21

@MarJau26 did you opt for a selective or non selective private? We’ve got only selective ones that we could potentially send him to but not sure if the academically driven environment will be good for him

OP posts:

Bickles · 12/05/2022 06:25

State if he has behaviour issues, private if he’s well behaved but with learning difficulties.
This is based on experience of a small non selective private who utterly failed a child we know with ADHD.

Cantchooseaname · 12/05/2022 06:29

Just be mindful of the future- if they are results driven, will they keep him ( no idea how academically able he is, or how selective the school is), but if he ends up struggling to perform in exams, you may find that once he is older they suddenly aren’t so accommodating, and then there is stress of moving on from friends. Not a certainty, but something to consider

Sirzy · 12/05/2022 06:34

He is happy where he is so my instinct wild be to leave him where he is for now and see how things go. Meet with the senco and discuss how he can best be supported to develop.

if he struggles socially I would be concerned about reducing his social group so much at this point.

don’t forget you can always move further down the line.

Toomanyminifigs · 12/05/2022 12:47

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with the independent school. Have you met the Senco? You say that the school has said: 'they would support him in whatever needs he has'. What does actually mean? If it turns out that your DS would benefit from Speech and Language, OT, the input of a learning support assistant - would the school fund that from their budget?

How small is this non-selective independent? Do they have enough DC to make it financially viable? The worst thing would be to have to move your DS again if he's settled. What age does the private school go up to? Are you envisaging that he would stay until 18? That's a lot of school fees.

As others have said, as he's happy where he is, I would be less inclined to move him. Don't forget that a smaller school means there are less DC to choose from in terms of friendship groups.

Also on a practical level, would you be able to meet the school fees if you do have another DC and you're on maternity leave/one of you wants to go back to work part time etc?

TooManyPJs · 12/05/2022 13:31

Why is a house and sibling more important?

You have a child now who is here. I'd say it would be best to do what's right by them now rather than some future sibling that may or may not arrive.

And being in the right school/environment is vitally important for your child's success in life as well as their happiness and well-being now and heir future mental health as adults. I would say all of that is way more important than a house (as long as you have somewhere to live of course - I don't think you are suggesting that you are homeless and send your child to private school!).

Mae the right decision for them and you as a family now. I wouldn't worry at all about future siblings.

Original poster

Thequeenhascovid · 12/05/2022 20:00

Some of things mentioned in the posts are the things I worry about. He’s had two offers from different schools. The non selective we’ve decided is not feasible as we would need to buy another car to take him which would add to the overall costs.

he has been accepted to another selective primary which is academically driven. We’ve been transparent and they have assessed him. They said it would be a good fit for him. However, they said that they could offer therapies which are not Included in the fees but most needs would be met by the teacher and TA. He really enjoyed his taster day at this small school and keeps saying he wants to go back. However, the senco/assistant head did say that they’ve had to ask a child to leave once as they had exhausted all their resources and couldn’t meet the needs of the child.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 12/05/2022 20:11

If he is struggling to focus in mainstream would he come with the pressure and level expected from a selective school?

Bellisima234 · 12/05/2022 20:30

Thequeenhascovid · 12/05/2022 20:00

Unfortunately Independent Schools can ask children to leave on a whim and a change of Head for instance can completely change the culture of a school. If you do go down this route I strongly urge you to apply for an EHCP so if it doesn’t work out you can choose your State School rather than have to take what is available.

AReallyUsefulEngine · 12/05/2022 20:34

I think you need to ask more specific questions of the schools. Most independent mainstreams charge extra for SEN support so I would want to know exactly what was covered by “most needs would be met by the teacher and TA”.

If DS is settled where he is I would leave him there but apply for an EHCNA if you feel more help is needed.

beechhues · 12/05/2022 20:59

I've got two dc with asd, one with no behaviour issues, one with mild behaviour issues, who really cannot concentrate on large groups and the small class size dominated any other support.

We also found trying to get support in state schools impossible as both mask.

If you have noise sensory issues, whatever help you can get in a class of 30-34 kids isn't better than a class of 15-20 kids where they are often taught in 10 kid groups.

Structure matters too - state schools around us did much more free play and rapid transitions and that was awful for my children.

The other thing I'd ask is how actively they manage playtime - in the small non selective private mine go to there is a lot of active supervision and emphasis on inclusion and this matters.

It's really hard to choose and expensive, I can only say it was right for us. But then, mine were never happy or thriving at their state school/nursery so that is a difference to your set up.

beechhues · 12/05/2022 21:03

I don't think any school can confidently say they'll be able to meet all needs forever as things change. One of my dc may have to move at some point but I don't think that is such a tragedy, if they've enjoyed the preceding years. Plenty of children especially with ASL have to move schools as provision works for a while and then a new need arises as they develop, that's normal ime.

NewAccount1223 · 17/05/2022 20:29

I Work in children’s services with children with SEN, visit lot of schools. There is a huge variation in how well state schools support children with SEN. In my experience, private schools are universally terrible in this respect.

OohaahCantona · 17/05/2022 21:40

We moved from independent to state due to woeful SEN provision and haven't looked back. We too were lured in by small class sizes and a purported individual approach to learning. They couldn't and didn't know how to deliver this.

suitcaseofdreams · 19/05/2022 13:55

I would put in a parental request for an EHCP needs assessment, get really good reports (private ed psych recommended) which document the need for small class sizes. This will open the door to either specialist settings or independent mainstream settings funded by the LA.
And whilst the EHCP system is a bit of a nightmare, if you arm yourself with the law/SEN Code of Practice, you will be able to navigate it and end up with the right support which is legally secured rather than being at the mercy of an independent school which either withdraws support or asks your child to leave….

Sunnyshores · 19/05/2022 14:04

Private schools unfortunately often dont do what they say, or think they can do, in support of SEN. And when it all gets too difficult for them, your child is no longer wanted. We did find on our 3rd attempt a wonderful prep and then a great senior school. But private is by no means 'better' in many scenarios

Sockpile · 19/05/2022 14:06

As your DS is happy where he is at the moment I would keep him there for now and concentrate on getting a really good EHCP.

Independent schools can be a better environment for children with ASD/ADHD but it’s still difficult to get the right SEN support into place. My DS went to a mainstream secondary for two years and the SENCO tried to put a lot into place, ultimately it didn’t work but we tried! I have friends with children in a local non selective independent and they are struggling to get the support needed.
A good EHCP (probably with private assessments) is really important.

Sunnyshores · 19/05/2022 14:08

sorry, also mean to say that at this stage being undiagnosed, you dont really know what you are asking for help with, so dont know whether private schools will charge you for additional support (which can be hugely expensive). So personally I would keep him where he is happy until you know what support you need for him.

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