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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

ds's first week at primary not going well...

27 replies

ItsPotatoesForYouMyLad · 10/01/2008 12:28

ds will be 5 next month. he's attended nursery since 7months old so is used to me leaving him and coming back. he was never super excited about starting school, but was ok about it.
so...
on monday he had a little tear as i left him; at the end of the day he'd seriously loved it
on tuesday he proper cried and the TA had to take him out of the classroom; end of day he hadn't enjoyed it.
on wednesday he proper cried and clung to my leg limpet style, TA again took him out of classroom; end of day he'd hated it 'school is stupid'-style.
today he cried, screamed and shouted walking towards school, sat on the floor outside school refusing to move, i carried him kicking and screaming into school where another teacher (not his) peeled him off me and he never even made it into the classroom.

now i do realise he will settle eventually, he'll have no choice. BUT i could really do with some positive stories from you nice mners about los who were as bad as this and got over it.
also any tips on how to ease the situation gladly received.

tia

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aintnomountainhighenough · 10/01/2008 12:34

Sorry to hear that at present it isn't going very well. I don't have any advice really as I havent experienced this however does he say why he doesn't like it and why he thinks it is stupid? What does the teacher say?

I assume that he is part of a group who are a second intake into reception. Is he friendly with any of the other children?

aintnomountainhighenough · 10/01/2008 12:34

I assume that he is part of a group who are a second intake into reception. Is he friendly with any of the other children?

Original poster

ItsPotatoesForYouMyLad · 10/01/2008 12:36

he class is 23 new intakes, he knows 3 boys really well (from his nursery) and some others a little from going to school library.
he can't say what he doesn't like - just it's stupid
i don't get to talk to the teacher and i don't want her to think i'm a neurotic mum after only 4 days!!

OP posts:

throckenholt · 10/01/2008 12:37

have you sat down with him and talked about what is upsetting him (I know it isn't easy to get a sensible answer out of a 4 year old !).

Tell him that if you can find out what is upsetting him about it then you can help make it better. And remind him how much he liked the first day.

throckenholt · 10/01/2008 12:40

sit down and have a cuddle with him - and try and get him to tell you what stupid means. Maybe he isn't sitting with the boys he knows for example. Or maybe he feels like he isn't allowed to do something (mine did a poo in his pants outside once becuase he thought he wasn't allowed to go in at playtime !).

And go and talk to the teacher - it is worth dealing with it before it becomes a big issue (sounds like he is already pretty upset).

One of mine cried whenever we left him for the first month or two - but he was happy for the rest of the day and always liked school.

ChipButty · 10/01/2008 12:42

Talk to the teacher - she will not think you are neurotic! (I am a teacher) An experienced reception teacher will have encountered this scenario many times and she will probably have some good ideas about what you could do to help your son. Hope you get it sorted soon. xx

Original poster

ItsPotatoesForYouMyLad · 10/01/2008 12:57

thanks for replies.
when the teacher came to us for a home visit i did say i was worried about how he'd settle. she was very dismissive saying 'oh he'll be fine' type remark. she does seem lovely and i know she's v experienced, but i just feel like she's seen it all before and it's not that big a deal to her. HOWEVER it's a huge deal to ds and me.
at the end of the day she stands at the door and lets kids out as she sees their parent so it's not appropriate to approach her while she's doing that - should i make an appointment to talk to her or maybe hang around until everyone's gone?

OP posts:

ChipButty · 10/01/2008 13:01

Ring the school and make an appointment or ask her in the morning if you can have a quick word after school.

hellion · 10/01/2008 13:33

My ds has trouble settling in in Sept. We had tears and tantrums and other stuff for a few weeks. It did improve though and now he is fine and goes in ok. I tried to understand why he was so upset, and think it may have been the whole new routine. New children have so much to remember, so many rules to follow and routines to understand as well as new names and routes to classrooms, to the toilet, to the lunch-hall. In nursery they are hand held through a lot of this. Thinking like this helped me understand a bit more about what my ds was going through. (Didn't stop the tears though) As he got the hang of it, things got better.

I don't know if this helps. Hope he starts to like it better.

VanillaPumpkin · 10/01/2008 19:21

My dd started this week. Her first day was not great. Lots of tears and this was a bit of a surprise as she had been so excited and had lots of visits etc. Her reaction was not as extreme as your ds but I wrote an informal note to the teacher. I said I was naturally concerned and asked if she could jot a quick note on how my dd1 was during the day and how I should act to make things easier at drop off. My reasoning was that she had ALOT more experience than me. I expected a few lines back, but I got a long note answering all my queries and I found it very reassuring. I too didn't want to be the 'neurotic first time mum' which is why I chose to write and I feel much happier that I did. Could this be an option?
Good Luck. It must be very difficult. I felt dreadful on that first day. It went against all my parenting instincts to leave dd there.

Original poster

ItsPotatoesForYouMyLad · 10/01/2008 19:31

thanks again for replies. i just want to scoop him up and say it doesn't matter, we'll try again in a year or two .
he says today has not been fun. he can't seem to say why. he misses me, but he even paddied and hit me when i picked him up at teatime .

OP posts:

VanillaPumpkin · 11/01/2008 09:25

We have just had the morning from hell. Dd1 seemed to wake up angry and shouting . She refused to put her uniform on and just kept saying she didn't want to go to school, hated her shoes and tights, didn't want to do pe etc etc etc. She is absolutely shattered and does not cope when tired. Dd2 saw her fussing and so began to kick off herself refusing to get dressed or let me brush her hair and hitting dd1 over something really trivial, cue hysterics from dd1 and shouting from me . We made it to school on time but without gloves and scarves so we were all cold and I felt bad. She did actually go in sort of ok and I still feel bloody miserable so my sincere sympathies to you. It must be so difficult. They are so young to be dealing with all of this really. I do hope that you get some support from the teacher. You know you have to take him but that doesn't stop it feeling like the wrong thing to do. I certainly needed that note from the teacher to give me the confidence I was doing the right thing.
Good Luck.

DaisyMoo · 11/01/2008 09:29

It took 2 people to lift ds2 kicking and screaming onto the school bus every day for about 2 weeks at the beginning of his first year. After that he was OK. I'll be honest, he was never desperately happy to be going for most of the first year but now as a year 1 he trots off very happily every morning.

I think you just have to persevere, whilst talking and listening lots to try and find out if there's any specific problem that you can deal with. Also remember that even if they;re used to full days of child care that school, particularly while it's unfamiliar, is more tiring for them and this doesn't help. So lots of early nights if possible!

Original poster

ItsPotatoesForYouMyLad · 11/01/2008 18:04

this morning i pushed him in through the door just as he started to cry and i shot for the door without looking back. his teacher was right in front of us, so i said (rather loudly so she'd hear too ) "i'm not having crying and you are not missing out on classroom time"

as i was leaving i bumped into the teacher who looked after him yesterday (who i now think may be a TA - not sure) and she had a lovely long chat with me. she said he cried for a good 5 minutes yesterday, then rejoined his class for their second activity. she was v reassuring. she then went in to check on ds and came back out to give me a thumbs up!!

this evening ds was a bit grumpy, but eventually said it was because he had lost the sticker nice teacher had given him (bless). when i ask about his day - he tells me some weird stories that i know aren't true so i'm getting nowhere by talking to him. e.g. today he said he got sent to the head teacher for fighting, but when i reacted to this he said he was making up a funny joke!

oh well, we're getting there...

OP posts:

DaisyMoo · 11/01/2008 23:05

Well done to both of you! Hope it continues to improve and he starts to love school soon!

VanillaPumpkin · 12/01/2008 09:05

Oh well done Potatoes. I hope that you are able to enjoy the weekend. Dd1 said again on the way home that she didn't ever want to go back to school and was talking about boys telling her to hurry up at lunch and not being allowed a drink of water (!) etc all the negative stuff. When she was home and changed and had a drink she was telling me all sorts of exciting things that she had been doing helping the teacher and printing from the computer etc etc and concluded that she did like school after all. I left her for the rest of the evening without asking any more. She is sooo tired. The teachers must be well used to children and parents like us . Hope it gets better for you next week. I now need to fill my time so that I am not so blooming miserable missing her . .

VanillaPumpkin · 12/01/2008 09:06

And thanks DaisyMoo too!

VanillaPumpkin · 14/01/2008 13:05

How were things this morning Potatoes? Dd1 worse than ever, screaming when I left and huge tantrum being quite physical with the TA trying to get out of the classroom. I was and and a bit as it was really bad. I left and then cried lots again. Feeling better now as had a peek from a distance when collecting dd2 (who has taken to Nursery like a duck to water thank goodness, it was only her second day today) and she was busy involved with something. I feel a serious talk coming on as she cannot behave like that again....please....

FlllightAttendant · 14/01/2008 13:09

Oh dear. Ds1 was like this at preschool. I persevered though my heart was breaking. After a term and a bit we gave up.
I anticipated similar scenes at school but he waltzed in there without a care.

My answer is that I suspect there is a 'right' time for all of them to be ready, and if they are not, I would not force it.

VanillaPumpkin · 15/01/2008 11:14

Any update Potatoes?

Orinoco · 15/01/2008 22:05

Message withdrawn

VanillaPumpkin · 16/01/2008 10:05

Things much better today at drop off thankfully. Each year group has its own set of doors and they have to line up so going in is quite civilised actually. I might even not go as far as the cloakroom tomorrow as we can all see through a big window. I will ask dd. There are not many parents going in to the cloakroom already.

lullabellehope · 16/01/2008 20:49

My dd1 started last Wednesday and having had a great first day, she has been getting more tearful each day. She has just told me she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and I am so sad that I can't help her. I've tried emphasising the good bits, but she's really overwhelmed by the playground and saying she wants to go back to nursery (which she loved and never shed a tear when she first went). She's going to cling on to my leg again tomorrow morning and I feel pretty helpless to prevent it, I don't know what else to do. All her friends from nursery try to get her to go in with them but she won't. I'm sure it will get better but this is so hard, it will get better won't it? Anyway, I sympathise with all of you dealing with this, it will be an amazing day when they got to school with a smile on their face ...

VanillaPumpkin · 17/01/2008 12:59

Sympathies lullabellehope. It is horrible isn't it. DD thankfully had another good drop off today, but her little friend who looked after her so well at the start of the week is now beginning to be upset and tearful and I am so sad for her and her Mum.
Of course it WILL get easier and it WILL get better. Positive thinking. It doesn't actually make it any easier now though does it?

lullabellehope · 17/01/2008 13:27

Thanks VanillaPumpkin. Today she had to be dragged off me in floods of tears saying 'please don't let them take me'. I just made it out of sight before crying myself. I am going to have to be so much tougher than this but I'm still not convinced this is all in her best interests, she's only 4! I put a note to the teacher in her bag this morning, it seemed to work for you, at least she might reassure me a bit. It's good to hear that you've had some good days since and I hope ours will get better really soon. Anyway, thanks for the kind words.

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