Friendship fallout/bullying

[Boopboopbeepboop]

Hi, I'll try to be brief as I can. Names changed.

So my dd (9) has always been a bit of a social butterfly, always praised for being kind, nurturing, comforting to other children. Last year she was partnered up with a girl called Luna because Luna was finding it hard being back in school after lockdown. They became friends. Towards the end of the year they started playing with two other girls Penelope and Hermione. All good.

In September my dd played on the odd occasion with another girl called Ginny. Dd felt Penelope didn't like this. She said she stared at her and was whispering things but when she asked what was going on or if she had a problem with Ginny, Penelope said no.

Friendship rumbled on but with increasing incidents where dd felt Penelope was being mean but she didn't understand why.

Since Christmas this has escalated to all three girls (Luna, Penelope and Hermione) excluding dd, chastising her for things that she's not even sure what they're talking about and (dd believes) talking about her. Even a member of staff said when she brought them together to talk about it, the girls were bringing up really trivial things from years previously to show that dd was at fault.

We decided the best course of action was to not be friends with them anymore (dd had been trying to stay friends because she felt if she was somehow 'better' they would forgive whatever she'd done and they'd be friends again)

Now it seems Penelope is still making snide remarks and has accused dd of stealing from her house during a playdate last year.

So the upshot is, what do I do next? The school are aware but I know that this kind of low level, persistent stuff can be difficult to knock on the head. However, it's not OK to acuse someone of being a thief.

This is incredibly common among girls this age and can cause a huge amount of anxiety.

I recommend: create a safe space to talk for your DD. Don't rush in to solve it, or explain it too much. Allow her to explore her

It sounds like your doing a great job. I'd continue to encourage dd to talk about it and to try to stay away from these girls and focus on other friendships. How well do you know parents ? Could you talk to them about it without making it worse? If you feel it's bullying I'd speak to school about how they are managing it as it's going to be largely happening in their territory.

@LollyLol

This is incredibly common among girls this age and can cause a huge amount of anxiety.

I recommend: create a safe space to talk for your DD. Don't rush in to solve it, or explain it too much. Allow her to explore her

This has been the plan so far. Trying to create support for her to navigate this herself. Only stepping in when necessary.

It's just sad when she gets so upset at their behaviour yet tries to work out what she's done and try again.

It sounds like they’re getting ready for moving on to high school, for new friends.
Unfortunately it’s very common in girls.

It must be very upsetting for her, but if she has always been a social butterfly as you say then she will be able to establish other friendships and the situation will resolve itself. It would be more worrying if she had difficulty making friends and could end up socially excluded at school.

I would ask the school to specifically tackle the accusation of theft, and to involve Penelope's parents in that discussion.

@autienotnaughty

It sounds like your doing a great job. I'd continue to encourage dd to talk about it and to try to stay away from these girls and focus on other friendships. How well do you know parents ? Could you talk to them about it without making it worse? If you feel it's bullying I'd speak to school about how they are managing it as it's going to be largely happening in their territory.

She has been playing with other children and slots in well with other groups. I kind of hoped once I'd convinced her to stay away it would sort it itself out.

Not the case.

I do know the mum and we get on well but I'm not sure it's the best thing to approach her. The school hadn't informed me that they were aware of incidents amongst the girls and had been trying to remedy it so doubt she had any idea.

I think it would come as a real shock so then I don't know what her reaction would be or if it would help.

I agree that's happening at school so they should be the main focus.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

It must be very upsetting for her, but if she has always been a social butterfly as you say then she will be able to establish other friendships and the situation will resolve itself. It would be more worrying if she had difficulty making friends and could end up socially excluded at school.

I would ask the school to specifically tackle the accusation of theft, and to involve Penelope's parents in that discussion.

Yes she has slotted in with others nicely.

I just don't think Penelope can let it go.

I just don't think Penelope can let it go.

This is why I think the school needs to separate the accusation of theft from the general group behaviour, get Penelope's parents in, and use this concrete and unarguable example to make them aware what she is doing. From what you say they are decent people.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I just don't think Penelope can let it go.

This is why I think the school needs to separate the accusation of theft from the general group behaviour, get Penelope's parents in, and use this concrete and unarguable example to make them aware what she is doing. From what you say they are decent people.

This sounds like a good idea. Thank you

My post earlier malfunctioned. I was going to add, teach your dd what good friendship looks like, teach her to stand up for herself firmly and tell Penelope in a clear, loud, calm voice, “I don’t like it when you are unkind. If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t talk to me.” She can learn some scripted replies. She needs to be prepared to inform the teacher regularly when Penelope is saying horrid things to her. She should avoid interaction , if interaction can’t be avoided she has to respond neutrally, teach her when to simply turn her back and walk away.

Penelope might let it go, she might not. I’ve seen this kind of behaviour go on for upwards of two years.

Your best shot would be to ask the teacher to keep them separate in class because you are aware of P provoking your dd and unkind behaviours that are upsetting her so she can’t concentrate and is feeling unhappy about being at school. There is nothing worse than being partnered with someone who enjoys being malicious.

@LollyLol

My post earlier malfunctioned. I was going to add, teach your dd what good friendship looks like, teach her to stand up for herself firmly and tell Penelope in a clear, loud, calm voice, “I don’t like it when you are unkind. If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t talk to me.” She can learn some scripted replies. She needs to be prepared to inform the teacher regularly when Penelope is saying horrid things to her. She should avoid interaction , if interaction can’t be avoided she has to respond neutrally, teach her when to simply turn her back and walk away.

Penelope might let it go, she might not. I’ve seen this kind of behaviour go on for upwards of two years.

Your best shot would be to ask the teacher to keep them separate in class because you are aware of P provoking your dd and unkind behaviours that are upsetting her so she can’t concentrate and is feeling unhappy about being at school. There is nothing worse than being partnered with someone who enjoys being malicious.

Thank you. This is good advice