What could the teacher do, if anything? Possessive friendship in y2

[ReadtheReviews]

DD age 6 broke down last night. She's mentioned it before, but this time her loss of enthusiasm for school all makes sense.
'Best Friend' since nursery and DD have always had a pretty intense friendship but were separated by split classes last year, though they spent every break together. Now reunited in y2, DD wants to play with other children. BF follows and 'copies' her continually, following to the toilet even. Teacher has suggested they spend time apart but according to DD immediately afterwards BF is following her again.
Initially I said be kind to her, you've always been close and she's feeling sad you want to get away, but now, it's at the point where DD is crying and crying saying 'she won't leave me alone. Even when we're playing in a group, she's still there, so I can't be proper friends with the others'. She's said she wants to change schools.
I feel terribly sorry for both of them and have said I'll have a chat with the teacher but privately, I can't imagine what she can actually do about it- it's a small school and simply telling BF and DD to play apart isn't working. I know the normal idea is that these things sort themselves out but this seems to be getting worse over two or three months and is making DD very stressed at home and unhappy about school.

I would ask to move classes again.

Maybe the teacher could help the other girl to develop stronger friendships with others. It’s difficult for your daughter but also her friend.

I would say to the teacher that dd is feeling a little overwhelmed by friend and that will give the teacher the opportunity to make sure they aren't together for activities where they don't have to be such as PE teams or lining up for assembly. Of course, in some situations they will have to for example if they are about the same level for guided reading they will be on the same group. That should give your dd a bit of space.

At the same time I'd talk to dd and suggest that she stops thinking about the friend always being there as following her. It's likely they are often just doing the same things. Especially in the playground where the friend probably has just as much desire to play with the other children as your dd does. Your dd doesn't have to go out of her way to make sure this other child is included but at the same time she has to play somewhere and go to the toilet at some time! As your dd is feeling annoyed and a bit suffocated it may feel worse than it actually is.

Also, I'd try and encourage some of her new friendships outside of school. Ask some of the friends over or join Rainbows or trampolining so she is meeting people who are not in her class.

Very difficult, clearly friend is feeling anxious about friendships at the moment, and while this isn’t “your” or your dds problem clearly both of you care enough about the friend to worry about her feelings and not want to make her feel worse. But by the same token it is not your Dds responsibility to bolster the friends self esteem at the expense of her own feelings and friendships.

Is there any chance you can have a word with friends mum and explain the situation , does friend go to outside school clubs and activities which could build up her confidence and social skills. It depends how well you know mum and get on with her, maybe suggest that dd and friend have some occasional play dates at home with other children to be social but not exclusive and take away the tension of your DD having to be best friend at school.

I think you do need to explain to your dd that she isn’t responsible for dealing with her friends neediness at school . It is OK for her to say “ I am playing with x and x today” if she doesn’t want to play with the friend. At the same time you need to ask her teacher to let all the teachers/midday/ TAs know this so they a) aren’t then telling your dd to “be kind” when the friend says “Little Read the reviews won’t let me play, “ and b) are aware of the need to divert the friend to other activities/ groups of friends. I would also be asking the teacher to ramp up the keeping apart in class, the following to the toilet is easily stopped during class time for example, and she could partner friend with other children for classroom activities, jobs, tidying etc

I would just explain pretty much what you have said here. You are worried because DD is crying at home and saying X and ask for their advice. The teacher may be able to rearrange tables/partners etc which would help a bit.

As you say it's a small school, is it all of year 2 with half of year 1? What happens in year 3? If they are likely to split the class again, I think you need to remind them of the issue so they can hopefully factor that in when planning the classes.

Thanks all, no option to swap classes as yes, it's half of y1 in with y2, half with YR. The next class is y3 with y4, then y5 with y6.
I suppose it just comes down to encouraging BF into other friendships and giving DD some firm but not unkind phrases to use.
Agree about DD not being forced to tolerate it to be kind as sets pattern for future life that's not right. But also don't want her to be without empathy. I get on okay with the mum and know she's been arranging play dates with another girl in the foursome they tend to be in. Shall also be doing this on my end.

I had this issue with two girls in my Y2 class a few years ago.

Our approach was to encourage the other girl to build friendships with other girls. There are usually a couple of other girls in any given class who don't have very close "best friend" relationships and there is a lot a teacher can do to foster alternative attachments - lots of paired talking during carpet time where I chose who sat where, paired activities in PE where I could pair children who might hit it off. Judicious use of praise and class rewards to give the other child and "new potential friend" a warm feeling about working together. The teacher could also speak to the other child's parents and get them on board with encouraging other friendships and building their child's self-esteem, social skills and interests outside school.

Definitely speak to the teacher. This is a situation that can be resolved, but it requires a bit of management.

It's very difficult in a small cohort. if your DD is playing with a small group of children, telling the other girl she can't play will be viewed as unkind and won't be allowed. Group play can't 'exclude' in primary as a general rule, especially where there are limited play options in year groups due to size.

Do speak to the teacher and tell them what's going on. But there needs to be a solution that means your DD gets a new group of friends where the other child is left alone entirely. Both girls need friendship support.

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