Me again! Anyone have experience of a 'shy', anxious child that has thrived in a particular type of school?

[Wellweathered]

Further down the page I asked the question about Privates and state primaries. Now I am asking a more specific question.

Moving next summer. DD is going to have to start a new school entering Year1. She's currently in a small state primary - 42 children in Reception, 21 in DD's class. She's settled in wonderfully. The class sizes are small because there are falling roles in this county and because it's not in the greatest catchment area - it draws from a mixed catchment and some people are too snobby to use this school.

Lots of the state primaries in the area where we'll move to are oversubscribed and if they have places it is because they are huge. We have the chance of putting her in a private school with subsidised fees. If it were my second child, I would happily use any of the primaries but DD is a special case. She's an anxious little thing who has given up on swimming and ballet this year because she wasn't comfortable and able to perform. She won't participate in Music and Movement at school. But she makes friends easily enough and enjoys school (for the time being)

I can't afford to get it wrong. I can't move her again before age 11. She'll be anxious enough about this move. I have 4 'choices' it seems.

1.Private school with small classes.
2.Popular, impressive large state school with three form entry and 30 in each class on the doorstep of where we are likely to live.

1. Very small village schools on the outskirts which aren't full but will require a drive (like the private school)
2. Consider one of the small church schools near to where we will be living - we're not C of E but the schools are small and caring and perhaps a Reception child will leave this year and a place will become available

I would love to hear from people who have quieter, anxious children and how they have thrived or not at their particular type of school.

Many thanks to you.

Ds1 is quite anxious, but is really blossoming at his school - it is a CE school, but not selective on entry - it is state school and oversubscribed, but the head keeps it to 2 classes of about 27. Very very caring ethos, they are not fussed about how they do in the league tables, provide an absolutely fantastic extra curricular programme, every child is valued and the head makes it his business to know each and every child, and to take time to really KNOW each child. Mixed intake, but very caring school.

dd1 is very quiet and shy and has just settled into her Reception class

state primary, 30 in each class, 2 classes in each year

so 180 at the most in playground which initially she did not like at all, now is ok

she cried until after the half term, was very unsettled, now runs in without a backward glance

Teacher is FANTASIC, I explained she was upset at lunchtime and she gave up her own lunch to sit with her (I have a thread somewhere, search under oliveoil in Primary Ed)

I would go for a school you can walk to tbh, driving is a pita

(have you read The Sensitive Child book? will link it for you, very informative)

My very shy, anxious DS has thrived in his state primary school and has really grown in confidence. I think one reason for this is that, compared to some of the local private schools, his school has a real mix and variety of children, with all sorts of personalities and abilities, whereas the private schools seemed to have more confident, outgoing children.

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IKWYM about the difference between dd1 and dc2, mine are the same - dd1 is very anxious, sensitive and quiet where as dd2 is a lot more outgoing and confident.

DD1 started nursery at the local infant school, quite large, two classes per year. She absolutely hated it, she cried every day for eight weeks, had to be prized off my leg in the morning by the teacher, her night terrors came back, but the final straw was when she started wetting herself (and nursery didn't notice, so she walked around all morning in wet pants and skirt - but that's another story!)

We obviously moved her, and now she's in Yr 2 at a very small, mixed age class primary. DD2 has just started in reception and is in the same class.

DD1 is now a very confident young lady, she's on the school council, read out the Bible reading at the Christingle service this afternoon in a loud clear voice to all the parents and school, played piano to all of the school yesterday even though she's only been learning since September - you get the jist. At parents evening I saw her new teacher who had just started, as well as her old teacher who is now the Head, and the new teacher could not believe us that this happy confident little girl was once quiet and retiring!

My only concern now though, is the transfer to secondary - no doubt the move from a large primary to an enormous secondary is easier than from a tiny village school....

Thank you for your responses.

There seem to be pros and cons to all scenarios and I am finding it difficult to apply logic. I'm probably overthinking and over-worrying on her behalf. I am so pleased with her current school. I want to make sure I am equally as pleased with the next school we 'choose'.

I might have to start another thread and enquire about the likelihood of places becoming free at a school during Year1. It would be better if I at least had a choice of state school and could pick the one she'd more likely fit into. I'm leaning towards state because I think it will benefit her to have friends who are easily available and living local to her but 5-600 pupils in a primary school sounds so big. I hope that is not my only state option when it comes to the move.

Would it be feasible to take a trip to all of the schools, to take a look around and get a feel for the places? IME this is by far the best way, to go with your gut feeling. One may look very good on paper but not feel right, IYKNWIM?

Wellweathered - I think you can't bank on a place at the school of your choice being free in year 1.

We moved when ds was in year 1 and virtually every school I made enquiries to told me to sling my hook. Parents are plotting the entry of their dcs to CofE schools years in advance, and are highly unlikely to then move on. Even if a place becomes vacant, the waiting list is often several children long.

We got ds a place in a large primary, about which I had misgivings, but he has blossomed there. I still fantasise about the dcs going to a sweet little CofE primary in a nice old-fashioned building with nice old-fashioned teachers, but I'm sure that one of these wouldn't be so great in reality.

We have similar issues. Ds1 is not really shy, but is very sensitive to transitions and doesn't do well with a lot of noise and chaos IYSWIM. We took a week and visited 5 potential schools. It was grueling but we have narrowed it down to two. We are in the US and the one I really like is a popular magnet school which means I will be camping out all night in front of the school to get him a spot when applications come out

My son went to the small village primary but found it hard to make close friends-the pool of possibles was simply too small for a slightly eccentric and reserved boy. In the end I took him out and sent him to a larger private school (when he was in year 5).

My daughter, more extrovert, has however blossomed in the same small village primary.

small classes aren't necessarily the best for quiet children. It depends on who the other children are. If they're made up of loud and bossy types a quiet child can feel overwhelmed. In a bigger class there are more people to choose from.

My dd was really clingy and shy before she started nursery. She thrived there, it was quite small but funded and they gave her a lot of confidence.
She went on to the local (nearest) state school pre school (it is attached to the school), there are about 30 children in the pre school and they have really worked wonders with her confidence levels, I cannot say enough nice things about them. She's now in reception and one of the pre school teachers she had has gone into reception with this intake iyswim.
She has thrived there, and although I don't think she will ever be the wildly outgoing type (dh isn't either), she is now, definitely quietly confident.

If you have got the time the best idea would be to visit all of them with your child, see how the Head and the teachers relate to your child and see where your dd feels comfortable. You can't really tell from size, a big school can be very caring and it gives a big friendship choice, a small school doesn't necessarily have to be sensitive and caring and friendships can be cliquey.We moved house and my ds moved from 3 class village school to a big junior school and thrived.Bigger schools have more opportunities for clubs,choirs, sports etc.The only thing to do really is have a look at them-league tables are useless for seeing how your child will fit.

I would phone all the schools you are interested in, and then visit those which are likely to have a place.

I second what Bridie said about big schools. My ds (year 4) is a bit eccentric - not into football or other sports, loves dancing and theatre. There are 90 children in his yeargroup and he has found 2 likeminded boys to befriend. In a small school he may well have ended up on his own.

Dd is now in reception at the same school. She comes across as very confident, but has some nervous issues and tics. For her also the 'safety in numbers' of a large school is a good thing. She has befriended a few children out of the 3 reception classes of 30 and tends to go for the quieter ones. In fact one of her closest friends is a gorgeous little boy with selective mutism.
Again, in a small school the chances of her finding likeminded friends would have been smaller.