Favouritism/anxiety in Reception

[Hdaw27]

Hi everyone,

My DD has just started in Reception and had a fab start. She was bouncing into school every day, happy, never cried once. She has a fab group of friends and is very bright and keen to learn.
There was an issue with a dodgy new teacher who 'left for personal reasons' after three weeks but she seemed to take this in her stride.

Since October half term she has become anxious about going into school, talking about a behaviour system where kids get put up to the rainbow or down to a raincloud. She has never been moved down but is hyper aware of kids who are, and she reports back constantly who is getting moved up (the same kids all the time!!). Im also aware that she has about a quarter of the house points of one of her best friends even though at parents evening we were told she is doing brilliantly.

Does anyone have any idea on how to deal with a combination of a highly able and sensitive child who is clearly not given much attention by the teachers? We are so worried her confidence is getting knocked by these systems and lack of recognition, hence the sudden dislike of school.

Thank you x

Sorry to hear she's upset. I personally hate the rainbow/cloud/sun chart, upsets loads of kids for different reasons.

My youngest was telling me recently about the awful boy in her class who is "so naughty" and "always gets moved down, never up!" and I said hmm that sounds tricky. I wonder how it makes him feel? etc and that gave her pause. We had a chat about how for some children, it's harder to follow the rules etc and hard that everyone can see you're moved down (subtly removing the shine from the whole thing for her...)

Which helped with the other thing she complains about - that she doesn't get moved up. I tend to say oh I can see that's annoying for you. I think you do a good job of trying to follow the rules and it's hard if you don't get moved up. Still, do you feel good that you know you tried hard? Great! That's the most important thing, how you feel about yourself, even if the teacher didn't notice... etc...

I think one thing you can do is to stop talking to her about the rainbow system, if she brings it up in conversation then acknowledge it , “oh goodness” but then immediately move on to other topics “what did you have for lunch today” “ Did you have music this morning?” By letting her “report back constantly” you are allowing the system to build up in importance in her mind, far better to encourage her to focus on other areas of school life than a chart on the wall. It is all to easy for sensitive children to become obsessed by rules and their own and other people’s behaviour, to the extent when their anxiety overwhelms them. You can easily end up with a child unwilling to try new things in case they somehow break a rule, get things wrong or make mistakes. Wtftodo has some good advice, by all means encourage good behaviour and praise her for it, but remind her that getting things wrong and making mistakes is something that we all do, and that behaving well is not just something we do when people are watching us.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I have really tried to downplay/not mention the behavioud chart but the school as a 'competitive atmosphere' as part of its ethos (which I really dont like) so I think it is given a lot of attention.

Is it worth a mention to the teachers?

And wtftodo, that is a really good way of phrasing it about feeling good for trying hard. I have emphasised to her how its just inportant to be kind and try our best, but she seems to really want that recognition.

@Hdaw27
Is this a state primary school?

I would definitely mention it to the teacher! They need to know she is feeling anxious and may be able to suggest something that may help.

Imagine the reverse. If the charts were for the teachers and it's on the board in front of everyone. How would they feel if they broke a rule and it moved down? Embarrassed? Humiliation? Happy? This must be how the children feel.

I’m not sure you can conclude that she ‘clearly not given much attention from her teachers’ just because she has fewer house points than someone else and hasn’t moved up the rain cloud as much as she’d like.

Just have a little word with the teacher and say they your dd has talked about it a lot at home so that they are aware, and then leave it at that. Nothing you’ve said sounds like there’s a big problem at school, but if you knew you were choosing a school with a particularly competitive ethos, you can’t be surprised if that comes through in the classroom, even if you don’t like it.

@Hdaw27

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have really tried to downplay/not mention the behavioud chart but the school as a 'competitive atmosphere' as part of its ethos (which I really dont like) so I think it is given a lot of attention.

Is it worth a mention to the teachers?

Did you know this when you chose the school? Or are you concluding it from just this term of Reception?

I think you might be conflating issues that aren’t necessarily connected. She was happy to go to school to begin with because it was new and exciting, now it’s not new and she’s tired (it’s a long term the first term in Reception heading to Christmas).

If she really is hyper aware of the chart then yea, you do need to talk to the teacher about it. But it sounds a bit like you are hyper aware of it and placing importance on it that it doesn’t need - why do you (or her best friend’s parent) know how many points they’ve got?

The kids that get moved up and down a lot on these charts are the ones who need the focus on behaviour. Your child obviously doesn’t. It’s important to listen to her if she’s feeling anxious about it and address that anxiety with the teacher but I’m sure it’s not a lack of attention on her - or if so, that’s not in a bad way! It means she’s good at independent learning. Boost her self-esteem by talking about other things and distracting.

I dont know but ut seems to me the ones who in dc1 class in yr r struggled with behaviour still struggle. And several are now (nearly end of primary) being looked for SEN.
Dc2 doesnt seem to get as many stickers etc but i think thats maybe she is there sat vaguely nicely but maybe interrupts etc.
Also it's often the eldest doing much better socially or academically.
When dc1 has been in a difficult /defiant mood - lasts for about a week, the school have occasionally done her a specific chart. Similar to op in that this then creates stress and for dc1 actually escalates any situation

I hate these weather charts. I was called over by the TA at pick up once. In hushed tones and very seriously she said; "Mrs Fox, I'm sorry to say that foxcub hasn't had a good day and his peg was moved" I had no idea what she was talking about and thought he'd ripped his coat peg out of the wall or something - which I would have been quite concerned about. On asking for clarification I was relieved to find it was one of these behaviour things where the children's pegs move down to a dark cloud if they've not behaved as expected. She looked extremely non plussed when I couldn't help smiling whilst promising to have a word with him. Can't remember what he'd actually done - taken his shoes off during carpet time I think.

The charts are an improvement to my school days where bad behaviour resulted in standing facing the wall or being dragged to the front by the ear to be whacked with a ruler but the element of public humiliation / comparison / peer pressure / fear used to achieve compliance is still there isn't it?

If I were you I'd write to school and say you are worried your child comes home talking more about the behaviour chart than any other aspect of the school day and you'd like a meeting to discuss it. Perhaps the teacher could take her to one side to reassure her about the chart & put her mind at rest? And yours.

I don't think comparisons about house points are worth worrying about but if you are worried just ask the question. I wouldn't be encouraging your DD to give it any headspace though, someone will always have more. To be honest it sounds like you are getting dragged into the competitive culture when you mention the house points thing & your DD will pick up on it. There's always going to be "that child" who always seems to win more things, get the best parts in the play, win the poetry reading competition or be made class captain. It's very tempting to think this is unfair. Just remember there are 20 odd other children who are also in the same boat as your DD and who have possibly received even fewer "rewards" or less recognition. I've seen too many parents tie themselves in knots about this. Maybe your DDs friend really deserves all those HPs? Is she a good and kind friend?

In extremis there are other schools if this one is too competitive and not nurturing enough for your DD. Just out of interest does the school actually state that it has a "competitive ethos"? That sounds pretty odd, especially these days when most schools are at pains to talk about kindness etc.

Tbh the one that are moved up most are probably the ones whose behaviour could potentially go either way. They need constant motivation and praise to keep them on the right track. Same for house points.

It’s unfair but the ones whose behaviour is good all the time are the ones who are overlooked, because they don’t need the “shame” of being moved down or the “motivation” to keep doing the right thing.

Also some kids naturally excell at everything so get noticed more.

It’s the middle of the road kids who lose out. My son was also under the radar like this.

Re highly able and sensitive child - it can be hard for them to get noticed if they are not attention seekers. However, if she goes in and independently does highly able work like write a story, write out her own additions/subtractions etc/draw an amazing picture/ read a complex book alone in reading corner then the teacher has to take note. It is important to understand that they mark and challenge based on what they actually see. It can take a child a while to understand this.
I have 4 with different personalities. The highly able sensitive one never got enough attention. The highly able one with big personality who misbehaves when bored did. In a class of 30 plus the teachers are just trying their best by each child but inevitably this will happen. The class as a whole might need the charts for behaviour management - my DD’s reception teacher uses it sporadically depending on need. There are also multiple awards each week in assembly eg courtesy award, kindness, positive attitude to learning, bring in swimming certificate, sing in front of school in assembly etc.

If she's not moving up and down, getting lots of points etc it means that she's doing behaving well consistently. Personally my kids and I hated these charts but I understand why reward charts are good for those with behaviour issues.

When she's a bit older then she will realise that it's a con for kids who always behave and if she wants to "beat the system" then she needs to mix good and bad behaviour. Obviously that's not what you or the school want but that's how you end up "winning"

Have you considered rewarding her every Friday for her good behaviour at school ?

Its a state primary but it was taken over just before Lockdown so although we had some idea of the new vibe, we couldnt attend any open days or get any real feel for how the school would function in person.
We did ask parents with older kids who we knew, but most of these were being taught online so their opinions werent quite applicable etc. There are also very few school options where we live, so we went with it and I didnt anticipate the negative reaction.

They have also had staffing issues since the start of term.

Luckily the class and the parents are lovely and close/supportive.

There are gems of advice here though so thank you all for your replies.

I also don’t like these charts as it’s always the quiet, middle range kids who are left out.
The naughty ones get rewards if they are good for 2 minutes.
The clever kids get rewards for doing a high standard of work (which they barely put in any effort with) and the kids who are always well behaved and always trying hard are never recognised.

Oh gosh I used to hate the behaviour cloud. In our school it was called the Thinking Cloud. DS2 ended up on it more and more in his first term in reception until he was on it every single day. Eventually he told us rather sadly that as he knew he was going to end up on it each day anyway, he’d started being naughty deliberately to get his peg moved down as quickly as possible. I could see where he was coming from because it seemed like some of the teachers just didn’t want to give him a chance.

We moved schools at the beginning of Y1 because the school wasn’t meeting DS1’s complex SEN needs. At the new school DS2 settled in instantly and was a model pupil. They were amazed when I told them after a few weeks how he’d been the ‘naughty boy’ at his previous school.

God I hate the weather clouds! DS is actually usually on the good clouds, because he is super-shy and anxious and gets moved up for sitting quietly - I would actually be happier if he spoke up a bit more, I don’t particularly want him to get the message that it’s better if he shuts up.

And they have a gladiatorial system where, when somebody moves down, all the other kids tell them they made “a bad choice” and all of them give the offending child the thumbs down. Like something out of the Hunger Games.

Nursery encouraged and modelled good behaviour, school just seems to punish bad behaviour. I can see the discipline method is affected by their staffing ratios, but it’s definitely a negative.

My bright child got praise cards from school in her book bag when she achieved her goals. No one else knew! No house points thank God! Whoever thinks this is a good idea in YR?

As for sunshine and clouds! It’s demeaning and shaming. Each child who needs behaviour support shouldn’t be shamed. They could be SEN. Do these children deserve shaming? It’s a poor policy. The best policies do promote good behaviour but frankly my DDs couldn’t tell you who was rewarded for anything. Or not rewarded ~ so no stress!

The kids in DS’s class with SEN do indeed end up on the raincloud quite a bit. Presumably the bar is set higher than it would be for the kids without SEN, but yes it does seem quite unfair.

(Obviously I don’t know every child with SEN in the class, but the ones I do know about, do seem to go on the raincloud quite a lot).

So in the classroom the other children will identify them. It’s hardly inclusive is it? Why schools cannot find a system that doesn’t shame them is beyond me. I’ve seen Schools use “traffic lights” - basically moving to amber from green if there are behaviour concerns. Red for seeing the head. It’s between the teacher and the child. And the parents. It’s not broadcast to everyone with flashing lights (so to speak!). Schools can be quite cruel these days.

Thanks for all your responses. Since being off over Christmas holidays she has just become a different child. Her happy, confident self. I dont know what to think.

I am glad she’s happier. I do think there is a problem with DC wanting recognition and a school promoting that as desirable. The school makes it part of their behaviour policy and it’s very obvious. I don’t believe either of my DDs craved recognition for being kind, clever, good, etc, etc etc.They simply behaved well and got on with school. Most children don’t need continual reinforcement that they are being kind, successful. Good, etc. They happily follow thd rules because the teacher expects it. I never heard about who was not behaving well! It was dealt with quietly no doubt.

I really would wonder if your DD is thriving in such a competitive atmosphere. Is this what you really want from a school for a young child? You find she’s happy without the stress. I would take this as a sign you need to say something to the school . What’s going back going to be like?

@Hdaw27

Thanks for all your responses. Since being off over Christmas holidays she has just become a different child. Her happy, confident self. I dont know what to think.

She’s probably needed the rest as much as anything. Try not to read too much into it at this stage. All Reception children are knackered and seem like different children towards the end of that first term - it’s a lot to process.

Just keep an eye, praise her yourself for stuff and try not to focus at all on the rain cloud. Ignore it, if you can. If you’re anxious about it she’ll also keep a focus on it.

If thd rain cloud is ever present in the classroom it won’t be ignored. It’s impossible.

I don’t accept all YR children are tired either. Mine did lots of after school activities and loved a busy day! Even in YR! All this angst at 4/5 is not healthy snd schools should not promote competitiveness in YR or identifying “naughty” children by humiliating them. This does cause division and upset and it’s nothing to do with being tired. So getting away from that situation has helped. The outstanding issue will be what happens in January.