playground mafia!

[angelfire]

My 4 year old son has just started reception. He knew no one in his class previously and did not attend the "feeder" nursery.
He is, admittedly, a boisterous and very physical boy which I know can be overwhelming for many children. However he is also very happy, funny and enthusiastic. I suspect, although I am not told, that he has already got himself a reputation for being loud. My heart breaks because he is so much more than that

My problem is that I have tried to engage other mothers in conversation and play dates. After weeks of always initiating conversations I decided to see if they would approach me. I was left alone and ignored.

I have had one child back for tea. My son has not been invited back. I invited another boy for tea only for the mother to cancel the day before and never rearrange. I have tried to strike up a conversation with another mother whose child my son talks about. She says that her son never talks about mine and has not spoken to me since.

I am finding this all very hard and am finding the drop off/pick up times very tense.

What do I do? Any constructive advice is very much appreciated

i don't know sweetheart but i hope someone can help you xxx

Can't you pick off the stragglers?

Oh, I've been there, angelfire. People just don't make the effort, you'll have to. Keep asking and you'll find the friendly mums who will at least let their DC come (they may not invite back). But ignore that, you're just trying to help your DS get a good social network going. Invite everyone to your DS's birthday party so that the parents can get to know you better, too.
DS started school knowing nobody and I chased hard asking mums of boys for playdates; almost half of the other mums are very conscientious at inviting back for playdates -- the others seem to never even think of it.
DD has NEVER been invited to her best mate's house (or even birthday party), even though bestmate writes DD at least one "I love you" card a week, and has been around to ours at least 6 times in the last 2 years. To other homes DD has probably been invited about 3x compared to us hosting literally dozens of playdates over two years -- she's a sweet docile child, too, no trouble at all. C'est la vie.

firstly, they might be shy or in established friendships - but it still doesn;t sound very nice.

I think you have to be quite thick skinned about this stuff - yes they may think the wrong thing about your son but that is their problem. YOur son sounds like good fun and I imagine that other children will soon ask their parents for him to play.

Don't stress, carry on chatting so they can't put it down to you not making an effort, don;t take it to heart.

Arm yourself on your way in with a converastaional opener about the weather or christmas or the school play and smile and say it.

Angelfire - totally sympthasise - had similar experience when DS1 started school as we knew no-one in his class ( they were mostly younger siblings, so establisjed networks prevailed. I admit that I left drops offs in tears many mornings because I had tried and failed to connect , and felt I was failing him. We invited everyone to his b'day party and about a week after i had sent out the invites we still had no replies . But eventually it worked out - he made frends in school who invited him and I became less bothered. One of the mothers who 'snubbed' me and DS has actually now become a friend - and hers and my DS are close friends and she does if anything many more playdates that her 'fair share'. They tend now (at age 9) to just come and go between our houses like family. If it is any consolation, 2 years later DS2 started at same school, again we didn't know any others in his class, and totally different set of lovely mums and children. Interstingly, this year group were mostly the eldest child, so i think people were more receptive to other parents.
Stick in there - it will get get more tolerable.....

angelfire
If you're finding the drop offs and pick ups tense, the trick is to leave it to the very last minute (particularly good for pick ups). Dash out of car on the dot, pick child up and dash off. Similarly, in the mornings, have your running gear on and dash in, kiss goodbye and dash off. Just don't get into all the playground politics, because it will drag you down. In approaching these women, you may have made yourself too vulnerable. Have no time for them, and they are more likely to approach you. Their kids are probably cliquey because their parents are.

In terms of your son's friendships, I would just let things ride for a little while. Children change, one minute they are best buddies with x and the next day they are sworn enemies!

I'm having similar problems with my DD who started reception in Sept. A large number of the children came from one of two nursery's (DD didn't) and so we are both finding it hard to fit in. I can't believe how emotionally hard this is and I do feel like I am failing her for not doing more. She has lots of friends from her old nursery so she does have a social group - just not at school.

It takes time, especially for boys. Ds didn't really make good friends until he was in Year 3.

I agree it is difficult when everyone seems to have sorted out their friends as far back as antenatal classes. And it is very hard to break into such groups. People do seem very protective of existing friendships, and view newcomers as akin to marriage wreckers.

I do feel for you, as I too have stood (and still stand!)outside the school thinking that I must have an invisible sign on me saying "Bird Flu" because everyone gives me such a wide berth.

My thoughts are just keep at it with the reasonable ones - and there will be some in there somewhere!

even my good friends sometimes ignore me inthe mornings - time pressure, not good in the mornings, feeling hassled - its not always personal

keep at it - try to find the ones whose kids are new to the school - not the ones with older siblings as they tend to know lots of people already

I find that I talk to the same people daily in the playground but when the kids have had a birthday party they tend to invite the whole class as parents don't really know who their children are friends with.

I then talk to loads of different parents to show them I am very approachable. I am quite a chatty person by nature but with some Mums I do struggle.

Re playdates - try going to a park to feed ducks rather than going to someones house. That way they can get to see your child interacting with theirs and you can chat and walk etc There is no pressure for one parent to provide food and drink either.

Also when you do chat to a Mum try to include some talk about your son's interests like trains, books, football etc to get some common theme. And maybe talk about his good nature, the funny things he does, that way they learn more about him and his personality. This is stuff you can prepare beforehand.

My 4 yr old is shy, cries easily and yet is compassionate, funny, thoughtful etc and he doesn't play with the more boisterous boys but plays with those of a similar nature. I was worried sick he wouldn't have any friends because of his shyness and even at parents evening he hid from his teacher!!!!

I soo agree with critterjitter as that is exactly what I do.

What is this big fuss about playdates anyway? I just don't understand that, kids will play and make there own friends when they are good and ready.

My DS has only had one playdate since he started school (3yrs ago) and it doesn;t seem to upset him. Mind you, I share the school run with another working parent who's DS comes over once a week.

Chin up, if your son is as happy and enthuiastic as you say he is, he will make his own friends.

Good advice on here, Angelfire - totally sympathise, dd is Year 1 and I still have days I absolutely LOATHE the playground and feel dd is being excluded from the hideous clique! Each time I start thinking "it's not too bad" someone will have a tea party or birthday and dd isn't invited. I know rationally she can't go to everything but I still hate the feeling of exclusion.

Trick is to see beyond the clique to the - probably - much nice parents not IN the established clique.

Hurrah - one more pick-up of 2007!

We are moving when dd is Year 3 - must be mad, am going to have to go through it all over again!

Firstly I would say if you son is happy going to school and while he's in school then that's the main thing. This time of year isn't big on playdates ime as most mums want the children out in the garden, especially loud ones . SOme mums will have older children further up the school in same classes so have a history of friendship already. I have made friends through my children's friends but over a period of time and playdates aren't that regular because of other commitments. Where my sister lives playdates are far more common so my expectations had to change once my dd started school and I realised it isn't a weekly thing iykwim. Some people just aren't social beings. Just smiling and nodding and not engaging in conversations is enough. It's early days so good luck.