What would you do about a child who isn’t thriving, but isn’t having a terrible time either?

Sunsetttt · 2021-11-10T12:15:29+00:00

Former teacher here, but career-changed. DS(7) has never liked school. I have tried to investigate why so many times, both with the school and asking him, and working out if it’s a friendship thing, etc. Anyway this year, he’s been saying how much he doesn’t like it even more than ever. This week I spoke to his new teacher who says she can see that he isn’t happy, but doesn’t know why either. She is a good teacher and has tried to get him out of his shell, but it isn’t really working. His school is great, but it’s massive and I’ve often wondered if that’s something to do with it for DS. I don’t know what to do. Should I just leave him and school to get on with and be an emotional support at home? Or take him out and move him somewhere he would have a chance to love it? Not knowing what to do has made me freeze a bit. What would you do for a kid who has never liked school, can’t properly articulate why, but seems happy enough in himself out of school (if not a bit highly strung sometimes)? This is his one childhood! I want to help him have a really positive one. But I don’t know what to do.

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Legoninjago1 · 10/11/2021 16:01

That's tough OP. I have a 7 year old boy too and I know what you mean. He moved schools this year and it's made me realise that at his last school, he was kind of just getting on with it - not unhappy but not particularly happy either. Now at his new school he's a different boy. So happy and hugely motivated. Sounds like a move to a more intimate environment might suit him better. Is that an option?

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/11/2021 16:09

Everyone’s DC are different, but so is each school. My DC have been at schools they loved and schools they hated.

I would consider moving schools if possible especially if he would have years more to go there and involve him in the process..go on a tour of the school where he can meet staff and ask questions. A good sign is if the school asks about his interests and hobbies so that they can match him with a “buddy” with similar interests to show him around the first few days. This one practice has often led to my DC joining a friendship group quickly.

Elieza · 10/11/2021 16:30

I’d consider your options. If another school may be better it could be a good move.

Mossstitch · 10/11/2021 17:33

Three boys, none of whom 'liked' school, would much rather be at home. Two of them I changed schools at various times for particular reasons and they were much better for it but still lived for the holidays. I do think that girls seem to 'thrive' more at school from what I've seen with friends children. With mine it was just something that had to be done. If I had my time again (and different circumstances as became main breadwinner) I would consider home schooling and put them into secondary at appropriate time for exams. I knew someone who home schooled but their child went to night school/college at about 14 to do specific subjects/GCSEs. One size doesn't fit all and all children are different but life doesn't always allow free choice to do what is best for each one🤷

Original poster

Sunsetttt · 10/11/2021 18:09

Thank you for these helpful replies!

Moving schools is definitely an option. It will be expensive if we go private, though not impossible for us, and I’m willing to try it if it’ll make his life happier. (The other state schools around feel quite similar, so I’m not sure they’d be a big enough change for him?! But I don’t know!)

Curious to know, for those who said they changed schools and it made a positive difference, was it because of a house move? Or did you change to another state or go private?

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PlanDeRaccordement · 10/11/2021 22:06

Some school changes were due to a house move, but one house move was to change secondary schools.

My children have been in both private and state schools. The school they hated the most was a private Montessori one and the one they liked the most was a state primary school.

So, I think that schools are very individual, there is no set rule that private will always be better than state or vice versa. Schools can completely change from great to horrible very quickly- as we saw one change due to a new (incompetent) headteacher.

The tours helped us with gauging the culture of the school. My DC are different and while one loved a very big centre city secondary school, my other DC preferred a smaller village school. Both were excellent academically. But the feel was completely different in them.

ChateauMargaux · 10/11/2021 22:19

One of mine was really miserable at school. I took her out for a while ( school were very supportive.. she went part time) and when she was ready to go back she did and was happier but not over the moon. Secondary was a whole new struggle at first but now in year 10 she is happy... but that did involve her speaking up and asking to be moved for several classes which school thankfully were very supportive of. We have been very lucky with the support we have received at school when we needed it She does not have any SEN but school just hasn't been an easy place for her.

My youngest doesn't love school either... for large parts, he is utterly bored but also lacks the motivation to find ways to change that for himself. It is frustrating but I hope he finds things he is passionate about or at least fairly interested in before much longer ... as you said... they only get one childhood.

Others I know who have moved their kids have always said they wished they had done it sooner.

unknownstory · 10/11/2021 23:54

Look round the other schools. Size might be similar but some have more dynamic active & creative ways of teaching the same stuff. I'm often horrified by tales from other parents of very formal structured (dull) learning in other schools. The kids should be inspired to learn

languagelover96 · 11/11/2021 10:04

Schools are not for everybody. That being said I would not give up so fast, perhaps tour the other local schools then make a informed decision.

CrabbyCat · 11/11/2021 20:47

DS went from not liking school and quietly wanting to stay home to being fine instantly on moving school aged 6 last Easter. He couldn't articulate why he didn't like going, and exactly as you say it was that he wasn't thriving rather than any bigger problems. Things he's said since have helped identify some of what wasn't working for him in the old school. One was they weren't managing low level bad behaviour well (not bad enough to be bullying). Another was that the whole class was expected to do work at a similar pace - so e.g. in maths it was a case of answer one question and then sit around waiting bored for the rest of the class to finish being allowed to move onto the next one. At lunchtime, they were only allowing the kids 10 minutes to eat so he was always hungry through the afternoon as he didn't have time to finish his lunch. I suspect there were probably other low level frustrations, but at age 6 they aren't very good at identifying what's not working for them.

Maybe go and look at a few schools with him and see what he thinks? If nothing else, seeing his reaction to schools doing things differently might be informative. Even if they don't have space immediately, you could go on the wait list.

Dozer · 11/11/2021 20:51

Has he always been at the same school? Does he have friends there?

I strongly disliked my (small) primary school because of not having many friends and some - subtly - unkind teachers. On the surface I seemed OK!

Suprima · 11/11/2021 20:56

Get some pens out and have him draw his dream school. You do one at the same time.

This might be illuminating.

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 11/11/2021 21:00

It really depends on what you think are the underlying reasons. If it's part of a necessary learning curve (he likes being in charge or doesn't like when things are hard at the start) then I'd keep him there are try and work with the school.

If he doesn't quite fit with his peers, consider moving.

How did he find home learning?

It has been an unusual few years though, he hasn't had the same experience that previous 7 year olds have had and the classes haven't bonded the same way, so I'd consider just really pushing the friendships for a bit so he enjoys the social side.

Grimbelina · 11/11/2021 21:02

It is very difficult to work out when they are so little exactly what the best 'fit' is, and then the cohort and teacher can't be predicted and add new dynamics. I think after 7 it becomes easier.

One of my DC was on their third primary at 7 (house move and a different system). The first two were exactly what I thought would work well for this DC, but for various reasons they didn't. The most successful was the last, which was everything I would have formally rejected (very large, considered very structured, even 'rigid', very focused on academics) and the opposite of the first two.

I would try and unpick a little more just what is going on though....

Chronicallymothering · 11/11/2021 21:08

Hmm. This is tricky. Is he making expected progress at school and are there any suspicions of undiagnosed SEN? If it’s a child who doesn’t love school but is achieving- then I’d be tempted to persist, put more focus on extra curricular stuff as a way to boost confidence/ life satisfaction. If there’s something niggling which makes you think the environment isn’t working or there is something underlying about learning which needs to be addressed then look into a different school or pursuing investigations.

Chronicallymothering · 11/11/2021 21:09

Also to say 7 year olds skipped from one term in Y1 which is a huge jump from play based learning, into Covid and then into the end of Y2- with another jump up to Y3. It’s been a very difficult period for them.

Original poster

Sunsetttt · 12/11/2021 08:20

@Suprima

Get some pens out and have him draw his dream school. You do one at the same time.

This might be illuminating.

Great idea! I am going to this after school today!

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Original poster

Sunsetttt · 12/11/2021 08:23

@CrabbyCat

DS went from not liking school and quietly wanting to stay home to being fine instantly on moving school aged 6 last Easter. He couldn't articulate why he didn't like going, and exactly as you say it was that he wasn't thriving rather than any bigger problems. Things he's said since have helped identify some of what wasn't working for him in the old school. One was they weren't managing low level bad behaviour well (not bad enough to be bullying). Another was that the whole class was expected to do work at a similar pace - so e.g. in maths it was a case of answer one question and then sit around waiting bored for the rest of the class to finish being allowed to move onto the next one. At lunchtime, they were only allowing the kids 10 minutes to eat so he was always hungry through the afternoon as he didn't have time to finish his lunch. I suspect there were probably other low level frustrations, but at age 6 they aren't very good at identifying what's not working for them.

Maybe go and look at a few schools with him and see what he thinks? If nothing else, seeing his reaction to schools doing things differently might be informative. Even if they don't have space immediately, you could go on the wait list.

This is interesting. I suspect it’s small things similar to that! And maybe a complete lack of independent choice - which is going to be hard anywhere?!

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Original poster

Sunsetttt · 12/11/2021 08:30

How did he find home learning? he liked being at home, but he didn’t like the tasks set! He wasn’t miserable though, I think maybe he slightly preferred it?

Hmm. This is tricky. Is he making expected progress at school and are there any suspicions of undiagnosed SEN? his progress is good, apparently, he likes to learn. I don’t think he has any SEN. It’s such a difficult one. He was very happy in childcare before school, but has never clicked with the current school he’s in. He’s not downright miserable, but just a bit below, I think that’s why I’m so at a loss with what to do about it!

Also to say 7 year olds skipped from one term in Y1 which is a huge jump from play based learning, into Covid and then into the end of Y2- with another jump up to Y3. It’s been a very difficult period for them. that’s so true!! There’s a lot of talk about how reception was better because you could choose what you do!

I will definitely book in to see some local state schools as well as the private options. And I love the idea of drawing a dream school. I can’t help but wonder if there’s somewhere he’d really click with the system and the staff and the kids! Or maybe he’ll always just find school a bit blah (which is pretty sad, but maybe the reality for some?!).

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Peanutbutterrules1 · 12/11/2021 08:37

Some people just hate school. I always hated it. I had friends, I did ok but I hated being there so much. Everyday I just wanted to be at home. I never spoke about it as it’s was the 80s and my parents would of thought I was being ridiculous.

I think it’s just personality. I am an introvert and just found being around so many every day miserable. However in some ways it was good for me as it taught me how to cope with that stuff and not expect things to be tailored to my needs. As soon as I could I made choices that suited me better. My uni course was part time and I lived at home. I have a great job with a balance of home work and seeing people.

School doesn’t suit so many people but unfortunately it’s the best way to educate the population. I would have jumped at the chance of being home schooled if that had been an option. However in the end it has made me more resilient and helped me understand what I need to be happy.