Primary applications for twins

[Pipster78]

Hi there.

I’m after a bit of advice really from any parents of multiples. My boys are due to start reception in September and currently considering schools to put on the list. Well I know which one but so heavily over subscribed I need an alternative. My preferred school lets parents decide in conjunction with school whether boys should be put in separate classes. I’m not in favour of splitting them up just yet. I can see benefits in time but not right now. Anyway a school I viewed yesterday said their policy is they do aplit and appears no discussion at all. This to me doesn’t seem right as evidence is mixed at splitting at this age.

Any advice or experience appreciated as at the moment it seemed a nice school but this was a huge no for me.

Thanks
Pip

Very interesting @suitcaseofdreams
Is it separate secondaries for boy/girl to single sex schools or due to other reasons?

@Joolsin

Our school does have a policy of splitting twins from the beginning, unless for occasional special reasons such as sen/medical recommendations. As a previous op said, they have better outcomes from this. There is always a dominant twin and if together in a class, the dominant twin will take over in all situations, will do the work of building friendships, and the less dominant twin will just float along in their wake. They are individual people and need to build individual lives for themselves. It can be difficult initially, but the benefits outweigh this.

What total bollocks. Tell me OP how many sets of twins have you actually given birth to or personally raised? I have id twins and neither is dominant and never have been. Only when you are a mum to multiples do you realise how close two people can be. Mine know each other better than I know them. Having your twin in the same class is a huge comfort and security. Assuming the parents want them to be together - Taking away that security age 4- when leaving their mother all day and starting in a new school- why? IME it’s a perverse pleasure of adults who have never had multiples to want to split them up. I’ve had it many times through my twins childhoods. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s either due to ‘seeing if they sink or swim’ without the other or in some cases subconscious jealousy that two people have each other and have such a close bond and it needs to be stopped. But very rarely is it actually for the benefit of the children. No mum who actually has twins would ever out this blanket policy in place (certainly not id twins)

A person who hasn’t raised twins giving orders on major life decisions of twins to me is like a man telling a woman how she should feel and act giving birth.

Assuming the parents want them to be together - Taking away that security age 4- when leaving their mother all day and starting in a new school- why?

I have an older daughter - she didn’t need or want a security blanket when she started school, she made friends quite happily.

The same principle when my twins started school, separate classes so they could make friends, which they did.

I think t some twins parents enjoy the fact they have twins and want them as a couple.

They have to separate at some point college university leaving home, why not give them the independent skills when young?

I know a fair few sets - those who’s parents have insisted they are together for everything have one twin who’s struggling and just follows.

I know twin parents who kick off if one is invited to a party and the other hasn’t been - that’s life for all siblings.

I know twin moms who’s one twin has made a friend and insists the other twin is included in everything -

Let them be their own person, no need for a security blanket.

I worked in a Primary School for years and years( and other schools) and we had lots of twins and a set of triplets. Parents were allowed to indicate what they would prefer. Only one parent decided to separate their twins. There was never any problem and the triplets were all together until Yr 5.

We had more sets than other schools in the area. One year in the Nursery we had three sets of twins and the triplets. One set moved but the others went right through the school. It was very interesting teaching them. One set were very identical( actually tested) but all the children could tell them apart 100% of the time. The teacher struggled for quite a while.

Do remember schools have far more experience of educating twins than parents, they will have seen the advantages and disadvantages of keeping them together. Personally I've seen the negatives of where parents insist on them doing everything together, by secondary school age they resent being a twin and one identical pair no longer talk as young adults. Let them be their own person, not just "the twins" trust the school if they recommend splitting

I think this thread has ended up being a means of people justifying their choices - "I split my twins so thats the best thing" or "I kept mine together so that's the right approach". There is absolutely no right or wrong answer and posts that say all the twins I know who were kept together have a struggling twin or they need to be together for a security blanket are really unhelpful. Its an individual choice for the family.

It really doesn't matter what everyone else has done, it's about what the OP wants for her twins and how to approach a school that may (or may not) have a policy which doesn't accommodate her preference.

trust the school if they recommend splitting

Why? Have you reviewed the TAMBA evidence?

The school has never met the OPs twins before school applications. Of course they can pass on guidance on what they usually advise, but ultimately it should be the parents' decision.

@Silverswirl

A person who hasn’t raised twins giving orders on major life decisions of twins to me is like a man telling a woman how she should feel and act giving birth.

Yep!

@Tryingtryingandtrying I agree. I doubt whether it’s a genuine policy.

@Pipster78 You know more than anyone else what’s best for your twins. Others don’t, especially people who are not parents of twins themselves. Blanket “policies” are extremely unhelpful and the Twins Trust will support you on this.

Twins are absolutely not “just like any other siblings”. Children who have been together since conception obviously have a different relationship than other siblings! There is a wealth of research on this. “Splitting” is something that happens naturally at a time that varies between sets of twins, and the children should be involved in any decisions over plans to separate them. It shouldn’t be imposed by schools or done for convenience.

Mine went into Reception together. They chose not to spend much time together in the classroom and developed different friendships, but were in the same class. They were able to see each other when they wanted. They went into different year groups in Y2 or 3, but the school talked to us about it first. As pp have mentioned, the fact that the school is planning to dictate to you and not discuss isn’t a good sign.

Twins are absolutely not “just like any other siblings”. Children who have been together since conception obviously have a different relationship than other siblings!

Only when parents dress them the same, insist they do everything together and don’t nurture the individual.

Why should it be assumed twin a like ballet because twin b wants to go? Why should twin a miss out on brownies because the other isn’t interested?
They are individuals if you let them.

Some teachers never real word mine were twins because they were never together in school. Even went to different schools when older because it suited them and one wanted to move. Now in further education in different settings because they wanted different things.

Their relationship to each other and older sister and all based on liking each other not some weird fascination that they are ‘the same’

I think it's wrong to assume that twins only ever move in similar directions if parents push them into that. If lots of girls in their class do brownies, it's likely that both will want to. Sure, if they want to do different hobbies, then encourage that, but if they want to do the same, don't discourage it. Plenty of non-twin siblings do the same hobbies.

I was amused by one pair of teen twins - one did dance and music clubs, the other did games and drama. Their dad told me that they'd both done them all at primary age, and either could have continued with any of them, but they'd kind of decided to move in different directions as they got older.

What do they do if it's a 2 form entry and it's triplets? This is likely to happen to me. Seems unfair to split 1 away from the other 2.

My twins are 5 and started primary 1 in August there. They were in nursery for 18 months beforehand (when it wasn't locked down) and they are in the same class. The nursery manager had meetings with each of the headteachers for the receiving schools, she asked if I'd like them in the same class or split. I said I'd prefer the same class and the nursery manager agreed as they've always been very independent of each other. In nursery they had their own friends, their own routines and sat with their own friends at lunch or during activities. Its continued on in school, they have their own friends and do activities at different times etc.

OP only you know what's best for your own kids, I agree with seeking advice from Twins Trust, I've been with them since I was pregnant and they have a wealth of advice and support. Its not a one size fits all for multiples and what works for one family won't work for others so it's utter nonsense that the school have a blanket policy.

@unknownstory

Very interesting *@suitcaseofdreams* Is it separate secondaries for boy/girl to single sex schools or due to other reasons?

They’re both boys so not single sex schools. They are very different children with different needs so they will each go to the school which can best meet their needs. I didn’t foresee this happening - until a year or so ago, I would have assumed same secondary but different tutor groups etc. but in fact it’s become clear that they need different schools - they’re non identical and whilst they share some interests, they also have very distinct ones and very distinct friendship groups and I think they’ll be fine in separate schools (although it’s more admin for me!)

TAMBA have a specimen letter to write to school - essentially saying is the parents choice unless there are practical reasons (such as only one class) which means a school can’t accommodate. My twins are in the same class, despite it being a 3 form entry. They have a lovely relationship, great friends, but in a class of 30 they have both made their own friendship group and neither is ‘dominant’. When they get to secondary they will be in different classes but I couldn’t see the point of distressing them when they started school (the biggest event of their lives at age 4) in splitting them from the person they had spent their whole life with. Logistically too, makes school drop off and pick up easier esp if you have other children

Many primary schools only have one class per year group so no there's choice but to put twins in the same class.

*there's no choice

Twins Trust will reason with them!

twinstrust.org/let-us-help/parenting/primary/together-or-apart.html

Skim read the thread so apologies if already got the link but this is really useful. As their parent, you know your twins best!

Our DT’s were in separate classes their last year of nursery and throughout school. It was very important to us that they were treated as individuals and not as one of the twins.

As I've said quite often on twins threads, we really have to get away from "separate classes = independent children" and "same class = co-dependancy". It doesn't (and shouldn't) have to be that way.

That depends on the parents

Quite often you see twins dress the same, have the same hair style ware the same coats, they don’t have the same choices when together. They can gain more from being apart.

Who wants to work with their husbands all day and then spend all evening with them?

At least separate they have something to talk about l, new friends new games etc

There are an awful lot of people on here who aren't parents of twins who seem very sure they know what's best! 🙄🙄 OP I'm very sure knows what's best for her particular twins I'm sure. Mine did better in the same class but separated into different groups, they just need the other nearby even if they ignored each other all day 😂 I pretty sure they're not allowed to have a mandatory splitting policy.

Close the school and worry about the classes later. Being in the right school will bring far more benefit that bing in the same/different classes according to what seems to suit them now, age 3/4.

You'll probably find that the teachers and school are open to discussion once you're there. They may want to go with their preference for the first year, but if you have good reasons then they'll almost certainly listen at a later date.

@Evelyn52

There are an awful lot of people on here who aren't parents of twins who seem very sure they know what's best! 🙄🙄 OP I'm very sure knows what's best for her particular twins I'm sure. Mine did better in the same class but separated into different groups, they just need the other nearby even if they ignored each other all day 😂 I pretty sure they're not allowed to have a mandatory splitting policy.

Exactly this. You literally can’t know what it’s like to have twins unless you have had them. Just the same as you can’t know what it’s like to be a mum unless you are one. As I said before- I’ve encountered many non twin parents who have a peculiar desire to see my identical twins split up - just to see how they cope it seems? Neither of mine is dependant on the other. They are both extremely similar to each other in terms of interests (although one did do a club for a while that the other didn’t do which was fine) They literally haven’t even spent 1 whole day apart in their whole lives - they are 8. They like it that way. They want to share a bed at night and take great comfort that the other is nearby. What’s wrong with that? As a child wouldn’t you have loved someone who understood you completely and who you felt 100% comfortable with. Someone in your corner. Someone who will be there for you unconditionally and someone who is exactly on your level / at your stage mentally and physically? Jesus I wouldn’t mind that as an adult let alone as a child. They have their own friends in class but will often play together too.