How to choose a primary school for a shy child

[Willow4987]

So my DS is due to start school next sept and is extremely shy. We worry about his confidence but he is improving. He was only just over 18 months old when we went into lockdown so has spent half of his life in this weird situation which I think has made it worse. He will just be 4 when he goes to school

We are viewing 5 schools as we’re lucky to have several within a short distance to us

The 2 front runners are vastly different

School 1 is closest in the same town to us, walkable in under 10 mins, seemed to have a lot of additional enrichment opportunities and we know people who work there, who also send their children there. The kids were really engaged as were the teachers. Overall we liked it. However it’s got just over 300 pupils so we’re concerned about him being overwhelmed

School 2 is ofsted outstanding, just under 100 pupils, got a really good feeling there but we didn’t see it during school hours so didn’t see kids engagement etc. It’s at least a 10-15 min drive without traffic down some fairly busy roads at rush hour to a village. None of the children who attend live in the village and the head mentioned that they take kids from as far away as 16 miles away from us. I’m concerned about the ability to make local friends and the massive jump to secondary which is a 2000+ school. Also if his primary friends lived that far away, they would be more likely to go to a diff secondary school and he would lose that safety net

I suppose I’m looking for advice from people who have been there

Would you choose a slightly larger local school, where friendships could be made that transition to a large secondary school and hope they adjust and don’t get left behind developmentally or emotionally during the early years

Or would you go for the smaller school, where they would flourish initially, but less chance fo friendship groups to carry forward to secondary (or at all due to low intake each year) and potentially have a harder time adjusting to a large secondary

I’m really torn and don’t want to get this decision wrong

Also thanks if you read all of that. There’s a lot going round my head and it was good to just get it out

I would definitely choose the closer and bigger school.

I like larger primaries both as a parent and as a teacher. More staff so less responsibility and therefore pressure. And more experience and expertise. For example in a big school the teacher in charge if the music curriculum might actually be musical. Even something small like the assembly rota. Once a week in a small school. Once a half term in a big primary.

I wouldn't worry about your ds being overwhelmed. He will still have his own teacher, classroom and the same number of classmates whichever school he goes to. Unless one is undersubscribed.

I would also go with the bigger school - children are kept very much in their class/year at first so he won't be thrown in with 300 kids. Dd didn't go to infant assembly until half way through year r. You also need to remember that you are picking a school for your son at 10 as well. And imo a larger primary makes the transition to secondary easier

Dont look at the size of the school, look at the size and arrangement of classes. Small schools means mixed year classes, smaller friendship pool, and different people in the class each year. Can also mean having the same teacher for a couple of years, and SLT knowing more pupils.

Bigger school... more friendship opportunities. More facilities. Hopefully classes are single year. (Not clear from your figures as 1 class entry is 210 pupils, and you mention 300 which could be 1.5 class entry)

Thanks everyone for your advice!! Hopefully DH and I will be on the same page

@Aroundtheworldin80moves both schools have mixed classes actually, just the smaller school only has 1 class made up of reception and year 1, then year 2 on their own, then 3&4 together and 5&6 together. They only have max 15 pupils intake per year group (most are closer to 12) so they’re mixed together.

Whereas the larger school has 2 classes for reception (with about 22-23 children in each room), and then there’s between 2-3 classes for each buddied up year groups eg yr 1 & 2 have 3 classes mixed together, yr 3 & 4 have the same etc…

Both schools explained that they found it helped keeping teachers and classes consistent for 2 years especially for the more reserved children as they had more consistency and less setting time in that second year.

Definitely the closer school so he has friends close by.

I actually think a larger school could help with shyness rather than keeping him in a little bubble.

Driving to and from school every day also seems an unnecessary burden when you have one on your doorstep.

I’d say small school, and it’s worked very well for my similarly very shy daughter who is now in Year 3 and much more confident. I thought she’d be lost and overwhelmed at the larger school. Also I think she needed to be eased gently but regularly a little bit out of her comfort zone, and in a bigger school there would have been more opportunities to just take the easy option and let the confident kids get on with the talking while she faded into the background.
We also talked to the schools specifically about how they’d approach it - I know you’re advised not to “label” your child as shy, but really she just was and so I needed to know they had strategies to help bring her out of herself a bit, but that she would be treated sympathetically and not seen as somehow failing because she didn’t want to be centre of attention.
It’s a difficult choice though, best of luck to you.

Probably the larger school. Weirdly it seems to offer more chances to make friends (if the smaller class already know each other, and you'll be surprised how often that can happen) it can be harder to find someone to be friends with.

The 15 min drive will be a nightmare unless you're really organised too .

Overall though, I would say go with your gut and choose the kindest place. My DS is so so shy, What's made the difference is the genuine and kind staff who want the best for all the kids at school

I'd agree there larger. More resources, more opportunities. Less overworked staff.

I would also say, you are likely to find your DS will gain leaps and bounds of confidence once he starts school. Even if just in a quietly confident way. Most schools are much better at treating shy children in ways which celebrates their personality and gently pushes them. If you are thinking back to your own experiences as a shy child where you were told to speak up and labelled shy at school, this really just doesn't happen anymore.

You may also find, as you say, being in a too small and cosy environment can mean a child never learns to deal with trickier situations. Sometimes small environments can mean a child is put in a box and a new teacher higher up the school already holds many preconceptions when your child gets to them. I found having faith in my shy child and letting them find their way was best.

Now she is older she is quietly confident and very capable of standing up for herself. She openly is happy being an introvert and says she is feels I had faith in her as she never overheard me worrying that she wouldn't cope - unlike her well meaning father who would perhaps too loudly be telling all the teachers to watch out for her and not expect her to read in assembly etc. This drew attention to it and made her even more worried as it would be a big deal if she did read in the assembly. It makes a lot of sense.

It's a really hard one with the small school being further away. I have 2 very shy DC, and a small school the same size as your small school has been absolutely the best choice. Starting reception with a half class makes for a much calmer environment, where they rapidly get to know everybody - there's been no tears from anybody at drop off unlike at bigger schools. In an environment where they are comfortable and know essentially everybody, they really come out of their shell - coping with things like class presentations and major school play speaking parts in a way I'd never have thought they would. Even things like class parties are easier with a half reception class if you have DC who are overwhelmed with crowds. The better mixing across ages you get in a smaller school at breaktime is good for their confidence as they get used to older children. I also think you can overthink whether a school will be right for your reception age starter by the time they are in year 6, for all you know you may have moved house by then and an unhappy start in reception can be such a big short term problem.

Having said all that, the much longer commute would be a big downside to the smaller school. How do they run reception in the bigger school - is it as one big free flow space or properly split into two smaller classes? How many kids are in hall together for lunchtime and how noisy is it, is everyone in the one playground or is it split? How do they run the settling in period - is it straight into full days (which is hard for shy DC who find interacting with lots of people they don't know hard work) or are there some shorter get to know each other sessions?

The nearer bigger school. My DD went to a lovely but tiny village school. There are some downsides, friendships can be great or traumatic! A bigger pool of potential friends makes it more likely you'll find someone you like. Definitely make the transition to high school easier.

Bigger & closer. Shy children come out of their shell as a result of good teachers who build their confidence, It's about the ethos not the school size. Putting a quiet shy child in a tiny school for 7 years does them no favours when they transition to high school

We are in a similar dilemma! However, my thinking is we will choose the larger school as it is within catchment, which means local friends. There is a larger budget so there are more enrichment opportunities on offer and after school activities.

A drive will really potentially limit friendships locally and, for an already shy child, this may not help.

Good luck

The bigger school. But this is your decision to make. Tell us more about the level of homework, class numbers and whether or not she would be happy and excel there.

Progress is important too in other words. You know her the best after all. Go and tour both of the schools then decide on one. Look at the websites of the schools in order to make a informed decision about them.

Make notes in addition, on your gut feeling. Things like after school clubs might be actually much easier at the smaller school. Consider birthdays and Christmas as well. If you can, take photos of both schools and list pros and cons of each. Talk to key staff and see what they have to tell you.

Speak to a few moms and dads. Ask about what happens in lessons etc, that is important.