School certificate upset

[RaptorOnATractor]

Ds (7) finished up for half term today and they had a big assembly with loads of different type of certificates being given out. They do teacher ones every week but there are loads more at the end of term assembly. He came out very weepy that he hadn't had one, not the first time he's been upset by this. He says he's not good enough, which just kills me (one time he sobbed all the way home saying nothing he did was good enough as he wasn't getting the hallowed certificate). We have of course told him that not getting a certificate doesn't mean he's not good enough, but we also obviously can't tell him why others were picked this time. All we tell him is that he just needs to continue to work hard, be attentive, kind etc, and that we are proud of him regardless.

For context, he is a very bright boy, and is generally lovely and friendly, but he has an impulsive side to him that gets him into the odd spot of minor trouble. Which I can't see helping here. And he has had a certificate awarded to him in both school years so far, albeit his have been towards the end of the year, so he's left waiting ages.

Obviously I can never ask his teacher about this, as it'll essentially become me fishing for awards for him. But I hate how much hope he pins on it and how rarely he gets the recognition he wants from school.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? Either directly with him, or perhaps somehow with the school? Or do I just need accept that it's a really shitty and frustrating part of the primary school years?!

Is it possible school are making sure everyone gets one so he has to wait for his next one until the whole class is done? Our school is now doing this they strike off names of those who get it and finish the whole class and then start again. Some years back it was more skill based but unfortunately only a handful were getting them and some never had a chance. I would explain to him that everyone deserves a chance. My son also gets v upset so I also mark end of term with a little home treat like going out to eat something or movie night just as a reward for working hard in the term so he has something to look forward to.

Yes, quite possibly. We can rationalise it as adults, whichever way they are managing it as a school, but it's harder to convey it to him - I can't say it's a case of just waiting his turn as it may actually not work out that way. I have noticed some children get it more than once before others have a chance at all. It stings, because I think he deserves one (obvs) and I hate seeing him upset. Yes I normally do a nice end of term treat for him but I has to work last night so it's deferred.

Exactly the same. Yesterday DC was really upset, not because the others didn't deserve half term awards, but they were given for doing their best all half term etc. And this half term he has reeeeeally tried his best, more than ever. It's not sulking because so and so got something, it's why is my best not good enough questions. It's hard when it's not recognised at the right time. We'll do our own reward obviously.

I think not winning is an important life lesson.

A good school will emphasise that they care and cherish all pupils, not just the high achievers.

However, celebrating achievement is also valid and pupils find a certificate/prize disappointing when they realise everyone has got one.

You can help your child come to terms with the disappointment.

YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD CONTACT THE SCHOOL!

I did this very thing last year when all but 5 children got a certificate in my sons class. It is upsetting your child and quite possibly could have a detrimental impact on his approach at school. This is especially so given you know he has really tried.

My son has a strong sense of what is fair and he knew it wasn't. Send an email, you can be tactful. Say he was very upset and you want to know what you can do to support him in achieving a certificate.

You are his mum, if you won't try to make his world ok, who will?

I agree with @TheReluctantPhoenix - I appreciate your son is upset but this is an important life lesson for him. Not everyone gets to be a winner just for showing up.

He'll have plenty of occasions throughout his life where he'll feel like his best wasn't good enough and it'll get him down. It might be an exam he's studied for for months that he doesn't quite get the grade he wanted on, or a job interview that he spent ages revising for and practicing interview technique only to be told that they're giving the job to someone else.

Life is full of disappointments but it's how we learn to handle the disappointments, that's what helps us to grow.

Hope your little lad enjoys his half term holiday 🙂

@Harlequin1088

I agree with *@TheReluctantPhoenix* - I appreciate your son is upset but this is an important life lesson for him. Not everyone gets to be a winner just for showing up.

He'll have plenty of occasions throughout his life where he'll feel like his best wasn't good enough and it'll get him down. It might be an exam he's studied for for months that he doesn't quite get the grade he wanted on, or a job interview that he spent ages revising for and practicing interview technique only to be told that they're giving the job to someone else.

Life is full of disappointments but it's how we learn to handle the disappointments, that's what helps us to grow.

Hope your little lad enjoys his half term holiday 🙂

Agree. Learning to deal with disappointment is a tough but important lesson. Keep an eye on the situation - it only the end of the first half term after all. I’d carry on as you are. Lots of encouragement as well as ‘never mind’ and moving into something else.

I have younger children, so I don't know how useful this advice will be... Can you not just explain to him how pointless certificates, stars, stickers etc. are?

In the sense of letting him know that you are proud of him because you see how hard he has worked. That even if he got a certificate, you would be equally as proud of him for working hard, and that you don't set any store by the actual certificate.

Is he old enough to understand a brief talk about how damaging it can be to work for rewards and grades instead of just making sure he tries his best. That it can lead to people not doing their best, because they've already got the certificate. Or giving up because they know they can't get one this time. Or getting lots of achievements at school, then falling apart when they reach an age when rewards stop coming so easily.

I think part ofkthis is making sure he gets just as much recognition for his work at home, regardless of whether he gets a certificate. And not making a big deal on the occasions when he is rewarded.

All of your comments are so valid. Thank you.

Yes, we do get and agree that learning to deal with disappointment is important, and try to use this as a good learning opportunity for that. And we do also try to downplay somewhat the significance of stickers, certificates etc, and focus more on the merit of trying your best for yourself rather than for reward (in an age appropriate way, anyway haha).

It still hurts to see him upset though, especially as PP has said when he has really tried his best, so much. He's close to the top of his class in terms of learning etc, so it's hard to break the association for him of those achievements but not getting the coveted certificate!

@LazySundayPlease DH and I have talked about doing this, I just don't know how to word it in a way that isn't inappropriate. It makes me feel like I'd be being parent - as you say though, maybe that's not the worst thing?

Thankfully this morning he seems to have forgotten it all. He's excited about half term and lots to look forward to. I hope everyone else on a school break has a lovely time!

I agree that children need to learn about disappointment, but I've also been in a similar position OP, where my son never got a certificate for anything, he tried his hardest and never got a pen licence, never chosen for anything, etc. It was a killer to see him so upset when we knew he'd done his best too. We always treated him at the end of term and after parents evening but he just wanted some recognition from school too.

It's drastic, but we moved him to a new primary school this year, and he's absolutely flying. He loves it and his teacher is fabulous. We've just had parents evening and discussed the difference between where he is now, compared to where he was at the start of the year - her view is that he was completely under the radar at his old school, they just didn't notice him. It was the first parents evening I've ever been to where I felt the teacher really knew my child, and he's only been in her class and at the school for 8 weeks. His confidence has grown, he's happier, he's sleeping better, he loves going to school and he's working hard and enjoying it. I wish we'd moved him years ago tbh.

How do you feel about the school in general? We thought DSs first school was good, although I felt his teachers didn't really know him - I just assumed that was how it is at school. Since moving him I've realised they just let him drift - he was doing ok so they left him.

In general we love the school. I don't feel any disconnect between him and the teachers. I think his impulsivity puts the rewards further out of his reach, potentially, and I also wonder whether the fact he finds learning quite easy does the same thing - i.e. other children need to work harder than he does for the same outcome, so either warrant or are motivated by the reward more? Maybe that's what you mean by letting him drift, though?

Yes kind of. DS wasn't disruptive but wasn't particularly a high flyer. He found most things relatively straightforward and I think the teachers had their work cut out with some of the others so he just drifted along.

We did speak to the school in year 1, as he was the only child not to get star of the week in reception, so we asked how it was decided and what he would need to do to get it. Turns out they had forgotten him in reception as everyone was meant to get it. I feel like that was quite a common theme throughout really.

Most children pretty soon realise that certificates and stars are a bit random.

Normally, when the most disruptive and lowest attaining child gets one (which they invariably do).

Learning for its own sake and genuine interests are what distinguish the long term successful students.

I really don't like the whole certificate thing - utterly pointless when everyone has to get on in the end anyway, and the pressure some kids (and tbh some parents) put on them to get one....

It is only the end of the first half term - what is that 8 weeks of school? He has plenty of time left to have a certificate. If his behaviour has not been all it should be then it makes sense that he has not had one yet. It really would be sending out mixed messages.

I am actually really concerned about resilience in children. They have to experience some disappointments in real life, so having to wait a bit longer for a piece of paper is really not the end of the world.

It sucks. We can't always get what we want. Sometimes life throws us a curved ball. Not getting a certificate is a very small disappointment, and will hopefully help children to understand that they can't win at everything. If they are start of the week every week then they are going to come crashing down to reality with a bang at GCSE and A Level when not everyone will het straight A*. I have worked with many A Level aged students who just have no coping skills because they have become accustomed to 'winning' everything.

100% agree that learning should be done for its own sake, not for rewards, and DS does love learning in, and of, itself. But he also wants that blasted piece of paper.

And yes @amillionmenonmars I don't much like them as a 'thing' at all. I don't know whether it has come across, but there is absolutely no pressure from us at all for him to come home with any kind of award. And I agree that he needs to up his game on the behaviour front before he gets one - I think I alluded to that in my OP.

I haven't posted here because I think he 'should' have had one already (as you say, it's only the end of the first term), more because I just feel a bit helpless and wondered whether anyone else had any nuggets of wisdom, even if those nuggets are basically to leave it/suck it up/it's a life lesson. And while I do fully agree that exposure to disappointment, and learning to deal with it and move on, is important, I'm also allowed to feel sad (privately, and not in front of him) at seeing him feel so despondent.

As I say, he's moved on now - so he can and does deal with the disappointment pretty well. I'm just trying to armour myself ready for this undoubtedly rearing its head again when they're back at school next term.

We did have to explain to DD in reception the turn taking nature of school certificate giving to avoid a slew of "but I was sitting quietly at story time too" and feeling that either she was doing things wrong or the teachers never noticed her.
By y5 she was rather comically affronted to be given a sticker as "you only need stickers if you're bad at things". They do notice.

Secondary school seem more inclined to reward people who actually do well and contribute (not just academic, all aspects of school life).

Yeah I hate this, a description but I have b grade children who do well but not child genius but equally are very well behaved and are never disruptive.

They are always praised in their school reports and always forgotten when it comes to these awards.

DD (high-achiever and well-behaved) never used to get a certificate before May. Maybe I'm unduly cynical, but I explained that if the teacher was trying to make sure everyone got one by the end of the year, they would be seizing every opportunity to give one to the usually-silly kids who had a good week, whereas they could safely leave her until later because she always had good weeks. She was happy with that explanation.

Worth maybe at Parents Evening just approaching the subject lightly by saying his confidence is a tad lower than you expected it to be and you wonder if this is down to the allocation of awards/perhaps not being recognised in the certificates?

Have you actually been at one of these assemblies yourself and seen what the awards are for and who they’re given to? IME at a prep school they will give them to whoever is the actual best (inc. giving the French prize to the brat kid whose mum was the French teacher and had brought him up bilingual.) If it’s a state school then they’re more like encouragement type prizes eg intolerable naughty kid manages to sit on chair for one lesson. If your son is the kind of student who just gets on with stuff then he’s unlikely to get rewarded for it. Maybe he could start a hobby where he gets certificates for actual achievements? Eg swimming badges, martial arts belts, music grades etc

Even at a young age (I cant remember when exactly) i told.my kids that sometimes teachers give out certificates or rewards to kids who may need a bit of encouragement or acknowledgement. For example I would say something like "yes you do have very good handwriting but maybe Mrs X gave the handwriting certificate to little Jimmy because he has worked really really hard to improve his handwriting recently"

Can you make him one and post it to him saying school send it?

If your child is repeatedly getting upset a home due to something happening in school then tell his teacher. His teacher will be able to talk it through with him.

I really wish schools wouldn't do this. My DC never seems to get anything. You'd never guess that it bothers them but it really does and we've had tears at bed time.Last year I mad a point of mentioning it to the teacher and a few days later my Dc had an award. I've just done the same thing again with this years teacher and I'm very much hoping that they will respond in the same way

I'd just tell his teacher he's getting upset about it.
She'll probably do him a certificate next week and all will be sorted.