Crying every morning at drop off - reception

[Humptydumpty85]

Today was day 4 of reception and we are still having lots of tears at drop off - it doesn't seem to be getting any better and is really getting me down now! Anyone have any tips or in the same position?

Dd is July born so quite young, seems to enjoy school once she's in but is very upset at leaving me. School aren't great, there's been no transition and we can't walk them to class (covid!!) but to be honest she started this the last term of nursery and since then has cried where ever I leave her - grandparents, swimming, friends house etc so I don't it's particularly anything about school which is the issue 😕

Can a friend drop off for a few days...
See if that helps?

It’s fairly common. Still very early days.
What do school say about how she is once she’s in? Do the tears stop? Is she happy during the day?
If so, then I’d try not to worry too much.

my son cried every day until year 4.....

I really feel for you- it’s the worst feeling in the world dropping them off when they are breaking their heart.
It’s such early days and it will get better. I’ve been through this with both of mine and they are now both happy and settled in school. I found consistency was the key, keep taking them in and try to leave quickly- don’t prolong the goodbye. The more time they spend at school, the more comfortable and confident they become there. Make lots of time with her after school and at weekends and it will get better x

Did she not go to nursery? I find it surprising that kids aren’t used to being dropped off long before they start school.

@whattodo2019 oh god, I think I'll have a nervous breakdown if it goes on that long! How did you manage, did you get desensitised to it or was it 4 years of guilt and feeling awful?!

@Smartiepants79 the teacher said she settles as is reasonably happy for the rest of the day and she comes out saying she's had a good day. I know that should be reassuring (it is a bit) but seeing her so upset every day still gets to me. Also find it really stressful not knowing who will be on the gate every morning and whether they'll be anyone to take her in or if I'll have to try and persuade her to walk to her class alone!

@happytoday73 I think that would transfer the crying from school gate to the moment of friend taking her/picking her up. Maybe worth a try in case it breaks the cycle though.

I once had a Year 2 boy who cried every day for the first month of school.

OP, it'll just be that everything is a bit overwhelming, I imagine. Have you asked if she's fine once you're gone? Quite often tears are forgotten within a few minutes of mum/ dad leaving. Just be smiley, reassure, kiss, hug and leave as quickly as possible. I'm sure she'll be okay in a week or two. :)

@BroccoliSprout yes, as I said she went to nursery and this problem began at the end of the year. Used to being dropped off and happy being dropped off aren't the same thing!

@tanqueray10 thank you that's good to hear 😊 think you're right, have to just keep going with it. I just find it so draining, and also frustrating as it's not always been this way, up until June she was happy to go off without me and have fun!

I'm a year 1 teacher. We often have at least one at the beginning of the year who we have to pry away from a parent. I can only reassure you that in my 10 years I can't remember anyone that cried for more than 5/10 mins. Usually it's closer to 2 mins and then they are fine, enjoying the day. I realise it must be heartbreaking but they are absolutely fine.

Her reactions will, at least in part, feed off your reactions.
Try and keep totally positive and calm. No signs of anxiety. Show her You are her adult and you know it’s going to be fine, she will have a great day.
Keep the drop off short and no nonsense. See if her teacher will agree to a distraction tactic if needed. An important job that she must be in school to do. That kind of thing.

@KatherineOfGaunt thank you, I really hope so. I think this phase feels as though its gone on so long now(since June) that I've lost hope a bit! From what she and the teacher say she's fine once in school. She's not a super confident kid but seems to be managing and enjoying herself so far and I guess that really is the main thing.

@gardennewb that's good to hear, thank you! I think I just need to find a better way of dealing with my own feelings around it maybe!

@Smartiepants79 that's a good idea, I'll ask the teacher if she could do this if it continues. I try to make the drop off quick, acknowledge she' s going to miss me (in response to crying/wailing!) and that I'll see her soon, quick kiss and I go. I am anxious though as I'm expecting the tears now and quite possibly she is picking up on that. Also difficult as sometimes there's a teacher to walk them to class, other times not - she can probably pick up on my stress at this point I guess!

Give it time OP, it's still early days.

@BroccoliSprout it's a different setting though. Even moving rooms at nursery can cause tears at drop off again, let alone a completely different environment.

Having to walk from the gate to the classroom alone does sound scary. Mine used to go on the school bus, but they took special care of reception and yr1.

I found talking about the fun things they do at school on the way there helped a bit.

It's quite typical for at least one member of Reception to be like this initially. Unfortunately, prolonging the moments of separation, by doing things like going into the cloakroom with her, will potentially make things a lot worse. The issue isn't being away from you, which is why she settles once you're gone, but in the act of separation itself.

There are a few things you could try:

1. Speak to the teacher about having an activity readily available for a number of the class (not just her) and this would be even better if it was outside so she is drawn in as soon as you arrive (ideally not even noticing you leave).
2. Pocket item "hugs". You both have a small comfort item in your pockets such as a keyring (which could also be secured to her clothes so it doesn't get lost) or a sticker etc. She can touch it when she is missing you or unsure and it links the pair of you together. Some parents go so far as to tell the child that they can feel it when the child touches it.
3. Make drop off as quick as possible. Don't be early: arrive exactly when you need to and make the transition immediate. Avoid anything which prolongs the moment of separation. This also means that if a member of staff has hold of your child and they are taking her into school, leave straight away, even if she is crying. It sounds awful but when a child is struggling with the separation moment, the parent being there longer than absolutely necessary often makes it worse.

Hang on Sec, She was at nursery before, and this started at the end of the year? So at nursery. Not started re school. She was ok until June. So his started on June. At nursery. It's nothing to do with school as such.

So something is bothering her. You leaving her. "acknowledge she' s going to miss me (in response to crying/wailing!) ". She's crying and wailing because she wants you, doesn't want to be left.

Has she been upset or traumatised in some way? Back in June? Perhaps you can get to the root cause of what is causing this?

My DD had a (thankfully short) phrase of this. The head teacher on the gate would whisper something to her (told me after) like 'I have an important job for you, can you make mummy a card' which helped DD a bit. I also wonder if you could have some sort of object e.g. your keyring that you put in her book bag to keep safe until you pick her up, so she has a link to you.

You’re definitely within your rights to request a familiar member of staff to be at the gate each day. I’m not surprised you’re both anxious if you never know who’s going to be there or if she’s going to have to walk to her classroom alone! She’s 4 years old and in her first week of Reception, FFS! It’s a big transition and school should be doing more to help you both to make it easier. Explain your concerns and request a familiar adult at the gate, OP.

I cried when I started school - many decades ago with no introduction or part time days. - but I was mostly angry that they dared to do this to me. I didn't want to be there. Also wasn't used to crowds of kids. Wanted to be home.
So it might not be exactly that she is missing you, it might also be that she has to go.

It’s absolutely crap to expect a four year old in their first week of school to walk to their classroom by themselves. My very confident, went to the school nursery, loves school child would struggle with that! My anxious child would have literally melted down. School needs to work out a process so that little ones are met by their teacher or TA or familiar adult - at ours the teacher and TA wait in the playground just inside the gate until they are all (or almost all) dropped off then walk the whole group in. They chalk pictures while they wait! There are other ways. But expecting an anxious new starter to just walk there herself is ridiculous.

Thanks everyone, some really helpful advice - I appreciate it.

I think you are right @Iamnotthe1 it's the moment of separation. If I can get her engaged in something before leaving she's fine - but everything she does won't allow this now due to covid and it just doesn't suit her!

In a way I'm reasurred that some of you think the school should be doing more here, I think they could be too but as most children seem to be coping I wasn't sure - this gives me a bit of confidence to push for more help from them.

@Oblomov21 yes that's exactly what happened. I've tried to get to the bottom of it but neither she or the school nursery have been able to suggest anything which happened to upset her or change things. The only thing I can think of was that she started a sport/activity at that time that didn't allow parents in and despite wanting to go she became very upset by that. She loves it and still asks to go every week though so I don't think that anything awful happened while she was there. She's a sensetive kid and I wonder if with all the covid regs, no tra sitions, no parents allowed anywhere etc it's just all gotten too much for her.

I’m suffering similarly here, tears every morning (except day 1) at the drop off from my son who has just started reception.

It’s not a surprise, he cried every day at the (same school) nursery drop off until October half term and then usually the first week after each holiday.

I know he’s having fun and I’ve got very good at just being matter of fact with him, a very quick goodbye and “I’ll be back to get you after school”. Most often, the teacher/TA grabs his hand and just walks him in and we share a knowing look.

I’m not at the point of asking them yet, but if it continues I’ll mention it (via message, so my son isn’t in earshot and picking up negative messages), check he’s actually happy and ask if they’d prefer I do anything differently.

As hard as it is, the crying doesn’t mean that they’re unhappy so unless you hear otherwise look on the bright side - your child wants to spend time with you!

It could be just a reaction to the slightly topsy turvy world of the last 18 months, or even just a developmental thing - just because it started in June doesn't mean there was something specific then that triggered it?

some v good tips on here. I had a crier in Nursery. Definitely don't hang about. Get teacher on board and make the transition as quick as possible.

This happened with us, exactly the same. Last few months of nursery she could feel the change coming and started to get nervous and sad at nursery dropoff. Then tears for reception. I'm ashamed to say I was quite embarrassed eventually as everyone else's kid was fine. Teacher was fab and quickly learned to say 'oh good you're here, I have an important job for you!'. Worked a treat. Tears only lasted a week. Then tears 1st day of Y1 (and all the stop start with covid), and 1st day of Y2 where she is now... I'm fairly desensitised to it now and literally threw her in telling her she was being silly. You have to brush it off and don't hesitate even for a split second for an extra hug. I walk away with tears in my eyes each time but they must never see that. She absolutely loves school, think she almost just does tears on 1st day now out of habit!

My DS is the same, we are still on settling in sessions at our school and have another 2.5 weeks to go before full time.

First 2 mornings he went in fine but the last 3 mornings have been a nightmare. Fine getting dressed, knows he’s going &on the walk the to school but as soon as he’s in the playground the tears begin. The teacher always comes to help him in but he is so upset.

He did attend preschool 3 full days a week and did have tears going in there for a while after the long break from covid closures but this is so hard when it seems everyone else goes in so happy. He comes out from school happy but who knows when or if he’ll settle also he has to get used to staying for lunch yet so I’m sure that’ll be another hurdle.

He’s a late june born child so wether that makes any difference I don’t know, my other child was a December born so almost 5 when she started and not 1 tear in sight