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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Moved house, not sure new school is right - stick it out or change school?

27 replies

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 11:47

We moved house over the summer holidays. It was the right thing to do for many reasons, but it meant my DD had to leave her old primary school after reception year. She loved her old school, had settled well and started to make good friends (despite covid!)

She's now started at a new school and it's VERY early days (today is day 3!) but I don't have a good feeling. Her teacher seems absolutely lovely and is making an effort to include her in activities but she says she feels lonely and nobody is talking to her.

I set up a playdate with a girl in her class which was absolutely disastrous, the girl made no effort to play with her and just ignored her. Her mum said she already had a really close group of friends and I'm just worried that it's all a bit cliquey and that friendship groups are already formed.

As an aside it's a very affluent area and the playground is like Motherland on speed. I haven't found the other parents particularly welcoming (I know that's not a good way to judge the school, but is possibly colouring my opinion).

On paper it is an excellent school academically, OFSTED outstanding etc but I'm just not sure if it's the right fit or if she'd be better off in a more nurturing environment. A place has just come up at another nearby school which is CofE and one form entry (like her old school). Another girl who lives nearby goes to the school and loves it, and my DD has met her and got on well with her - but again, I don't want to give this too much weight as she's only 5 and friendships are fluid at this age!

I guess I'm just looking for opinions. Has anyone else been in this situation? Should I be giving the current school more of a chance, am I judging it too quickly? Do I have grass is greener syndrome?!

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PineappleWilson · 07/09/2021 12:01

This early in, I would swap her I think. She has a more likely friendship possiblity there and you both have a better feel about it.

trippingflip · 07/09/2021 12:14

Tricky. I wouldn't know what to do.
I might give it a week and also make enquiries to the other school. They might be over subscribed.

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 12:16

@pineapplewilson thank you. I think that is what my heart is telling me to do to be honest.

My DH thinks we should leave her where she is and make the best of it - he's worried the further disruption will upset her - but I just have a much better feeling about the other school. Even though on paper, her current school is the 'better' one.

It's so hard being a parent sometimes!

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Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 12:17

@trippingflip I called them this morning and they have one place available in Y1...

I do think I should give it at least until the end of the week at her current school though. I may have judged them too quickly.

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HonorHiding · 07/09/2021 12:43

Tricky one, but having had a very unhappy DD instantly transformed by a move to the right school I would trust your instincts and grab that place while it’s there.

CoffeeWithCheese · 07/09/2021 13:01

If it's THAT cliquey with friendship groups dictated and fuelled by the mothers - I'd move her. We slogged on from Reception to the end of Year 3 in a cohort like that - and the barriers never ever broke down, and instead it snowballed into DD being bullied by some of the Queen Bee mums' kids. Moved to a small CofE school and DD is much happier already.

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 13:32

@coffeewithcheese it's such early days but my instinct is it does have potential to be like this.

It's hard to know though if I'm overplaying certain things, e.g. at her last school if a new child joined the school the parents would go out of their way to welcome the new parents on the whatsapp group, in the playground etc. I've basically been ignored at this school despite really trying to reach out.

I'm also conscious that my issue isn't actually with the school itself - her teacher seems lovely and we've only had positive experiences with the staff overall (communication with the office is a bit dodgy but I suppose that isn't a deal breaker).

I should also say that DH and I really disagree on the approach. I think we should move her ASAP, he thinks we should stick it out and give it more of a chance but I'm just worried it won't get better.

I'm sorry your DD had a rough time and glad she is happier at her new school

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Shitfuckcommaetc · 07/09/2021 14:35

I just think 3 days isn't enough time! She needs to settle, learn the routine of a new school, new teacher and new kids.
Give it some time!

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 14:45

You're right of course - it is SUCH early days. I just worry that a later move would be more disruptive and my initial reaction isn't positive.

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HawksAreRed · 07/09/2021 14:52

I think your expectations of the other parents and children seem quite high.

I probably wouldn't introduce myself and make a big fuss of meeting someone new to my DC class. With my younger son (yr2) I barely know most of the parents due to Covid and have no idea on who is who. However I'm still a nice person.

I would wait personally. That's a lot of change in a very small amount of time.

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 15:01

@hawksarered you are probably right. It's just got a very cliquey vibe, I can't really explain it. I am quite possibly being unfair.

It doesn't help that her previous school really was very welcoming to new parents and I'm missing that very much.

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Annasgirl · 07/09/2021 15:08

OP, my friend moved to a new area like you and her DS started at the local school. She knew instantly that it was wrong. She moved him after 3 days. He thrived in his new school. You should always trust your gut.

I personally believe there has been too much influence in society of the ‘suck it up’ mentality- I think the greatest gift we give ourselves is the ability to say, this is wrong, I need to change it. Not this is wrong, I better stick it out.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 07/09/2021 15:15

Trust your instincts. Always.

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 15:58

@annasgirl that's exactly my situation then! Ah it's so hard to know what to do for the best.

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EverydayCook · 07/09/2021 16:11

In the nicest possible way...it's day three. Your daughter is 5, and the one girl she played with might just be socially awkward (or not very nice). It's a lot to base such a big decision on.

I'm going to go against the grain and say it could be a frying pan/fire situation if you knee jerk and remove her. What if you discover something you don't like about the new school? I was bullied mercilessly at my idyllic C of E School because it was so small and there were so few kids I didn't have many alternatives of who to play with. The grass isn't always greener.

It will take her a while to adjust. Be aware of how much your own fears and insecurities will be visible to her. Try and be confident and stick it out for a couple of weeks at least - see if you can identify another friend to invite. I'm sure they won't all be like that!

EverydayCook · 07/09/2021 16:15

Also, another way of saying cliquey is "everyone already knows each other", which of course they will, as they've had a whole Reception year to bond. MN is full of talk of vile cliques, where in real life the situation is often that people have formed friendships, are doing their best, are busy and self involved, and the new person will have to make the effort to break in and make connections. It can be done, and frequently is!

viques · 07/09/2021 16:18

If the other school is a one class entry they probably don’t have many places coming up . If you hesitate you could lose it.

This early on I would be inclined to go with your instincts and take the new place , with the determination to make it work.

One thing I would say is to hold off the play dates for the moment, wait to see who she talks about , then in a few weeks ask a child and parent to come to tea in a cafe after school, or maybe join her up to some local activities so that she is having social times but without 1-1 pressure.

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 17:47

@everydaycook thank you for the honest feedback!

It isn't just the one playdate - although that did feel like a huge red flag - it's an ongoing worry really.

Re: the cliques. Honestly I would usually agree with this - and generally I do tend to fit in with new groups quite easily - but this school has thrown me a bit. I really feel like I don't fit in there. The other mothers all seem to be a certain "type". Maybe in my eagerness to fit in I have scared them all off by being too keen

Equally though, I agree I really haven't given this school much of a chance and need to give it more time.

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Contentedpiggy · 07/09/2021 17:54

Go with your gut feeling - I like the sound of the nurturing school. My children went to a good rather than an outstanding primary but we chose it for the lovely feel and it did us proud - I have happy settled teens who made the transition to secondary beautifully.

spartanthehorse · 07/09/2021 18:10

I would give it a bit longer I think. It's hard for everyone starting somewhere new and takes time to adapt to the changes. My son is in year 1 and they really don't seem to have formed close friendships or cliques, they still seem to be at the age where they play with anyone and are pretty inclusive. My son's school is also in a very affluent area with a few cliquey mum types so I do understand your reservations though.

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 18:18

@spartanthehorse maybe we are in the same area

It's reassuring to hear though that friendships are still fluid at this age. That's really what I was hoping.

@viques I think that's good advice on the playdates. I really thought they might be the key to settling in and I was so hopeful that the one we had planned would be a success. I think I was more disappointed than she was when it didn't go well! Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on the whole situation.

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Bubbean · 07/09/2021 19:02

I would also add go with your gut. An ‘outstanding’ school sounds like it must be ‘right’ but it might not be right for you and your family. I speak from experience. We plumped for the local outstanding school even though I felt uneasy looking round, I doubted my instinct. My son was very unhappy there and I wish I had sent him to the ‘good’ school around the corner that was less about pushing academics and more about nurture. We made a move across the country and my son is now in a genuinely nurturing school and is thriving. Oh and the motherland clique vibe… I get that too! Even the deputy head said to me when we first joined ‘Make sure you make some nice normal friends … not like this lot!’ (In reference to the other parents!)
Even she could see I didn’t quite fit!

Original poster

SchooldilemmasY1 · 07/09/2021 20:52

I don't feel right at all about the school but have had a long chat with DH tonight and he really feels strongly we shouldn't move her unless there's a really good reason. And while she isn't over the moon about the new school, she isn't hating it either - we haven't had any tears or saying she doesn't want to go in etc.

So it looks like we might be sticking where we are for a little longer before making a decision...

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Nat6999 · 08/09/2021 02:22

Move her, ds was in a very cliquie primary school, most of the children & parents knew each other from church, we were the only non Catholic family in the one class per year entry & we were virtually ignored from day one & it got worse when I left my husband. It still affects ds now & he is 17. I wish I had moved him instead of making him stick it out. You know your dd, primary school is a long time to not fit in.

Autumnally · 08/09/2021 03:31

Difficult. You could be describing our school OP (except ours is CofE so you’re not). And in our school it varies by year group too. One of my children is in a year with awfully cliquey parents and the class WhatsApp is an awful hostile place controlled by a queen bee. My other child’s group has a totally different vibe, where parents are just lovely and supportive. I know more children in the cliquey group just mostly because of the pandemic, but every time I go to pick up my younger child some other lovely new person chats to me. Whereas I do my best to avoid at least half the parents in DC1s class.

To complete the motherland vibe and if it helps, I’m full Julia Johnson.

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