4 year old crying at school drop off separation anxiety?

[Humptydumpty85]

My lovely little (just turned) 4 year old is a sensitive soul, quite clingy, cries easily and her confidence is easily knocked. She initially settled into school nursery well and seemed to have a good little group of friends, but since returning after the last lock down seems less settled.

In the past few weeks we've had tears at drop off (also for her childminder so not just school) and she's started needing to wee constantly. Dr ruled out infection and suggested anxiety, it's stopped at home now but is still happening when she's away from me. She's had several wetting accidents in school over the last week - she's never had an accident since coming out of nappies at 2 so this is out of character.

I'm at my wits end now seeing her unhappy every morning now with tears in the run up to school, at drop off and constant emotional behaviour in the evenings. I've emailed the school who say she normally settles quickly once there (although her day today didn't sound settled at all) and is generally happy.

Do you think this is just a separation anxiety phase and we just need to wait it out? Or is there something more I should be doing to help her? I've tried everything I can think of with no luck so far or can anyone relate just to make me feel a bit less stressed?

Sorry to hear this is happening to your little girl, I know how heartbreaking it is.

Not sure if this will help you but I’ll tell you what happened to us recently.

My daughter is 3.5 and very sensitive albeit also very social too. I’ve had a similar situation at her nursery recently and after a couple of weeks I asked for a meeting at nursery and it was the saving grace. I told them a extensively about her sensibilities and her hyper awareness of things. It was brilliant because they adjusted their behaviour towards her (not exactly sure how) and in a matter of days she was happy going in. Most days she would prefer staying home if given an option tho 😆.

What I think was happening was that she was getting on the carers nerves sort of speak, and they weren’t having the patience and to be more precise the empathy towards her sensibilities. After my conversation with them they saw her through a different angle and I think became more loving and understanding of her.

Poor girl- she certainly sounds quite sad and anxious about something.

Could she be worrying about starting school in September? I wonder whether nursery have been talking to them about it and she's finding the whole idea very big and scary and this is how it is manifesting. DS1 went through a phase of night-waking the summer before he started school- worrying about things always impacts his sleep!

Don't underestimate the impact of the pandemic here either, not just in terms of starting school but in general. If she is only just 4, Covid is probably all she has conscious memory of. Her life has been dominated by all the confusion of starting nursery, then stopping with lockdown, then starting then stopping. Her world has also been pretty small, I would imagine than it would have been pre-Covid: mixing with fewer people and having fewer new experiences. This is all bound to have an impact on her (and her peer group).

@Akoulina I'm so glad you got things sorted for your little one, she sounds very similar to my daughter! I have emailed the school, and the reply was very thorough but did seem to be lacking in empathy to me - to be fair that could just be because tone etc is often lost over email though. I hope that they will have given her some extra reassurance and patience today!

@FurryGiraffe I'm not sure if they've been talking about the move to reception, definitely possible. If I ask her what's wrong she just says she misses me but there must be some reason that she's suddenly feeling so lost without me - I'm not even sure if she really knows what it is though! Thanks for replying.

I’d still say If you can do try to speak with them in person, I also think things get lost in ‘translation’ by email - certain tones misinterpret or assumed etc. I was having cold responses from our nursery by email, quite matter of fact type of replies. While face to face it’s quite difficult not to be empathetic, especially during a pandemic!

Best of luck with your little one, not only with nursery but also with the change going into ‘big school’!

Op, do you have any transition toys? Like you both have a fav doll or toy to look after, braclet, badge, heart drawn in her arm, lego person, etc. So she takes it into class and can go to it if she feels sad/misses you, and you have one so you don’t forget her (often kids worry we will do that! 😂). May help with separation.
Meeting with school, different handover, getting TA to collect her and walk with her eg,
Good luck

@Akoulina yes, the replies are thorough but very matter of fact!! I thi k you're right and it maybe better speaking in person - tricky at the moment as no one is allowed in the school, but even a video call might be better. Think I'll push for this if things don't improve.

@Ilovethewild as if we could forget these little trouble makers! 😂 I've tried the heart on both our arms, and a band around the wrist. She says that does help a little through the day, but once she's upset at drop off it's forgotten unfortunately. It's just all very frustrating as she used to be just fine and now even cries when I drop her off to her lovely childminder (or when she collects her from nursery) as she's been with her since she was 1 year old and loves it there!

Thanks for all of your replies. I'm really hoping it's just a phase that will pass, but I worry even if there's no underlying issue it may just become a habit. Would just love to drop her off smiling and not spend all day worrying about her!!

Since I last posted things just seem to be getting worse with dd - she's tearful when with the childminder, (I'm pretty sure tearful in school although they don't really tell me anything) crying at drop of and handover every day she's also cried a few times in the evenings telling me she doesn't want to go to reception. There's no induction/transition this year which isn't going to help! Can anyone give any advise on what sort of support I should expect from the school here? I don't seem to be getting any and I'm not sure if I should be pushing them, and if so what for?

Any update ? My four year old is the same