Child anxious re starting reception

[Dandelionstem]

Hi,

I have a lovely 4 year old DS who is in some ways fiercely independent and definitely academically ready for school (he can read short sentences, very simple addition and subtraction, not so keen on writing however!) Recently he has been quite emotional and having tantrums over things he wouldn’t normally be bothered about. He’s also taking ages to get to sleep and waking up earlier than usual. I had a chat with him today and he said he’s worried about starting school

He was a very anxious, clingy baby but opened up when he was about 3 and goes to nursery. He separates ok from me but does sometimes say he doesn’t want to go and has had a couple of morning meltdowns about going. When I pick him up he usually seems happy enough. I work so he’s used to being with Dad and extended family without me but at the moment I’m on mat leave (which maybe isn’t helping).

A while ago he was hit (separate incidents) by two of the boys who will be in his class and I think this did affect his confidence although he hasn’t told me about anything else happening. He’s not into rough, boisterous play and tends to get on with girls more.

What should I do? I feel that everyone asking him about school all the time is just getting too much- relatives and even neighbours ‘ooh are you excited’ etc. The induction day is cancelled due to covid and I haven’t even been into the school yet.

Do books help or should I just leave it and hope the anxiety wanes before he starts?

He is only 4. I'm sure it's not only your ds who is anxious.
Don't show him your worry. Be positive and talk about all the fun things that happens at school. He will make lots of new friends. He will learn lots of things.

My DS was very anxious before starting school, leaving it wouldn't have helped. If you ask, can you find out a bit more about which bits are making him anxious - for example is it meeting new people, meeting the teacher, not knowing how lunch will work, how drop off with work etc etc?

If you can get enough of what's worrying him articulated to get a list of questions out of him, I'm wondering if it would be worth emailing the school and seeing if they can help answer them for you. We did this with my DS with a mid year school move in year 1 and it really helped. For what it's worth, my DS's worries were mainly practical (how will I know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to do) rather than about the academic side.

The other thing that recently helped him was having uniform to try on - somehow being able to practice dressing helped make it feel more real. Even if you can't go to the school could you walk past at lunchtime so he can hear / peer through the fence?

DD is starting school and we are aiming to do park playdates as a class to meet. Is there a new parents meeting (even if via zoom) you might be able to swap numbers at to set something similar up?

His anxiety is around the other children I think. He has some nice friends who are going and seems ok at nursery but definitely prefers smaller groups / one to one. We can hear them playing in the playground and I think it’s the noise etc. I actually think he’d be fine once he’s there but it’s the anticipation he’s almost built it up to be worse than it is.

But yes @CrabbyCat I will ask about lunch etc. It’s not helpful that usually they would have been on a little trip for lunch / have seen the nativity whilst at nursery but all cancelled due to covid.

My DD is anxious OP. People are very dismissive I find ‘oh they’ll be fine’ ‘tell them not to worry’ & on here, I find a lot of ‘oh they don’t need induction, it’s not important’

Bear in mind, all these commentators had perfectly normal starts to school for their kids. Ours are coming out the back of 20 months of a pandemic where life has been thrown upside down & now anything that may have eased anxiety has been cancelled. Yet as parents, we are expected to just shrug & brush aside our children’s worries. About everything I find. Pandemic & isolation ‘ahh kids are resilient, they’ll be fine’.. long term, I’m sure they will but right now, it’s impacted my kids life.

I decided I wasn’t just leaving it. When our school cancelled everything last week, I emailed them & explained how anxious my DD is and a couple concerns we have about her (nothing major but again, right now to her it’s a big deal). They were lovely & very apologetic. We are going for an after school look around in a couple weeks. No kids but DD will meet her teacher (outdoors) & see the classroom & lunch hall etc. I can’t tell you the difference this will make to her & the next couple months. Obviously, still some nerves I’m sure but it’s the unknown & the build up. She needs that little bit of knowing where she’ll be going, who will be the grown ups etc to not overthink. Maybe give it a go OP? And never be afraid to stand up for your child & their very real emotions. They feel them just as much as we do as adults.

@Bobholll

Thank you. I will email the school.

You are right, he is a worrier and I think it would be helpful for him to see it as a (hopefully) none scary place.

I do think he’s most anxious about the large numbers of children though. It’s hard to allay his concerns as I haven’t even been in so I can’t explain things very well to him and don’t want to be inaccurate in what I say.

Did you read books about starting school or just leave it for a bit?

We didn't read books about starting school, I'm not sure which ones you are talking about, but stories we've had our the library are so fictionalised I'm not sure they'd be helpful. However, you might be able to find videos of typical reception classes on YouTube - e.g. doing phonics lessons as a group, if you think that would help? (I ran across several while homeschooling reception last year).

I think teachers are well aware of the disrupted start due to the pandemic. When mine started last year, they said they would be recapping activity from nursery as they knew there would be areas the children might be behind socially. What I found is that my daughter actually very rarely seemed to be in a big group of 30. She did that for teaching time but the bulk of the time
She seemed to be in smaller groups doing activities.

Have they said much about transition yet? We had 2 weeks where they split the group in half so it was smaller and the teachers could get to know them. Logistically a pain but a more gentle transition to a bigger group.

Hey OP. There's a good Topsy and Tim about starting school. Can you arrange play dates with some of the others who'll be in his class?

My daughter was similar —and in fact stopped speaking at all for a while in the run up to school, except to us / her nursery teachers. They advised us to completely stop mentioning school, not to talk about it in front of her, not to let other people talk about it, not to read books etc and completely play it down. This helped a lot and her anxiety reduced (not completely but mostly). The week she was starting I did talk about a few things casually eg it might seem noisy at first...
once she started she was fine. The run up was much worse

Hi, he’s had a few play dates with one or two of the other children joining. He’s ok on a one to one or in a small group but anxious about the mass gathering of children I think, one boy in particular is very boisterous.

Im glad to hear the run up was worse than the reality! It’s a long way off still for a 4 year old!

Hello, apologies if there is a similar thread out there - I couldn’t find one.. and desperate for some advice!

My almost 4 year old son (bday in 3 weeks).. has been going to his outdoor nursery since he was just over 2. He always went in easily - never any tears… although he did used to stand and observe and seem extremely quiet around everyone, even months in.
Over the past year the nursery have split the group of 30 children into 2 smaller ‘bubbles’. Last summer when this happened my son came to life and began to love going in…he asked to go full time (he was on 2 days and we moved up to 3 - days are 9-3pm), and loves his group of 10 friends.
A few weeks ago the nursery decided to join the two groups back together in the afternoon for 2 hours everyday. We didn’t know about this (the email had gone to junk folder sadly)… my son was horrified and I understood he didn’t speak or leave the teachers side all afternoon- even though he sees the children across the grass and at pickup. The following day the teacher offered for him to have quiet time with books on his own while the groups joined together but it just got worse.
He is now refusing to go in - even for the morning, and in spite of the fact the nursery have stopped the bubbles mixing in the afternoon this week (due to the delta variant), he won’t even go in with his friends for 5 minutes even though he says he wants to. He says he doesn’t know why he can’t poor thing. There seems to be a stubborn block in his emotions making him want to avoid the whole situation altogether.
We generally follow parenting advice from Laura Markham and Tina Payne Bryson - and tried to find easy ways to untangle his feelings and label them for him - and then move on to helping him find a way to try again. With the groups no longer mixing we assumed it would make things easier but he is completely frozen and can’t get back through the gates.
In spite of the current situation the nursery have even offered for me to walk him in and sit there while he plays.. we have discussed all his happy memories and what exciting projects his friends are doing, and he says it was one bad day- but we can’t seem to help him be brave and try again.
I don’t want to give in and bring him home as I don’t think that will help by encouraging him to avoid his fear.. so we stay by or in the car until the ‘lunch’ time and go home. He is struggling and honestly so am I - I desperately want to help him. With school starting in September I want to help him build confidence in himself and help with emotions - does anyone have any advice?? Has anyone experienced this?
I have seen lots of children crying and parents having to leave them and walk away at younger ages which I can completely understand and envisage experiencing with my younger daughter when she starts- but at my sons age I want to help him understand things as he is capable and refusing to go near the gates - I don’t want to damage his trust by forcing him and not listen to him when he tells me and trusts me with that. He’s obviously very conflicted and scared and frozen around it - I would be so grateful for any advice..
I think this could be an inherited social anxiety tendency in part - giving him the right skills feels so important so he can learn to manage it - would anyone recommend a behavioural specialist or any tips? Thank you very much in advance! Xx

We read Starting School by Janet Ahlberg loads before my son started school. It’s as old as the hills (I’m sure I remember it from when I was a kid) but he seemed to like it. There’s a topsy and Tim episode about first day at school too (and a book).

My son was also very anxious, even though he had the induction day he refused to leave my side at it, so I was dreading his first day. We also had various other concerns, but he he and his friend from nursery went in together holding hands (we had arranged to meet them outside the school) and he was fine.

My daughter's also very anxious about this, also 4. The book The Invisible String seems to help her a little. All about how even if you cant see your loved one you're still connected to them by an invisible string.

@Coldilox

This is music to my ears! I hope mine is ok on the day. We have stopped mentioning it for now but will try those books over summer x