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One child not invited to the party

48 replies

Ellie2015 · 17/06/2021 13:06

Hi ya

Some of you may remember we had a fall off with one family over mine and their girls friendship issues. When I tried to speak to the mother, surprisingly it was fine during the talk but afterwards they completely stopped talking to us. So whole one year they have not spoken to us which was not just shocking but also hurting in many ways as our kids go to same classes outside school. The girl has been naughty to my girl (oldest and mine is one the youngest) and been picking on her, sometimes would just not talk to her or will stop playing if my LG joined in. One day when my LG said ‘she hates me’, this was the deal breaker and I spoke to the teachers. Things improved slightly since then. But parents will still not speak to us. There has been two class girls parties after lockdown eased and two girls have been together but parents wouldn’t buzz or make any attempts at talking. I once made the attempt and dad responded by waving but later when he came with his wife he pretended as if I didn’t exist and stopped talking again.

We will also have a party at ours and all girls are invited. I feel this would be such a game for the girl to be not invited because of her parents. I know she is still not nice to my LG but I still feel it may affect her being only child not being invited.

What would you do if you were me?

Please no nasty answers or judgements.

Anyone happy to talk this through would also be helpful. Thank you xx

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roguetomato · 20/06/2021 07:07

If you are inviting all girls, I think you need to invite her too. Otherwise you will look like a bully.
But in this circumstance, I would just let my dc invite few close friends instead of all so not inviting this particular girl doesn't matter.

Anotherhill · 20/06/2021 07:18

I don’t see why other children should miss out just so you can getaway with not inviting the bully. I would have 6 years old as my cut off for inviting them.

Clickbait · 20/06/2021 07:23

It's not right to leave out just one girl and it won't help the situation going forward. Either invite her or have a smaller party.

couchparsnip · 20/06/2021 07:41

I would invite and take the chance. They are unlikely to accept the invitation anyway surely.
Then you are being inclusive and they are being petty.

ittakes2 · 20/06/2021 07:41

I used to think like this when my kids were younger - I would try and be inclusive and invite everyone. But as my children got older I realised this was a mistake and it was more important to teach my kids they don't have to have a friendship with someone who is not nice to them for the sake of the other child's feelings. It was mumsnet that made me realise I was ignoring my own child's feelings on their birthday for the sake of another child's feelings. If this child was nice to your child and friends with them - by all means invite them despite their parents being twats - but since this child is not nice to them - no way invite them to your child's party. Why should their bullying behaviour be rewarded with a party invite? There is a chance they could ruin the party for your child if they are mean to your child at the party - and for why? So they don't feel bad they were left out? They need to know their actions have consquences and the consquences is they are left out.

ittakes2 · 20/06/2021 07:47

OP can I just add - I was that parent that would take the higher moral ground and my children got bullied when they were older. I got professional parenting advice - kids need to be taught to define their boundaries on how they want to be treated. They need to be taught to find their voice on what is OK and what is not OK. I was too busy trying to do the right kind thing and what ended up happening was my poor kids became the children who did not say anything if they were getting picked on and the bullying esculated. This party is not about you - as an adult you can manage a bully if you want to invite them to your own party - but your child needs to know you are on their side and don't invite someone to their party just because you want to be seen to be inclusive. Of course, there is a totally different side to things if your child says they want them invited - but please don't encourage them to think they should invite them because its the right thing to do because its not if the other child is repeatedly being horrible to them and your child does not want them there.

BlueLu · 20/06/2021 08:20

Can't understand all the people saying this is tough or they would invite the girl.

My DS had trouble with the same kid since they were 2 years old at 5 we just cut that family and kid out of all invites and we don't speak at school gates. There are only 7 boys in the class so it's screamingly obvious but my DS comes first way way above the feelings of a bully who was causing him distress. They are now 10 and the boy is still causing trouble and starting fights. Sometimes they don't grow out of shitty behavior, don't teach your DD she should put up with it.

Emma2021 · 20/06/2021 08:52

Easier said than done but bite the bullet, move on. Yes it hursts makes you feel awful/etc but need to move on. Its awful for you, worse for your kids, awful for your family but if they don't like you/family not a lot more you can do other than to remain a polite, say hi and nothing more. They may even ignore the hello/etc but not a lot you can do about it so best to avoid. As i said easier done that said and it is not nice at all for you kids/you/family other than move schools.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 20/06/2021 09:34

I'd invite her for purely pragmatic reasons. Either she won't come or it might be a chance to kill with kindness and mend the rift. Not inviting her is likely to cement their conflict.

However, if she's mean to your DC, after a couple of warnings I'd be asking her parents to pick her up early.

Ellie2015 · 21/06/2021 00:10

Thank you all for your non judgemental comments and advice. My heart reaches out to those whose kids have gone through such bully’s and difficult friendships. Thank you for sharing your experiences and learning lessons- an eye opener for me tbh.

Ps: the girls are only in reception year! Can we see frank bullying at this stage? Probably not...

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PacificOcean · 21/06/2021 08:57

Ok so for a reception age child I would definitely include her. It sounds like the issue is more with the parents than the child.

UserAtRandom · 21/06/2021 09:09

If they are only Reception age I'd definitely invite her. It's likely to be lack of maturity rather than targeted bullying at this age. A bit like the child that goes through a phase of biting everyone at nursery.

I wouldn't be surprised if the 2 girls actually get on quite well a lot of the time.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 21/06/2021 09:47

@UserAtRandom

If they are only Reception age I'd definitely invite her. It's likely to be lack of maturity rather than targeted bullying at this age. A bit like the child that goes through a phase of biting everyone at nursery.

I wouldn't be surprised if the 2 girls actually get on quite well a lot of the time.

I would definitely agree with this. Unless the teacher has made you aware there is a significant issue, this may be more likely to be i sufficiently developed social skills and boundaries than anything more sinister.
Ellie2015 · 21/06/2021 09:53

Ok invite sent and the response: their LG has another birthday party to attend on same day, will try and send their LG if anything changes! Advance wishes for my LG to have a good party!

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Lunificent · 21/06/2021 09:57

It’s a good outcome. You’ve attempted to include her and she probably won’t come so no drama.

Honeyroar · 21/06/2021 10:03

That’s the best scenario- you’ve been polite in inviting them, they were polite in the way they declined. Nobody feels left out, it might calm relations for the future..

Clickbait · 21/06/2021 10:15

Good outcome OP.

cleocleo16 · 21/06/2021 10:30

I wouldn't invite all the girls in the class except her. I would say she can have a group of friends and to pick some and then it's less obvious

Ellie2015 · 21/06/2021 13:44

Does it speak to you that they still don’t want to reconcile or is it just me?

Also I do need to know the head count for Covid rules as we are nearly 30 already! Not sure how if I should respond...99% she isn’t gonna attend...but equally I don’t want her to pitch up at last minute when we are already 30...any thoughts?

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timeisnotaline · 21/06/2021 13:48

Good outcome, you don’t exclude a reception child. I would regard numbers as out of control (although did you invite extra after people said they couldn’t come to still be at max with some people unable to come?)

Ellie2015 · 21/06/2021 13:55

sorry I am not with you, can you please make it clear? How do I regard numbers out of control? Don’t we need to control the numbers to max 30? Sorry that’s what I understood as per latest rules. Did I get that wrong?!

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SingingInTheShithouse · 21/06/2021 14:00

I've been in your situation or very similar & DID invite the ex friend of DD who was becoming a bully

I lived to regret it big time as the bullying escalated, was incredibly sneaky & this girl actually went out of her way to ruin DDs birthday & behaved so badly I rang her parents half way through & handed her back

Ellie2015 · 21/06/2021 20:40

Oh my Lord that sounds horrible! So sorry and thanks for sharing...really such a pain in a** to find people like these...they are generally not happy themselves and are jealous of others happiness therefore try and ruin stuffs for others :/ disgusting honestly

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