Refusing to go to school

[Chasanddive]

My 10 year old son is refusing to go to school most mornings. He was sitting in the car crying yesterday. It’s very stressful as I go straight to work after dropping him off. I’m usually crying as I drive away. He’s saying nothings wrong. I said I can’t help you if you won’t tell me. It’s so frustrating. He dosent like his teacher also. What do I do?

Ah, that sounds really difficult for you both.

What do the school say about it?

Can you and the school both have a chat with him to see what he can tell you about why he doesn't like school? There are so many things that could be going on, it needs to be unpicked. I am an education welfare officer and we work with children with emotional based school refusal, it can be very complex but at primary age it can often be addressed relatively easily. If it has come out of the blue then I would consider the possibility something has happened, if this has been more of a slow burn and he is an anxious child in general it may be less than there has been a specific trigger. In the past year we have seen hugely increased numbers of children developing anxiety around school.

I would start by a conversation with him in a safe space, and a chat with school. Good luck xxx

Talk to school about what they can put in place to help - arriving a little earlier or later than other kids, being met by a trusted adult, having a calm space to go to for 10 mins before going to class. Can the home school link worker/pastoral/ELSA (different names in different areas) do a few sessions with him.
If he can’t go in and he’s crying then something is wrong and he just can’t articulate what it is (or doesn’t want to tell you for some reason)
You need to try to get to the bottom of it whilst working with school to put some accommodations in place in the meantime
Good luck!
My anxious 10yr old has been on a part time timetable since March and is still only able to do a couple of hours a day...it’s really hard as a working parent but his mental health was so bad I had no choice. So my advice would be to try and resolve it ASAP as once you get to total inability to attend it’s very hard to come back....

Thanks for all your advice. It’s so frustrating as he’s adamant that there is nothing wrong. But then he sits in the car outside the school saying he has a sore stomach. I’m going to make an appointment with the school on Monday. Have a chat and see what we can do. He used to go in no bother. He’s a quiet timid boy. Most of his class are girls, with big loud personalities. So I think he gets swallowed up. 25 girls/ 7 boys, in his class. I totally dread the high school now 😫

I had the exact same problem with my ds at that age, he would sit in the car and point blank refuse to budge, we would have teachers and even sometimes the head come out to try to persuade him in the school. He often wouldn’t get in till at least 10am. It was an absolute nightmare and continued at secondary school. He is 15 now and is much better, In fact he is now the opposite, brash and bolshy and often getting in trouble with his teachers for being loud!
I would definitely get the school on board ASAP and ask for help. I didn’t get much help from the primary or secondary school and had to get ds some counselling outside of school for his anxiety, it really helped him.

Ask the school for help. Hopefully they can address some of the reasons for his anxiety and offer you advice. We’ve had some tricky school refusers where I work - our head teacher comes to collect them when parents really struggle.

Thanks very much for your comments. I think it’s time to ask for help. He was sick last Sunday, then on the Tuesday totally refused to go back. He eventually went in on Wednesday there. Luckily my sister was off work then my mum and dad had him for a day. I don’t like asking my parents because they are in their 70s and covid. He dislikes his teacher, but we have spoken to her months ago as he said she keeps shouting at him for not understanding the work. But he’s not telling us anything, if that’s the problem. Yes I think the head teacher is the next stage. My nerves are in shatters every morning. It’s horrible. He just keeps saying he hates school? Aaaah

Pinkblueberry
Now I like that idea, the headteacher is welcome to collect him in the morning