playdates what am I doing wrong

[shouldbeironing]

Okay I officially hate playdates. Need help.

DD1 loves child A, have invited child A around several times in past 15 months. (DD1 in Yr 1 now). Have invited at least once if not twice per term. DD1 has been invited back only once and that was two terms ago. Am hurt on DD's behalf - DD is very sweet and A seems to get on with her just fine. A's mum is SAHM and asks other children back.
DD1 wants to invite A again - I am almost embarrassed to do this? As an adult I can take the hint but what do I say to DD?

Am also trying to arrange other "playdates" for DD but these are with children she doesnt know so well - so I could really use suggestions as to what to do to encourage them to play/interact together. Otherwise we have awkward situation where guest child wanders off on her own or asks "when is my mum coming" or plays with my other DD. These 2.5 hours can seem very long....

Would love to drop these events altogether but need to get DD to branch out a bit more socially - she is very shy - and I have been advised to get her to ask them round on "one to one" basis.

See I wouldn't invite them around one on one, for a couple of times I would invite them around in groups of four ie three girls and your DD, and make it for a two hour max. Encourage them to interact by sitting them at the kitchen table and dumping a load of gluing and sticking stuff in front of them hopefully it will work for your dd like it did for me. I did this every third thursday for a year, it was a major pain in the arse, but it worked, also I (yes I did say I) invited a different combination of girls every time, and we always had a structured activity as well as play time and food. God I sound controling, but I swear it worked.

playdates are not tit for tat and I think that's where you're going wrong

the face that you comment on A's mother being a SAHM, makes me think you might not be a SAHM .. perhaps A's mother has got in a rutt with the same people .. perhaps there are parental friendships in play here .. perhaps she doesn't let DD determine who is coming back but asks the kids who's parents she knows and can have a laugh with

I would say DS gets one playdate invitation for every 6 we give but then we do loads and loads and we live very close to school so our house is easy stop-off

give playdates because your child would like other child to play not because you expect it in return

well, it's not that I invite somone and therefore expect ds to be invited back. It's just that ds gets dissapointed as he likes to go and play in someone's else house.
Am a bit in the same situation as OP. Well, not quite because I often do invite someone to come but more often than not they are "too busy". (yes, I know, they can genuinnly be busy but I have seen them accpet invitations AFTER they declined my invitation.

My ds doesn't get invited back that often, to be honest I don;t mind, people lead stressful lives as it is, I really wouldn't worry, we invite kids round because we like it and ds likes it, I really don't expect anything back. Kids come and entertain my ds, what's not to like?. Carry on inviting and enjoy it, let your kids enjoy the playdate, (just the word makes me cringe, but anyway), and don't read anything into them. We really stress too much about this stuff, no need. Very repetitive, sorry.

Just to clear up - I wasnt trying to imply anything by saying the other mum was a SAHM (I am SAHM too btw) except I thought people might suggest that the other mum might be working or something so unable to invite DD back, hence I explained mum was not working, and was inviting others around.

Will continue to invite A around despite gut feeling that we ought to be "getting a message" from lack of reciprocal invite.

Okay I havent said this before as wasnt sure if I should put in OP, but DD has mild special needs (physical co-ordination problems) so I guess I am quite protective and also wondering if this has put the other mum off and even if other mum wants to discourage friendship with my DD.

DD is self conscious of her problems and hence me trying to get people around.

I know its not all about tit for tat but as far as I know where we are most mums do invite back if they can - maybe not on an exact basis but if someone is invited 10 or more times is it not uncomfortable if not invited back more than once? Am I really feeling uneasy for no reason.

The "too busy" excuse would also make me uneasy if used too often (if only used once I really would accept at face value and try again later) so I understand what you mean Madness. Maybe we need thicker skin.

My tendency is to always think the best of people, so unless you have proof that other mum is put off by your dd's mild sp needs, I would try to think that is not the case.

Carry on inviting, if your dd is disappointed that she is not going to the other girl's house, then explain that people have busy lives, stress, goodness what else, a bit of disappointment in life is good anyway for all of our kids, cannot always get what we want. Don;t give up. I only stop inviting kids if they are awfully behaved and a pain in the arse! That I cannot bear.

And sometimes mums accept other mums' invitations after declining the first one, maybe because they know the mum socially, they have things in common, it is easy to do the pick up, blah, blah.

agree with Twiglett (of course)

Although I have to say that DS1 has been to one friend's house 3 times now and I have not invited said friend back because she is quite naughty and very rude and I don't really want her in my house actually.

Not saying that this other mum doesn't want your DD round but, as the others have said, maybe she's just got other things going on.

I really would try not to worry about it

When DD was that age we usually spent some of the playdate time with an activity like making/icing fairy cakes. As she got older and knows the visitors better, this isn't needed any more.

Could you invite the other mum around for a cuppa before pick-up time? Might help to get to know each other better.