DD2 missing out all the time

[LeopardPJS]

Hi all,
Can anyone advise me on how to better balance the competing demands of a very sensitive 3 yr old and baby?
I have DD1 aged 3 and a half, and DD2 aged 13 months.
At the moment I feel DD1 completely monopolises my attention when I have both of them together. She is incredibly verbal/ chatty and but is much less developed socially and emotionally: she can be very sensitive and emotional and highly strung - prone to meltdowns - not naughty exactly but struggles to manage her emotions. Her behaviour is generally lovely IF she feels listened to and engaged with but what that means in practice is me being constantly mentally focused on her (mummy can you tell a story, can you tell me about x and y, can you explain etc etc)
Obviously I love that she is like this and she wants to talk all the time, and it was fine and indeed rather lovely before DD2 came along. However now I feel that it’s becoming problematic!
DD2 is a very chilled one year old but I feel that because of that - and because of how DD1 is - she barely gets a look in from me all day. I feel like I service her basic needs (food nappies etc) but have so little time for eye contact, playing, engaging with her because the older one is constantly talking to me and I can’t just ignore her (to stress DD1 is not being naughty, just very demanding).
It makes me so sad that I have so little time to for DD2. I sometimes feel I’m missing out on being a mum/ having a ‘baby’ this time round. Recently when I have held her she has been putting arms out for Daddy rather than me (something DD1 NEVER did!) and I’ve now convinced myself our bond is not what it should be. But I just don’t know how to manage this to make things more even. Has anyone experienced this / got any tips?

I think that this is very normal and very common. Most 3yr olds are very demanding! My youngest definitely took a back seat at similar ages.
I would try not to worry too much about the effects on her, remember she is getting a lot of stimulation from watching and interacting with her sibling that your eldest didn’t get.
It’s also very common for babies to appear to have a preference for one parent or another, this generally changes and forays in phases. I’m sure your bond with your youngest is just fine.
A few thoughts for addressing this-
Does the eldest attend nursery or preschool as this would give you one to one with the baby ( this may not be possible right now but when restrictions end??)
Does your DH ever take the eldest off on her own?
I would try not to worry too much, by the time your youngest is old enough to feel put out the eldest will be at school and then she’ll be the demanding 3 yr old!!

Thanks so much for the reply and the useful advice. I’m glad you think this is normal!
Yes they do both go to a lovely nursery/preschool on the three days I work. I was actually considering upping DD1’s days to Monday to Friday so I can have a bit of one on one time with the baby, had previously felt too guilty about the idea of only having one on one time with one child to do this but now think I will just go for it! DD1 loves preschool anyway and she is going to school in September so it wouldn’t be the worst thing for her to get used to going Monday to Friday. Thanks so much again for the help!

I agree that this is really normal for younger siblings. I have three DC, and the eldest definitely got the most attention as a baby / toddler. It's hard to avoid!

I agree with op about DH and DD1 having some time together at weekends while you spend time with the baby.

Also, remember it is swings and roundabouts in some ways. My youngest is now 11yo and now gets more of my attention than the older two did at his age! They're typical teenagers who spend a lot of time in their rooms etc, whereas when they were this age I was juggling the demands of three primary age children.

My eldest wasn't as emotionally demanding as yours seems to be, but he was very physically active and I spent all my time running around after him to make sure he was safe while DC2 basically sat in her bouncy chair and watched!

I think that’s why it can be great to space out the pregnancies so that the older child is at preschool while you’re spending time with the younger child. Is that an option for you?

Thanks for the responses. @GreenBalaclava - that’s so interesting about your 11 year old getting more attention now, I hadn’t thought about that and of course as I should know by now, everything comes in stages and this is obviously just a bit of a tricky one! @justanotherneighinparadise I think you are so right about spacing pregnancies - mine are 2.5 years apart and if I could do it again (or if I ever had a third) I’d leave it another six months or a year between them so that the older one was in preschool or reception. But yes my eldest can do a bit more preschool, after these responses I’ve already decided to take the plunge and ask if DD1 can do the extra day a week at preschool so I have a day with DD2. I feel a bit guilty not having a ‘special day’ with DD1, but my gut tells me I need to redress the balance in favour of DD2 a bit for a while at least. Thanks so much for all the help x

All sounds quite normal to me and your baby will benefit from you chatting and playing with your three year old in a second-hand way. In almost no time the baby will be joining in.

You're doing fine.

As a parent of older children, my theory is that the younger, “neglected” ones are much more chilled out and all the intense attention the eldest gets isn’t necessarily ideal. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly. (Mine are closer in age too, but that meant they were brilliant playmates... there’s no “ideal” age gap.)

I think you sound really sensible and thoughtful and very attuned to your daughters’ needs. I think an extra day at preschool for DD1 makes very good sense to focus on your youngest for a while.

My girls are young adults now but over their childhoods (& even now) they have both needed more care, time and attention at different times. This is normal and as long as you make sure that you are even-handed over time then I’m sure it will work out fine.

I'm a mum of 3 teens and they have never needed me equally. The one who is at a stage that they need me dominates my time but over the longer term it balances out.

Your plan to have dd1 in preschool an extra day is a good idea so that you can focus on dd2. Dd1 sounds perfectly normal btw Don't forget that dd2 will also be benefitting from dd1's input and presence. When she's chatting, it's a learning opportunity for dd2 too.

So grateful for all your supportive words and advice. Reassuring to know from those of you with older kids that this is a lifelong problem (oh god!)
Thanks so much for all the help x

I have almost the same age gap between my two (2 years 2months) and I do feel the same. I give a lot of attention to my 3 year old dd and my 15 month old ds just seems to slot in. Dd goes to pre school 3 days a week so I do get the 1-1 time with ds on those days which is really nice. It is really hard tj balance your time between the two but I'm sure both your dd's feel they get your time and support even if you don't feel like you are doing enough.