Help! To move at 7+ or stay in State primary?

[PrivateOrState]

Facing a decision...

Two kids happy at state primary (although eldest does find all the learning boring, and youngest is just in pre-school).

Life is very easy and lovely, the current school is a couple of minutes walk away. A lovely neighbour is a childminder, and does pickups when needed.

We feel part of the school community, see lots of the parents and kids out and about, and have known many of them since nursery/playgroups.

DH was insistent on applying to a couple of 7+ places for the eldest. I have had my head in the sand, ignored the situation and just hoped he would not get an offer, but he did get one. We now need to make a decision.

The 7+ school is a great academic school and crucially goes all the way up to 18.

So many down-sides though. The thought of the kids not going to primary, or possibly secondary, together makes me so so sad (no guarantee the youngest would ever get in to that school).

The private school is a 20 min drive away. We’d have to take turns to juggle 45 mins out of work for pickup, or pay for a driver. (I hate driving)

But then if we turn down this place, we will end up with a lot of stress for the 11+ move in 4 years.

We also might find turn it down and the find that some of his classmates/friends have moved, which would be gutting.

Has anyone faced a school decision like this and if so what did you do?

Stay in local state school for an easy life (and more money) and to avoid the emotional trauma of moving the child - or push the boat out, and put up with a long commute and logistical challenges daily?

I do want the DC to be challenged academically, and have the private extra-curricular stuff, but I think that can come at secondary and not now. It would be much more comfortable financially to wait, as well.

But then part of me does remember the boredom of primary myself where I was not challenged at all and it might have made me fundamentally a lazy person

So scared of making such a huge change to our lives and regretting it.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

I am sure you know this, but really You are the only ones who can answer that.

I will strongly advise you to do an ‘as is’ a pros and cons list and look at the weighting for each. Then I would do a future one too.

How hard is it to get into a good secondary if your DC doesn’t pass the 11+.
Quality of teaching / education at current primary, will it prepare DC for 11+
How important is your state school community to you, does the independent have a good rep for building a sense of community.
Lastly, what does your DC think?

My DC are at independents. However, I by no means feel it’s for everyone. Our school run is harder, it’s obviously more expensive & we are not part of our local community in the way are state friends are. However, the facilities & teaching make it worthwhile in our view and DCs are very very happy. We went down the 4+ / 7+ root as I wouldn’t like to tackle this at 11+.

Really it’s where you think your DC will be happiest and thrive.

Thanks very much for the reply @DirtyDancing. Definitely food for thought. I have a pros/cons list in progress.

How much of a stretch is it financially? What would your plans be if DC2 doesn't get a place?

What are the offerings at the private school vs the current state school? Looking ahead to secondary - what the the offerings at the private schools vs the schools your DC would likely go to? What are the academic differences? How good is the private school?

If you turn down the place, do you think you are likely to get a place in year 7 if the 11+ doesn't go as planned?

Why was your DH so keen to apply? Is there a problem with your current school? Is your DH very concerned that DC1 is bored?

Will your DH do his fair share of pick-up duties? Is there no school transport system? E.g. bus, taxi, shuttle to your area? Or childminder who would do the pick-up?

Honestly I would strongly consider accepting the place in your shoes. But you need to go through all the pros and cons and come to the decision with your DH about what is right for your family.

Thanks @cakesofversailles. Great questions.

It would not be entirely comfortable to pay for 2 kids from 7, but it would be do-able. We’d both have to work full-time-ish without any long breaks for the next 10 years at least, perhaps could drop hours a bit after that if we’d built up enough of a safety net. Hopefully there would not be too much expectation on annual skiing trips with the school etc as I’m not sure we could afford this.

The schools themselves don’t really compare. The private has all the extra-curricular stuff, great equipment and facilities, languages, musical instruments, swimming pool, theatre etc. It is highly academic (results are in top 100 schools in the country).

The state school is nice but 30 kids to a class, with the full range of abilities the teacher has to cater to.

There were a lot of issues last year in the current school and a few kids left. Although not sure any of their reasons bothered me that much. I think they had high expectations of a tailored service, speaking to teachers about their children nearly every day, whereas I am conscious they have 30 sets of parents to deal with so I would speak to them on parent’s evening and that’s it.

The head was atrociously laid back and a very bad speaker, but that head has thankfully now been replaced and the new one seems great.

Despite me being friendly with loads of parents, gathering any intel about the other teachers in the older years at the (current) school is very tricky. I quickly learnt in the nursery year, that the core group of parents shut down on any negativity, and are viciously protective of the school’s reputation. Which I understand.

Staying at the state is a risk, as at any time one disruptive child might join the class and make it un-teachable! This has happened to others I know in a different state school.

With the youngest, we’ll have to try hard at 7+ and if unsuccessful, cast the net very wide at 11+ and be prepared in a worst case scenario to move house. There is a non-selective state high, but that would feel unfair if we thought he could go to a better school in a less competitive part of the country.

This will be a nightmare, but then I think we’ll face the same issues eventually anyway as there is a 3 year gap. If it was a 4 year gap we could have done the 7+ and 11+ at same time and made a choice with both boys in mind.

DH is risk averse and not emotionally attached to the school so was thinking of all the factors above. Yes he would equally do pickups etc, although neither of us know whether we’ll be office or home-based in the post-covid world.

Public transport is a possibility at secondary age as there’s a shuttle from the train station, but not primary.

I should also say, we are both definitely set on independent for secondary, mainly just because we could afford it and it’s what we want to spend our money on.

There are no private schools near us that are academically non-selective, and we don’t know how able the youngest will be, or how well the eldest would do in interviews. The eldest was not offered a place at the other school applied for, whose 7+ process did include an interview. So part of me is thinking we got lucky as there was no interview at the other school due to covid.

I think I’m talking myself around here. But then I think of walking both DC to and from school and how lovely it was briefly to have them both going together.

At every stage of our DC's schooling we have thought about where their mental health would be best, and where they would be happiest. For us so far that has meant staying with local schools and we have happy, healthy, fun, hard working, achieving children with lots of friends. But what is right for ours isn't necessarily right for others, but I know mine would have suffered from long commutes, spread out friends and a pressurised environment which is our alternative.
I also always have in the back of my mind not to ever move a happy child unless there is a really, really good reason.

I think a pros and cons list is the only way to go.

It doesn't sound like you are thrilled with your primary. But obviously, you can reduce the problem with tutors, and I do think bright kids can catch up on a poor primary between 11-13 at a good senior school, giving them plenty of time before exams. So overall, unless you have a child with particular challenges or a flailing primary, I think it's not worth squeezing yourselves too hard to pay fees until 11. (Remember university is expensive too!)

If you did go for it, does the independent school your elder one got into have a sibling policy that would help the younger one get in? Do they ever turf kids out at 11/13, or do they just sail from junior to senior unless there are dire issues?

If you didn't go for it, and one or both of them didn't make it in at 11, are there weekly boarding options you might be happy with (can be really good for teens whose parents do long hours), or could you move for more choice??

So many questions!

I will start by saying I went to a mix of state and independent schools and my brother just independent. If your child is happy and doing well I would stick with the state school. I have two children and who will not being going to an independent school but I would move house to get into goods schools ( that’s because I have a crap income but decent capital and can work anywhere). I went to a non selective independent and had a great time, went to a good uni. My brother went to the same good uni, which was full of folk from independent schools. He hated the long commutes he had to school. I only had a short commute.
The selective independents do kick poorly performing students out or just don’t enter them for exams to keep the figures looking good. I would go for extra tutoring for the 11+ or move to good state school area. Also as pp said consider weekly boarding at a non selective independent.
Best to save some money for uni as that is as expensive. Also unis are having to accept more students from state schools, when I went about a third were privately educated, it might not be such an advantage now.

There’s no official sibling policy anywhere local. Plus we wouldn’t want the youngest to go if he would struggle and be at the bottom (it is too early to tell). And yes they could kick you out at 11 although I think that’s only in exceptional circs.

Weekly boarding is not an option I would consider, I would miss them too much. We’d have to all move so they could both have a good school.

I assume at uni they’ll get loans to cover fees, and summer jobs, so we’ll just top up a bit on living expenses if necessary, so maybe 2-3k a year, is that not enough? I had much less from my own parents, most years nothing at all.

Yes I am worried this school would label them with maximum ‘privilege points’ which will go against them in uni applications. They would need to work harder and achieve more, academically and otherwise, to get the same uni offers, than if we stick with state. But hopefully the actual advantage of the education will compensate for that.

Although my eldest is happy and doesn’t want to move, he isn’t being stretched and doesn’t get any opportunities to improve confidence or public speaking. We have raised to the teacher and been reassured, but then a couple of weeks later he got a one-liner in the school play. We also noticed other kids were bringing in show-and-tells and sent him in with something, but it sounded like he didn’t really get to present it. They are just limited in what they can do, with so many kids. But to me this is a crucial bit of education (skills in presenting information, thinking on your feet and answering questions) where it’s impossible to catch up in later life (I struggle in this area myself).