another thread about my solitary ds

[MaryAnnSingletomb]

I've posted several times about ds and please forgive me for doing it again, only I continue to feel anxious about him.
Briefly to recap, he is an only child, a sweet and gentle,bright and happy 10 yr old - he likes school very much and is doing well in all subjects,especially creative ones but has difficulties with certain physical aspects in that he lacks co-ordination, balance and therefore finds ball games like football,catch etc difficult, and being in a playground or space with people milling around is tricky as he has difficulty judging the distances/speed of onmcoming people ! Finer motor skills tricky also,as in picking up small things,manipulating fiddly things etc. He is being given OT each week and has had help with all this throughout school.
Now he is in yr 6 I'm really worrying about his social abilities as it's important to have friendship groups for moving on the secondary school next September.
The thing is that he doesn't have friends and it pains me to admit this as it seems so odd to me,being shy but sociable !
In his previous school (we moved 2 and a half yrs ago) he had a small group of pals but tended to pick 1 particular person as a 'best' friend, but since m oving hasn't formed any bonds like this (we still keep in touch with friends from old place and he gets on really well with them when they meet)
At this school he formed a good friendship with a boy in the year above him who has now gone on to secondary - I'm encouraging this friendship to carry on and he has seen him in the holidays etc and after school, but I want him to have friends in his year.
He is quite happy as he is though and doesn't seem to worry whether he is on his own or not,which in a way makes it better as he isn't feeling sad and left out - he chooses it seems to be on his own. When he meets other children and he does get to know them he is friendly and knows how to share, be aware of how others are feeling ( in fact is hyper sensitive to how others feel - hates upsetting anyone). He is picked on in school by a group of boys who obviouisly see him as an easy target because he is different and they think he won't answer back or stand up for himself...he will,as he is quite steely underneath but fears doing the wrong thing and so holds back.
Sorry- this is long...any comfort/ideas ?

SoMuchToBats - I love the idea of brass instruments - my grandpa played the french horn - but I think he'd have a job holding the instrument and doing the fingering too.
And thanks for the lovely complements about ds Doodledootoo - in fact thanks everyone who has responded - it really helps and I do value your opinions - makes me feel looads better xxxxxxx

Oh MAS, have only just found this.
I know you have had lots of fab replies, and just wanted to add this:

Your ds had friends at his previous school, and in fact still gets on well with these friends. So he is obviously fine in regards to making friends. But he is selective and has just not found 'his' kind of people to befriend in this school.(Apart from his lovely friend in the year above) And instead of 'changing' to fit in more with these classmates (as so many children would) your ds is true to himself and has not changed. He is obviously a very secure and confident boy and does not want to change just to become friends with those he feel he does not have much in common with.

I know it is hard, especially when he is being picked on, and I can truly see why you worry. But please don't. Your ds seems like a fantastic person. Strong, true to himself, kind, and you must be so very proud.

As already mentioned by others, secondary school is huge, so there is every chance your ds will meet others on his wavelength. And when he does, these friendships will be true ones.

Please don't worry.
xx

bless you hippi - that's so nice - I know I go on about ds a bit but every so often I fret about these things.

I teach flute and piano - trust me, the flute is easier for coordination. A brass instrument would be even easier. I have a really determined girl who has coordination problems but still really wants to learn piano. She moves very slowly but doesn't care because she wants to do it so much. If that push wasn't there though I think she would have given up as her friends took off through the books and left her for dust.

thanks twentypence - my SIL is a flautist and my dad, so will consult them - I think that ds's keeness and persistence with things he finds tricky might assist him in his endeavors !

Oh, school must be so hard for less than totally 'centre of attention' kids! Let's face it, in what other walk of life, post school, are you FORCED to have to even BE in a room with anyone else if that's not what you want? I don't mean to imply that your DS is anti-social, just it's such an artificial environment, isn't it?

DS1 has a couple of good friends (best one is a girl- they're 8) and prefers more individual pursuits- he does karate which he enjoys but I'm losing the 'Cubs' 'battle'! DS2, 6, has no special friend at all but loves his football and Beavers. Go figure!

miljee - I think girls sometimes make the best best friends for certain boys. My ds has a few friends, most are girls. He is very much not into football (and has coordination issues anyway so never gets asked to play), and spends his lunchtimes in lunchtime club (which another classmate cruelly referred to as 'billy-no-mates-club') or in the library reading with a few girls. But he is happy! Incidentally ds loves Cubs, because he is with likeminded boys there (ie not with the football players which so dominate the scene at school)

MAS - good luck in finding the right instrument for your ds. You are right, his desire to do it will take him a long way. Ds tried drums last year (heaven help my ears) and had to give it up as he was too small for the drumset, and too un-coordinated. But he is determined to try again next year! I always wanted to play the violin when I was younger, and after I had had all the music lessons (reading music etc) and it was time to chose my instrument I was told I could not do the violin as my hearing was not good enough. So I gave up on music. I really regret that now, and I also wish they (the music teachers) has allowed me a chance on the violin.

Our local secondary school is a specialist sports college, and that does worry me wrt my non-sporty ds. But hey, that is for another day!

Mary Ann - I do understand - you could be describing my DS1, except that he does enjoy Cubs. We tried to encourage him to play football, then discovered in an eye test that he had a mild astigmatism, and the optician asked me - completely unprompted - if he had a problem with 'ball sports' becuse that can be a result of an astigmatism. So we felt very guilty about that, and have encourage him to do other sports. He tolerates them , and is actually quite a good runner, but isn't enthusiastic, and resist any suggstions that he might enjoy the kids club on hols etc. Alike your DS, he has one good friend and is not interested in others although he plays with other children, does not 'connect' with them.
Yesterday he told Dh that his favourite activity is 'lying on his bed reading' - and I have to admit that is my favourite activity, so he has clearly inherited it from me
DS2 is completely the opposite,mad about football, very sociable. (Obviously gets that from DH!) So,not an 'only child' thing, if you were thinking that

kookaburra - I love it that your ds likes to lie on his bed reading - he sounds fab !

KB -sounds like our DS1-12, she is permanently attached to a book.

Lying /sitting/kneeling in/on/around a bed hers/ours/sofa/floor as long as there is a book in the vicinity she's happy!

I made her put some books away the other day as I felt 20 on her bedside table was a little OTT!!!

I cant add anything in the way of advice, just wanted to say that he sounds like such a lovely boy and he's gorgeous too!

thank you jeremyvile - this thread has been so reassuring - I showed it to dh too as I know he has been fretting himself and I think it cheered him

MAS - just found this.

Nothing of any use to add, but I think your ds sounds quite similar to me when I was younger. I was a good one-on-one friend but struggled when/if the group got bigger. I sort of got 'lost' in it and never felt as if I fitted in. (probably still like this today!) However, looking now at my group of friends, I'm drawn to people quite like me and I have wonderful friends, I just don't manage too well with the groups and in-jokes. Dd seems to be taking after me too

My advice, for what its worth, is for your ds to follow any of his interests, not necessarily for the outcome, being the best etc, but purely for enjoyment. Reading others posts a few have said about dcs not continuing with instrument lessons etc because they didn't have great ability. I regret not playing more sports (I was written off by our sports department at school), not playing the trumpet even though I was desperate to, I was told I shouldn't play it as a big instrument would suit me better etc etc. Who were these people to say I shouldn't do things? Since when can't we do something for pure enjoyment not just achievement?[anger]

I think confidence comes from being given opportunities to develop as a person. You are doing so much for your lovely ds who is clearly a delightful young man. He will find his way and like minded people along the way.

Sorry, not much use, but don't want you worrying too much!

xxx

thank you hotcross - thoughtful and kind words as always - every so often I do get upset by things and fret about ds - it doesn't help being alone at home all day where I tend to mull over things and get stuff out of proportion. Ds says a girl in his maths set didn't want to work with him on Friday, though this could have meant she didn't want to work with the group - but these little things pray on my mind - she also mocked ds and another girl -a very tiny girl in yr 6- for being afraid of balls - ds always cowers when balls thrown towards him as he can't judge the speed,direction etc...I guess I should toughen up and get used to it because it'll go on happening, but it's not fair and it's not nice.

MAS, I've just seen this thread and have to comment because, like other posters, so much of it ring trues for my DS1 and when you say 'I do get upset by things and fret' I know exactly what you mean. What I find interesting is that you say that your DS had best friends outside his year group / class -- that is just what my DS does! At his last school it was a boy two years above, and here a boy in another class. Perhaps our boys are just very selective! I think my DS would rather run round by himself than have to fit in with people he doesn't 'get' and don't 'get' him. Having moved recently, I'm glad to say DS has found a little group to hang out and be crazy with, but in his previous school I did have his form teacher say 'wouldn't it be nice if your DS had a friend'! I wanted to cry (actually I did when I got home!). Like you, I fret terribly and want to protect him from the unfair things in life. Don't feel you have to 'toughen up'; being sensitive and caring for your son so deeply is lovely and an attribute that proves you are a great mum.
I think we should take pride in our boys and their individuality. And I am certain that at Secondary school there is much more space for kids to be themselves -- actually it's quite cool to be different when you are a teenager!

erniecrackles - that was lovely and cheering to read and I will try to think of all these things when I do feel fretful and sad about things- it's heartening to know that there are others with similar dcs and everyone one says that about secondary school - there must be more room in them to just 'be'