Feeling a bit crap

[Ispy]

Hi all

This is my first time starting a thread on mumsnet, so go easy on me.

Feeling a bit crap about dd 5.6. She is in 2nd year of primary, senior infants here in Ireland. She is in a class of 28 with a really strict academically focussed teacher. She is firstborn and quite immature in comparison to her peers. I have concerns about her confidence/self-esteem and have spoken to a behaviour therapist recently and we will probably pursue a programme with him to address some of her issues. I have had parent teacher meeting with both her teacher and learning support teacher and I just feel crap. She is really struggling it seems with all aspects of the curriculum, compounded by the fact that she has 'low confidence' and gives up very easily. Homework at home is improving but I'm SO TIRED of the daily struggle of 'do we have to go to school today' to the 'I can't do it' when we are doing homework. I hate to see her feeling miserable and it just kills me. I don't want her school years to be unhappy. Today I had the meeting with the learning support teacher and I just felt like screaming CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SAY SOMETHING GOOD AND POSITIVE ABOUT DD!!!! PLEASE!!! I'm a sahm and feel like I've worked my butt off for the last few years making sure my kids are loved/nurtured/educated and I just feel like what's it all been for if my dd is afraid of her own shadow.

I realise I sound like a moaning minnie who really in the grand scheme of things has little to worry about, it's just that I feel a bit battered today. I tried to get DH on the phone to talk to him but he does a lot of phone based work and he has been unavailable all day.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and pregnancy hormones are not helping. I just needed to vent.

your dd will find her way, with such a loving and thoughtful mama she can't not.
This isn't necessarily a sign that the rest of her school time will be tough, and you are doing all the right things in getting help for her.
you're probably already doing this - but can you find ways to provide the counterbalance to her academic teacher and the pressure of school by helping her get back in touch with her curiosity and excitement about finding out new things and getting good at stuff?

xx

Thanks for your message Spink. Means a lot. I hope what you say is true about her school life not being like this permanently. That is my greatest fear in this issue.

Your advice is good and we are trying to encourage her in extra-curricular activities. Sadly her reaction is mostly the same 'I can't do it' to swimming and soccer. Perseverance is the key I know. I just feel a little beaten by it at the moment.

What about art and craft type things? My DS is a bit "can't do it" about some things - swimming, bike riding, climbing, etc and also sometimes about his homework but that is more often when he is tired. Fortunately for him, he is quite good academically which means he is OK with school work.

my ma tells me I hated nursery and primary, think it was the formality & structure of it. But once I found things I loved (messing around making noise ('music'!) and being outside exploring plants and insects and things), she reckons it all 'clicked' and I became more confident at finding things out in the school setting too.

If the teachers aren't giving you (and her?) positive feedback, maybe you could celebrate her achievements just with her - have a prize giving ceremony at home, where she gets a certificate for something she has done well at. Could even become a weekly thing, so she gets used to noticing the things she is good at & not just the stuff she is struggling with..

good luck with it. I know it is hard, but try to give yourself a break with it too, and trust yourself that you are both doing ok

What does she like doing outside school? Does she have skills you could build on? Perhaps something like dance or music would help her in confidence (and possibly stimulate her mentally, too).

Actually she does seem to have a natural talent for dancing so I am currently looking for some kind of modern dance class for her age. I am hoping that this could be a breakthrough for her in time.. She does like making jewellery as well so I need to stock up on beads etc.

I've come to some conclusions over the last few days one of which has given me some strength; I find that she is overwhelmed in the large 'crowd' environment and as such her traits of shyness and quietness are not celebrated, rather pointed out as being undesirable. That's just not right and while I want her to thrive in the school environment I also want to celebrate who she is.

Is moving schools an option? The thought of a strict academically focussed approach to a 5 year old just seems so wrong to me!

yes is there any alternative to this school?

Other interests are one way to go. This is probably a dumb idea but I knew of one "doggy" family that bred Labradors, who got a little spaniel for their shy dd to show or do obedience with, to boost her confidence, and it worked really well.

What about nurturing her relationships with school friends, that will make school more fun regardless of the school itself-invite them round for little jewelry making, baking playdates etc. If she doesn't pick one, you choose a nice one, lurk and chat up the mum. If this works, plan little parties-tea, Halloween, Xmas, for a select 2-3; this is something you can really help with!

Also her relationships with a nice TA (if there is one! ), or teacher-get her to take in a new toy, necklace, to show Miss so-an-so-I find that helps getting them out the door in the morning.

I have a "I can't do it" one too. I try and make a point of telling him all the things he can do - and reminding him that he had to learn how to do those too (eg walking, talking, getting dressed, riding a bike etc). And I also make a point of explaining that we all have to learn to do things - I explained the other day the I spend much of my time at work doing things wrong and learning (working out how to) do things the right way.

I am trying to show him that you can't expect to be able to do everything to begin with - and the only way to be able to is to keep trying - and appreciate that every time you try you get a bit better at it until suddenly you realise you can do it, and you are now doing it without realising it.

I even go so far as to explain that learning means training your brain to know how to do something - and the only way is to keep doing it until your brain has made the right paths. Compare it to making a path through tall grass - difficult to begin with but increasingly easier as the path gets trampled down and more fixed.

Ispy, you are so lovely. Yay to the wonderful thoughtful quiet children who sit back and take in the world. Strange how it has become a negative thing in our society if you don't jump in head first... My most treasured relationships are with people who are gentle and calm and quiet, and who do not rush and fill rooms with themselves.
Good on you

You need to find something your little one is good at and encourage that. It might be dancing, drawing, card making, cooking, helping you tidy up - anything which makes her feel good about herself. Anything she does well, encourage it. If she is a really helpful, well behaved child, keep telling her that and make a point of telling grandparents/friends in front of her about all the great things she does. Academic achievement is only one aspect of her life, but given that they spend so much time at school it can soon overshadow everything else. Work on building her confidence in anyway you can, it might just help her face the school work battle. Break down her homework into bite sized chunks, ask her teachers if they can help with that. Pick on a bit you think she can do, do that first, and praise her if she tries hard, even if she can't "get it". Think about the longer term. You want a happy, confident child, regardless of what grades she gets in school. Easy to say, I know, and this must be really hard for you, but work out your own priorities for your child and keep those at the forefront of your mind during the difficult times.

Ispy, how is it going? you ok?

Ispy - at the same age my dd found school a trial. She too is a quiet thoughtful soul, who also likes doing physical things. She found the discipline of the primary years after the relative freedom of nursery to be a 'drag'. She was slow to read and write because I think she just didn't see the point of it all. She was also one of only 9 girls in a class of 25, and many of those girls were (are!) loud pushy dominant sort of characters and I felt she was somewhat overshadowed by them.
Anyway - I found groups and activities for her to do away from her usual group of friends. Jumping Beanz was one - where they do a lot of physical stuff encouraging co-ordination and co-operation etc. Also she started having riding lessons - a skill she had to learn, but that showed obvious results with improvement, and being able to control the pony on her own was a big boost to her esteem.
She is now nearly 10, and after I had been very accepting that she might not be very academically orientated, she recently has had an award from her headmistress for one of her Literacy projects. She also quietly asserts herself among her peers, not letting herself be domineered.
She will also be competing next year in Shetland pony racing..!

So I think if you continue to support your dd the way you are doing she will probably surprise you. Look for opportunities to let her develop and grow in ways that suit her.

We are doing ok. Thanks for all the lovely messages and you've all made me think about ways I can encourage her in other areas. At the end of the day I want her to be happy. Nothing else matters. Vampire, your story is encouraging and it sounds like you really worked hard at maintaining her individuality. I will strive to do the same.

We are going to Spain tomorrow for mid-term holiday so she will really enjoy that and no school!