daughter hates school reception class

[anniee8ava]

Hello,

Apologies if this is not the right section. I just wondered if anyone has any views/ideas/reassurance.

My daughter is turning 5 this month, so not a 'young' starter. However, she still cries every morning going into school and then worries about it at various times after school and at the weekend. She has always been very clingy to me, she didn't need nursery due to my shifts ( split nights) She started Preschool at the same school she started at, in September 2019. That was a gradual transition due to her being so upset. Obivously with Covid, she stopped going in March and never went back.

This September she started at the familiar school but she kept complaining, the lunch hall is too noisy for her, shes not fond of men at all and one of the TA's is male so she didn't like that, there is a very naughty boy who only stayed for the morning sessions and used to play up throw things ect and she disliked that too. She is a very very shy and sensitive child.

I didn't know what to do, she was already coming home early on a Tuesday and Thursday to help with her transition. I ended up moving her to her sisters school and last week was her first week there. Maybe I moved her 'too soon' but I just didn't get a good feel, and her constantly worrying ect its heartbreaking to listen to and witness.

At her new school our neighbour (her best friend) is in her class and shes used to the environment having collected her sister there for the last 6 years and we went for a tour and meet the teachers ect. She was excited for the move and enjoyed her first few days. However, this week she is back to being so upset, wanting to sit next to girls, doesn't want to take any food to school, worrying constantly and then crying, sobbing for about half an hour before we get there and being stripped off of me.

Is this really 'normal' behaviour?! My eldest dd now 10, loves school, always has, she was a summer born and went to reception age 4 with no issues. I know a lot of people think she will be fine, she will get used to it ect as no one else at her old school or new school cries like this. I just feel its almost neglect on my part, if I keep sending her to school one day she will stop crying so much as she knows I won't be letting her stay off. Should I look into home schooling? It is so upsetting. She is fine for the majority of the day but it doesn't mean she is enjoying herself, she just seems to put up with it and says how much she misses me :(

Just as a side note, I didn't send her to her sisters school first, because it is a 10 min drive away that we cannot walk to, which is a pain. The other school is a 5 minute walk away, and I thought originally, knowing her character, that being in preschool for a year first would have helped her transition to the class next door if I put her in the closer school. Covid ruined that!

I just want to know is this prolonged separation anxiety normal or has she got some sort of 'SEN' issue going on. She is very intelligent, always has been, almost too intelligent for her brain she over analyses everything, I wish she was just all clouds and rainbows in her head like her eldest sister but shes so different! (and so loving) xx

Hi OP, sympathy from me, some of what you're saying rings true for me with my Dd who is now 6 and in yr1. Not looking men. Not liking some of the noise sometimes. She went through stages of not wanting to go to school, luckily for me this was mainly her preschool year and reception, half of which she was at home due to covid. I thought about moving her for various reasons but a good and trusted friend who used to be a primary school teacher told me to stick it out and that she'd put money on her being better in yr1 where its more work like, and so far that's proving to be true. So my advice is to stick it out.

Some days I draw a heart on Dd's wrist with biro, and one on mine. Just a little psychological trick to show her I love her and that we're connected.

My Dd is also very intelligent, anxious, self-conscious and easily embarrassed, takes embarrassment really to heart. We've had a lot of sleep issues. I feel like she wants to climb back inside me and like I can never fill her cup up. I've also considered SEN. In fact posted for advice on this possibility just last week.

It is hard to say from your OP because I don't know how you are framing this when you deal with her upset. I think that you need to look like you are not worried or phased by her upset which I appreciate is easier said than done. Empathetic but firm is the approach I would go for.
e.g. I can see that you are finding it difficult, but school is something all children need to learn how to do new things. After school we will do X together. Kind, firm and worry in private. If she brings up a particular issue e.g dining hall is noisy, again be sympathetic, but practical. e.g. I am sure it can be very noisy when lots of children are chatting together. Did you talk to X today? If it is something that can be managed, email the teacher. E.g. Can she go in earlier? Could she eat at a table near the door or in the classroom etc etc. You say yourself she hasn't had the experience of pre school and nursery and therefore this will be tricky for her. I think you need to front this out and thigs will get better. FWIW I have a child in my KS2 class who often had wobbles especially after the weekend or after a holiday. The kind but firm approach with something to do offered quickly usually has him occupied and settled within about five minutes whereas too much sympathy and chatting about why he doesn't want to come to school that day leads to longer periods upset and unsettled.

Has she had an eye test/hearing test. Do do these even if you're pretty sure. (My parents didn't notice I was blind as a bat til I was 7....) It can be frightening if not hearing or seeing properly.

Does she know exactly what is going to happen? Is there a visual timetable or is it all just overwhelming?

If its noise would ear defenders work? I think reception classrooms can be loud and chaotic and looking back really felt for little people when I helped.

Homeschool for a few years til 7 is an option if its an option you could easily choose.

If not speak to the school pastoral/senco whoever and make them know she is struggling and work together on an approach.

Being 1 of 30 I think is tough.

Is she tired? Getting enough sleep? Are you in a good place mentally?

Thank you for all your replies. I do remain positive, I try to say how good school is for her, talk about the good parts but she is still quite negative.

She sleeps 12 hours a night, we still co sleep, so no issues there. She is very active, she has lots of energy, a good diet at home she eats lots of fruit and different foods.

Home life is fine, sometimes a tad chaotic we have two cats and just bought a lab puppy but shes so caring and helpful. I am very stable mentally. I think she loves being at home with me too much which is the main issue.
This week is the first full Monday to Friday 5 days she has done so I'm hoping maybe by January she doesn't continue to cry every day. She is now sitting next to the teacher every lunch and choosing one friend to sit the other side and that has helped her lunch issues the last two days. Luckily her new school is lovely and the teacher and TA are so friendly.

Feel for you, this bought back memories of my DS who cried every morning right through reception year. I agree with the kind but firm, too much hugging and sympathy made him worse. I was dreading yr1 but we had tears again first day then after that never again. It's awful but hang in there,.she will get used to it even if it takes time.

Hmm. The noise sensitivity and anxiety and over thinking are BIG markers. But regardless of that, a child that is sobbing continually and stressing about it outside of school is far from normal. I’d certainly look at some other arrangement than this.

I think I’d also have a chat with the SENCO and if you have the means, a chat with the Ed Psychologist too. I think your SEN suspicions might be right.