Friendships in Year R

[whatisthepointofatoering]

My DS is my first and he's had some delays mainly with his speech and so is quite shy. I've seen his confidence improve since starting school in September, but he doesn't seem to have any friends. I know maybe he can't remember who he's done what with, but various times I've asked in different ways and he says he just plays by himself. His teacher also said he likes to choose his own activities not go around with others. I just worry. What is the normal friendship situation for 4 & 5 year olds? Do they have good friends usually? He knows all the children's names. He sometimes says the girls let him play, but it's not the same children always different. He didn't know anyone from preschool.

In general I find boys tend to be happy doing their own thing and joining in with whoever is doing something they want to do as well. Even at 13 my son just has a range of people he may or may not hang out with depending on what they are doing. They are a lot less likely than girls to have an exclusive friendship group.

It's still quite early, they are all still getting to know each other and working out who they click with. At 4 and 5 kids tend to be playing the same game alongside each other anyway, rather than actually playing together, so groups tend to be more transient. Is your DS quiet? Mine is, and he really struggled to get to know people in reception. We had a ridiculous number of playdates after school and at weekends (much harder this year with Covid I realise). The space to play with just one other child away from the busy school environment really helped him find connections with the other kids. He is now in year 2 and has some good friends.

My DD was like this in nursery and year R and it worried me too, especially as I could see other kids in the group forming bonds and friendships. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for her, even though objectively I knew she was happy.

The teacher was very reassuring, though - she said that my daughter was very happy playing by herself or with others, she was popular with her peers, but she just didn't have any favourites. She's bonded gradually and now she's in year 2, she's definitely got some close friends.

I actually now see it as a bonus - being able to entertain yourself, and play with lots of different people, is actually a really good skill at that age... It helps them to develop independence and resilience (obviously, assuming they are happy. If they're not, then that's a different thing). The kids that have firm best friends are often left feeling a bit lost if their friend isn't in school for whatever reason.

Also, this is just another example of kids being different. My DD is obviously a slow and steady tortoise when it comes to making friends, maybe your son is too?

I work in a primary school.

You tend to get a couple of boys who have one main friend. The girls tend to spend more time in small groups but the groups change almost daily.

Everyone else tends to either do their own thing, play with one or two others at a time (the pairings change almost constantly), or they get swooped on by some of the girls for a bit of 'mothering' or to be a useful part of whichever game they're playing.

Better he has a range of children to play with than limiting it to one or two children.
Often children with limited best friends are at a loss when their friend is off school.
Plus at 4/ 5 childrens "best friend" changes daily.
Girls often use the "best friend" phrase to exclude and hurt others. It has no real meaning at this age. Boys are less fickle but can equally chop and change as needed or as when a better opportunity arises.
Children with up coming birthday parties are suddenly everyone's "best friend"
I would not worry if he is enjoying being in school.

My DS was like this in reception too. I think he played mostly by himself, was quite quiet. I think he knew what he wanted to play with and that was more important to him vs socialising with others. I would say by Feb half term he had settled in more and was quite interested in playing with one other boy. We did do playdates here and there, but they were quite challenging. Most parents were surprised when I asked, and the playdates themselves were hard work, often with DS ending up in tears about having to share or something. I couldn't manage more than one or two per half term.

Now DS is in Y2, and seems to run around and play in larger groups with most of the boys in his class. Seems fairly normal really. He doesn't have any particular best friends. Still mostly happy with his own interests at home vs socialising.

Depends on the child. DD1 made a best friend after a fortnight and over a year on they’re still inseparable. She’s an extravert and misses her friends terribly in the holidays.

DD2 in reception has made no friends and tells me she plays with no one. But the teacher says she plays with different children and is also happy on her own. I think this year has been strange for them. Because of the lack of parties, after school play dates, less weekend socialising etc then it seems to be taking them longer to bond. They’ll get there.

My daughter (now 10) met her now best friend on day 1 of reception. It just happened to be the first girl she saw waiting with her parents outside of school the first morning of school when they were both 4. However, the constant dramas / falling outs / cliques /all the other joys of girls’ friendships brought with them different kinds of problems. Kids are all different and I think the stereotypes that boys tend to be more laid back and drama-free and true and I’m sure your son will find friends soon. Play dates and birthday parties are definitely a good way to get closer to classmates

Thank you all, I do feel much better. My DS seems very happy at school after the initial wobbles. He loves his teacher and seems smiley and very tired. He's one of the youngest too and with the speech delay I suppose it will take a bit longer.

No parties due to the covid situation, we are in Tier 2, so no mixing indoors, which is a bit silly when they are at school together. We had one Play date at half term at our house when we were Tier 1, the boy was quite over excited and aggressive, so I don't think it went that well. Trying to avoid that parent / child now, my DS said he didn't want to be friends with him. Tricky.

My DS is also in reception. He rarely mentions other children and if I ask him who he has played with he says he can’t remember, but at parents evening his teacher said he is popular and never on his own, always playing with someone. We haven’t had any play dates or parties yet either due to Covid. It’s still very early days and from the admittedly limited view of the playground I have in the morning at drop off there don’t seem to be many (if any) “best friends” yet.

My DS is in reception too, he's nearly 5 so in the older half of the year. He was in the preschool at the same school where he made one very close friend (tbh I think the boy kind of decided my DS was going to be his friend, and DS happy to be chosen by this boy) and they're in the same class now. DS said he played with this boy every day by the sounds of it for the first half term, but they haven't been in the same group at all and so I think the boy is now close to a different boy who is in the same group, and my DS seems to be close to one girl who is in his group since the half term. He now always says he plays with the girl! Except for this week she has been off sick and he said he's played with the original boy friend again.

I think they are fickle and just play with whoever seems to be playing something fun. If he is happy then that's enough, I know where you're coming from though as I worry, I was always left out at primary school (in a friendship group of three) and I project this onto my DS' situation.