Play dates

[Arabellasmum]

In your experience, how important are play dates in the life of a child? Should I be worried if my girls are not getting invited to play dates by their school friends?

This is a somewhat hypothetical question as we're currently in the middle of a pandemic and I imagine play dates are not on the top of the list of priorities for most families.

I don’t think they are that important if I’m honest. And especially now, nobody is having them! However in the future, if you would like
Play dates my advice is to offer them also. Generally if it’s been a successful one, you should get an invite back. Hope this helps.

I wouldn’t worry. I am one of those people who refuses to do play dates during term time. I find it exhausting after school when my kids are tired and / or trying to do homework to then have another child round or have to go out to collect them from somewhere else after dinner. I am up front about it with other parents from day one. Of course I’ll help out a friend who gets stuck once in a blue moon, but as a general rule it’s just not happening.

I do, however, ensure that in the school holidays that I instigate a couple of play dates with friends that my children are good friends with. They can come spend the afternoon, they have some brilliant quality time with each other, if gives working parents a bit of childcare and it’s sooooo less stressful as it’s “proper” time as opposed to being squashed in at the end of a school day.

We also get invitations in return but I never expect one. They see their friends all day at school. Particularly right now, many parents are probably enjoying not having play dates.

I don’t know. Maybe I am a party pooper but my children haven’t suffered one little bit, nor even been upset by not having lots of play dates.

I find them really important for my children as it allows them to get to know school friends in a more relaxed way. Also they love them! However you do have to work at it, some parents don't reciprocate often because they have jobs that make them more difficult so don't be offended if they don't get invited on as many as you host. We usually have an extra child each day after school (I have quite a lot of children so by the time they have all had one or two we end up with a full schedule!) I also find the threat of taking away a playdate is a useful tool, so instead of threatening no screen time I threaten no play dates! I enjoy getting to know my childrens' friends, and I like to see how my children play/interact with them as it helps me support them in their playdates. I think sometimes it depends how sociable you are as a family as to whether your children will need them, we are pretty sociable and love to spend time with other people so it wasn't a surprise that our children were similar. Growing up my family home was the one that my siblings and my friends flocked to right up to our 20's and bringing Uni friends home, and I suppose I am creating a similar environment, but not everyone is happy with that so find a way that suits you. Right now it is against the law anyway so don't stress it!

Playdates helped my two rather insular DC grow in confidence and forge friendships in a more relaxed environment.
They are pre-teen now and pre-covid we always had friends around or DC were at a friend's house.
It makes them happy.

Many thanks for all your responses. I'm quite indifferent about the subject but as @Spied said, it could help with confidence and forming tight friendships. I guess my problem is that my DD talks a lot about other girls having sleepovers and play dates and she never gets invited to one (Pre-lockdown). I tried reaching out a few times to some of the parents but none was forthcoming except for one who wanted to meet up at the garden centre and withdrew an earlier invitation she has extended.

I'm beginning to think the problem is me as I went through a phase of deep depression and anxiety and withdrew a bit from the group - I even burst into tears at one of the birthday parties once even though no one saw me - but it doesn't take a wizard to figure out I must have looked very sad on that day. Sigh! I hope I haven't ruined my DDs chances of having a rounded school experience. Perhaps, this is why no one reached out to us for a phone call during the lockdown and when we reached out, we got nothing back in return...

Perhaps I should consider changing schools to give them a fair chance and fresh starts?

It breaks my heart because only this afternoon, DD still asked for a play date.

I think keep trying (once lockdown is over). Once a week is plenty IMO and I tend to tail them off at the end of term when everyone is tired.

I’m not sure what kind of reaching out you’ve done but I tend to be pretty specific - “Would X like to come and play with DC after school on Y date?” If they can’t do that day, I will ask about another date. If you are vague and don’t offer concrete dates it tends to come to nothing.

My DDs have said they are more likely to play with a child they have had a playdate with, so it does seem to matter socially.

Bless you, I am sure it is nothing you have done but just one of those things that hasn’t worked out yet. Could you try reaching out and saying that your child feels left out? I find that the more honest I am about how my children are feeling with their friends parents the better things go all round. No parent is going to ignore you if you say your child is sad because they don’t feel involved. Reach out and I am sure things will improve. You are a lovely sounding mummy for caring enough to think about moving schools but I don’t think that is the answer. X

I don't think moving schools is the answer.
Things wont magically fall into place in a new school. It will make things harder.
Continue to smile and have a socially distanced chat with fellow mums and ask how they are. Ask about their Christmas plans - anything.
Once restrictions lift and you feel comfortable plan your own dds sleepover or little get-together.
Anxiety is the pits but avoid ruminating.

I think this one of those things that is easy to overthink. I'm not sure how old your DC are but childhood is long, and I think some families start them unnecessarily early. No need for sleepovers ever really, and having started too early (Y3) with DC1 I would wait until Y4 or Y5 at least.

I host sometimes because my DC love them. I have developed a bit of a thick skin about return invitations. I don't do them for tit for tat, it's all for my DC. It is also a mini-practice for you, for when kids are dropped off at your child's parties.

I am reading from your OP that your child is still really young and I wouldn't worry about it yet. When you do offer, make a specific suggestion with a couple of specific dates on different days of the week, maybe just an hour it doesn't have to be a whole evening, and maybe say parent and sibs are welcome to stay. Part of the process is parents getting to know you a little at pick up so that they form a vague opinion of whether to trust you with their child, so if you are struggling with the school gate it might help to make it clear they are welcome.

Lots of DC are very limited because they have activities or go to after school care. My DC can only do weekends, for example...and I worried a lot when DS1 was in the Infants. I then discovered two things. One, his mates play with him regardless and two, it was all about whether the Mums were friends at that age and as I wasn’t in the playground at all I didn’t stand a chance (well, a couple of honourable exceptions but there’s only so many times you can say no to elevenses without people giving up on you!). Many play dates then died away because (whisper it) the DMs may be friends but the DC don’t like each other much...leading to much playground falling out amongst the DMs (or so I’m told). And DS1 has bumbled out the other side still playing with the same group.

The parties on the other hand I found very upsetting (again, relayed to me ‘oh, X didn’t invite DS1 because I don’t know DelurkingAJ’...which when you’ve happily brought your DC to DS1’s party an told me how well they get on seemed a bit much!).

I think DelurkingAJ sums it up very well.

We have found different schools have different cultures on this. Our primary had very few playdates and it was mainly driven by mothers who got on. DS2's best friend his mother struggled to cope with additional children (as they already had 3) so there were very limited playdates which always disappointed him and certainly no sleepovers. Families with only children have been much more keen.

At our new school playdates are more of a thing. And our friends in London it sounds obligatory..

Oh and at the primary - with the birthday parties we regularly invited everyone in the year which was 12-17 children and got perhaps 3 party invites back... The new school the children up to year 5 invite everyone (pre COVID).

Many thanks ladies. My girls are still very young with the elder one in year 1 so maybe I really am overthinking it. I'll wait it out and see how things go in the upper classes. To be fair, I'm also quite shy and would hardly make the first move and when I do and get "rejected", even harder to give it another go. I'll keep working on myself too! 🤗🤗

Honestly, build your confidence up - most parents like their children being invited over! Yes your DD is young (definitely too young for sleepovers in Year 1!) so try not to angst about it. With DD1 as full time working single parent, i hosted virtually none as her friends were often busy at weekends. She did get invited to them though. I know she wished I’d done more.With DD2 (there is a 13 year gap between my DDs) I was able to get a lot more involved as I now work from home. When the situation Covid wise improves, ask her who she would like to have around. Approach the mother in the playground, say how much your DD would like their DC over, suggest a day the following week and sort things out from there. Exchange phone numbers and on pick up, ask the parent in and have a quick chat. Build up connections basically! Typically DD2 would have 2/3 play dates a month in term time. I find holidays more difficult as everyone is on holidays at different times.

As others have said, don’t angst about giving more than you receive, some parents do a tit for tat but others may do 1 to your 2/3. Play dates are good for solidifying friendships and teaching children to share their toys etc. As a parent they are a right pain in the proverbial - keep them to a max of 2 hours and have some activities planned e.g making/icing cupcakes, play doh food making etc. I used to have a chocolate fondue set that kids really loved!

@Arabellasmum You can do it! Just take it slow. I can't drive on motorways, my kids think I am bonkers as I love driving on other roads. We all have things that freak us out. x

Keep reminding yourself it's not as simple as the people doing them all the time are "right" and you are "wrong".

My DC2 definitely had fewer than my eldest, and I think 3rd & 4th children have fewer still. I think it's no bad thing to channel more experienced parents!

With children that young, it's often a good idea to make a first play date invite include mum (and siblings if necessary). It's one thing sending your child to a play-date when you know mum from toddler/baby groups, and you've been to the house before; quite another if you don't. The first time mine was invited by someone whose mum I didn't really know (in year 1), I asked if it was okay if I came too as she was a bit shy - but it was actually partly just because I didn't feel I knew them well enough. (As it turned out, Mum had said she'd feed them lunch, but that didn't actually happen until after 2pm - I couldn't do anything about it, but at least I knew for next time to make sure she had a substantial snack first!)

Of course, it's a bit more daunting for you having the mum there too, especially if you're shy, but hopefully with some coffee and cake and the kids playing, you'll manage to get chatting.

Really good points here. I will definitely be taking it slow from now on. Perhaps, starting from after school plays and keeping parents involved. It's certainly not a science, so I shouldn't overthink it. Xx

Once you are allowed, set up play dates in the park and once you can set them up in your house. I was not always keen on play dates, but I set them up for my children. Some playdates are reciprocated and some not. Some parents are keen on playdates and will invite a lot and some not at all. Just make an effort with different friends.