Problem with friends at school

[maisykins]

Hi I posted on another thread intially but actually should have started my own. My little girl age 6 had a best friend for 2 years but now its over - best friend X has a new best friend and is totally rejecting my DD (except when NBF went on holiday when X was all buddies with my DD again and then dumped her again).
My DD has decribed to me how sad and lonly she is playing with her shadow at lunchtime and playtime. She was so caught up with X she didnt have other friends and is very shy to approach others to play with.
I dont think my daughter is exaggerating about the problem with her friend - over the last two years they have been inseperable at school and have been to each other's houses, parties etc. Now I can see for myself how things are in the brief drop-off/collect from school time. Today she said to me "I had nobody to play with. I wish X could know how it is to feel so sad". That's pretty much her exact words. Then she saw X getting into her mum's car to go home - we always tend to park in the same places - she used to be running up to this friend etc and she looked over at her and her face just crumpled into tears. Later she told me that X had been sticking her tongue out at her and (for want of a better word) jeering at her.
Anyway I apologise this is a long background to the issue - but I would welcome advice please on two things - first any suggestions to how to help her cope. But more immediately - the three of them (my DD, X and the NBF) are on the same little table of 6 children at school in Year 2. I think this is how the NBF became friends - new table at beginning September and by end September this new friendship had taken over. I feel that although my DD would like her friend "back again" its not going to happen so she needs to move on. Being on the same table isnt going to help is it? Apart from which it seems they are almost rubbing her nose in it - leaving her out etc- if you know what I mean. Apparently NBF throws crumbs at my DD at lunchtime - little things which sound so trivial but which mean so much hurt for my DD.
Should I ask teacher if DD can move table - or would this seem over-the-top? (This would probably be a big deal unfortunately). Am I being over-defensive/protective? She was sooooo happy last year and now so sad.
Thanks to anyone who has read so far.

Your poor DD - I really feel for her. My DD1 is going through something similar at the moment, but as she is in Year Six she has developed more strategies for dealing with it - unfortunately girls can be horrid, and few of them escape this sort of treatment at some point in their primary school career.
In my experience your DD's class teacher would definitely want to know all this and may well be able to help by moving her to a new table and helping to throw her together with other children. She might even be able to suggest other children that your DD seems to have some affinity with that you could ask around to tea to help your DD build up a friendship.

ah bless her - how horrid it must be for her.
Personally I would talk to the teacher - my dds school has a very open door policy.
I would encourage your dd to be as friendly and kind as she can to the other kids in the hope that she can play with them cause she needs to get over her exBFriend. I would ask her teacher if she could help make opportunities for your dd to work with other kids and not the 2 in question and explain fully the problem and the affect it is having.

i am sure I have not explained myself very well but I hope you get what I mean and I hope your DD makes loads of new friends - always better to have loads than just 1. Just a thought - are there any that you could invite round after school - do you know any of their mums etc

this sounds horrible for your dd. i was fearing the same for my dd who started reception a day later than her best friend (have known each other since babyhood and me and her mum are good friends and work together). best friend greeted her on her first day in the playground saying "this is x, x is my new best friend forever" on the basis of a single day's acquaintance

we've been very lucky in that it seems to have blown over, all the girls are friends together and making new friends with others in the class and while i haven't heard any talk of best friends recently everyone is getting along and no-one feels left out to my knowledge.

i know your dd is older and the new friendship has been going for longer, but i wouldn't give up hope of the new friendship cooling and your dd renewing some friendship w/ex bf even if it's not as exclusive as it previously was. do you see ex bf's parents socially at all? could you engineer "chance" opportunities for them to play outside school and away from the new friend?

we were also lucky that we had other friends we could ask to play and foster those relationships - could you ask your dd if there is anyone else she'd like to get to know a bit better? i find structured play where you're more involved e.g. doing something crafty or a trip out can work better to promote new or fragile friendships than simply asking them round to play and leaving them to get on with it.

as to changing tables, i'd be hesitant to do something so drastic if teh relationship could be repaired but would talk it over with her teacher and see what they advise - they must have seen this kind of thing so many times. girls friendships can be the pits can't they

I don't think your dd should try and re kindle friendship with ex bf otherwise this may continue to happen. she needs a wide circle of friends

really empen? i totally agree that a wide circle of friends is preferable but is it not possible to fix what has in the past been a valuable relationship? (genuinely curious btw, don't have any recent experience of friendships at that age) either way they have to share a class for the forseeable future, would it not be possible to smooth things over a bit?

I am not saying she should never be friends with her again but I would not want her to get too close for fear of it all happening again. She may feel she has to please her and keep in her good books in case she gets dumped for someone else again - you would want her to be herself - Do you understand what I mean.

I actually have a 5 year old dd who is experiencing the absolute opposite of this and is causing problems of a different kind but childhood friendships can be so hard

Thank you for your messages. I guess I will speak to teacher - just hope I can do this without bursting into tears when having to describe how my little girl is feeling (sounds pathetic but there we are). Agree that we need to move on past this friendship - am on polite-friendly but not close-friendly terms with X's mum. I dont think X who is only 6 fully appreciates how much hurt my DD is feeling. I hope not anyway or she really is cruel. Probably the incidents are trivial to X and NBF but just big to my DD. So I am trying not to feel grudges towards 6 year olds. But I agree that DD needs other friends.
Time for bed now and will face teacher tomorrow in case half term is a good time for table changes.

Well I spoke to the teacher after school and she was very nice about it all - seems that some tables will be changing after half term so timing for this is good.
Will also try to encourage other friendships. So feeling better about this. Although DD is still unhappy she wasnt as bad today and half term coming up at end of this week

Can you use half term to invite another child over to play so that she can make friends on a one-to-one basis away from the playground? Any Mums you chat to that you could arrange to meet in the park or invite for coffee while the kids play?

From what I have seen at ds's school this seems to happen a lot with girls. There is usually one or two who seem to be very influential over others. In Y1 a certain girl specifically told another girl she would not attend her party if X attended so X was not invited for this reason and the theme continued through several parties.

It must be very upsetting as a parent as there is not a lot you can do to mend this particular relationship unless you can speak to the Mother and explain how upset your dd is?

I have 2 boys and can honestly say they are different creatures - no mind games, they may fall out one day if one hurts another but it is forgotten by the next day. Ds2 is now in Reception and already there are lots of similar girl problems happening.

Am not planning to try and mend ex-BF relationship or talk to the mum - could turn it into a "big deal" as other Mum is very gossipy with her own group of friends at school. I have no problems with X and DD being friends again if it happens. Just wary of a pattern of being picked up and dumped. Am presently pretending all is well when I see these Mums.
Going away for half term but am inviting a girl for Halloween tea (I hope/plan). DS has already invited a friend so will turn it into a bigger event and let all 3 children invite one each. Agree that boys are much easier - so far no problems like this with DS.

I think you're very right to be wary of the pick-up-then-dump pattern - also think that however horrid for the victim, it is almost worse (long-term, as a way of growing up) for the child who's the picker-up and dumper - just think what sort of norms of friendship you end up with.

Agree with everyone who says this is your dd's chance to branch out and have more than just one special friend.

My dd has just changed schools & one of the things I am most pleased about with new school is that dd says she isn't aware of anyone being "best friends" with anyone, and that instead everyone plays with everyone and no-one is left out. (When I asked if anyone got left out, she gave me a puzzled look and said "No, why?") (By the way, this is an all-girls school, so the stereotypes of girl friendships needn't always apply - isn't that cheering?)

Your poor dd maisykins.

Agree you need to encourage other friendships. If it's any consolation I found with me ds (now year3) that year 2 was when friendships did swap around a bit and consolidated as the children are that bit older and sometimes moving on from friends they may have had at pre-school, so this may have happened at a good time for your dd.

I think the teacher could help to encourage new friendships by ensuring that your dd works in groups which don't include the old best friend, as well as the seating plan - maybe have another word after half term?

This really strikes a cord with me and dd. She had a best best friend throughout nursery and the first half term in reception - me and her mum were really good friends so they spent soooo much time together, sleepovers, camping, 4-5 playdates a week type thing.

then dd's friend moved schools and area (exactly a year ago, actually) and dd was devastated - we had to start from scratch, really. it's been a up-and-down year but she is really back on course now (fingers crossed!) and the biggest lesson I have learnt is to make sure she never has one "best" friend again (so long as I can influence things) and to encourage her to play with lots of different people.

so we basically have a few months of making a real effort with playdates/other mums etc and feel it is now paying off for dd.

in the meantime, the only advice I can give is something my mum said to me when I was really down about it - it is a valuable lesson in life to learn - prob younger than you'd like, but a lesson all the same.

I sooooo identified with your sentence "she was so happy last year..." - but we are coming out the other side now - at last!

Dinny xx