Shy child

[Strawberryplum]

My 10 year old daughter is very shy and timid. She has a close group of friends, seems happy enough. But her class p6 (Scotland) is doing a class assembly in 3 weeks. There won’t be an audience in the hall but will be streaming to the classes. Now each class does an assembly every year, my daughter hates doing them. She has to speak for 2/3 min in front of the school about a certain subject. She’s asked me to keep her off as her anxiety is so bad about it. She’s got away with speaking in the past or just saying 1 or 2 words or working the projector, Or speaking with another pupil. She was crying earlier about it. I’m trying to be positive about it and encourage her to do this but it’s a no no. Do I let her take the day off?

No, you speak to her teacher and see what can be done. The teacher have probably picked her to help build her confidence, so you need to let them know how it's affecting her.

No. I had the same issue when I was school. Managed to get away with it quite a few times. But I learnt my lesson later in a painful way.

Yes I think I will speak to the teacher, and explain about her anxiety. I just feel so bad for her. Not all children or even adults like public speaking. It’s horrible to watch her get anxious and upset. I would have hated it to as a child. Iv told her it will be easier as there won’t be anyone but her class in the hall. I’m going to email the teacher now thanks

Ask the teacher to gently talk to her, adjust her part and practise with her, boosting her confidence.

It is about getting the balance. Don't let her avoid it or she will just find these things harder and harder. But also don't make it a traumatising experience. Encourage her, boost her confidence, reassure her and help her feel better about it. The more we practise talking in front of others (initially 1:1, then to a small group etc, build it up) the easier it gets. Train her to imagine herself doing it and it being a huge success, how happy she will feel after. If you do this is relaxes your brain and the associations so helps you to not panic. Afterwards, give her quiet praise and move on so it isn't a huge deal but she does feel more confident for next time.

DS has selective mutism (so basically his anxiety makes him unable to speak in most situations) and there is no way he would have done that. The teachers were great - he started off with being the one who did the projector (so basically off stage) then he held up signs, then one year he recorded a line that was played in a short video in the assembly, then in year 4 he managed to say one line wearing a mask (in a group all wearing masks so he didn't look out of place), the next year he did a line without a mask jointly with a friend and by year 6 he stood up at the leaver's service and said a few lines. So they always made sure he was included but each year it was a baby step to something just on the edge of his comfort zone but never pushing him too far. If he had been made to do something too difficult for him his anxiety would have been too great and he would probably have refused to go to school. (We've never let him stay off for anxiety reasons but have certainly occasionally had to promise that we would tell his teacher he wouldn't be doing something in order to get him into school.) So definitely talk to the teachers.

Have you used any strategies to help her manage her anxiety? How To Starve The Anxiety Gremlin is a good programme. I did it with DS when he was 8 or so and we still refer back to it now. It helps to have a name for the feelings and to know that they can be managed with practise.