Page 2 | When does struggling a bit become SEN?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Original poster

harman · 17/10/2007 15:00

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Blandmum · 17/10/2007 15:02

feel free to tell me to mind my own biusness, but what are they sugesting that you need to do, and what help are you getting to do it?

Original poster

harman · 17/10/2007 15:13

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tallulah · 17/10/2007 15:22

harman I didn't realise this post was you.

You are doing an amazing job coping with four children by yourself. I was so crap at looking after mine that I went back to work and left them to DH

Two of mine have dyspraxia and one has the added bonus of ADHD. When we were first referred to the clinic they told us that his problems were due to bad parenting and that there was nothing wrong with him. I then self-referred to someone who knew what they were talking about and got an immediate diagnosis of ADHD. DS1 has never even had a diagnosis but the older he gets (he's 20) the more obvious that he isn't NT.

Just because they are telling you it's all your fault doesn't make it true.

It does sound like she has come up with some helpful suggestions that have made your life a bit easier. I had counselling when we were having problems and we didn't talk about the children at all, so I think that's normal.

Blandmum · 17/10/2007 15:23

It sounds as if you are doing all the right stuff. and you need to give yourself a damn big pat on the back for it!

I don't know all our 'back story'(....sorry I've got a crapola memory) but it sounds from what epoepl have said in passing that you have had a tough time.

The bottom line is that none of us are perfect, and that all of us just need to be the 'good enough' parent.

Are you feeling that things have improved a bit, since you sorted out the sleeping stuff etc? I find that I tend to concentrate on the bad stuff and not always see the improvements when they happen.

how bad is the bad behavoiur, and again, tell me to mind my own buisness!

But it sounds as if you are already doing masses of great stuff, and you shouldn't be so tough on yourself.

Original poster

harman · 17/10/2007 15:52

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Blandmum · 17/10/2007 16:06

Nobody really knows what causes dyspraxia, so they can't place that at anyones feet! not your's not mine!

It sounds as if your children and you have gone through some really tough changes......anyones' kids would be disrupted by this sort of stuff. If here was one thing that you could sort out re behaviour that would help you most, what would it be?

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harman · 17/10/2007 16:17

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Blandmum · 17/10/2007 16:23

I can sympathise with that dd went through a phase of whinging all the time, and it really does get on your nerves.

what do you think would help stop the bickering/ fighting (if anything)?

To get a dx of dyspraxia (if that is you ds's problem), you would need a referal to an educational psychologist. Do you think that his behavioural issues in school are all being sparked by his problems with writing etc, or is there more than one cause, do you think?

Blandmum · 17/10/2007 16:24

the school can't dx dyspraxia- or anything else for that matter, was the point I was trying, and failing(!) to make

ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 16:24

Oh Harman, I know exactly where you're coming from. I had a miserable parents evening this week. DS2's teacher said, 'He is very eccentric, I can see he might become awkward in the classroom. I think he's trying to control me when he tells me I shout too much. When he comes in on Monday mornings he's just like DS1 was, very tired and grumpy' and then she stared at me.

I felt rubbish. DS2 is dyspraxic too, and I thought everything she was saying was aimed at the fact that she thought I was a bad parent, exhausted my children every weekend and didn't have enough control over them.

I couldn't work out what she was saying AT ALL. She said ds2's OT had rung her, she picked up this piece of paper and read from it, 'He said this child has serious co-ordination problems, I told him that was nonsense. I told him all he needs is a calm and organised enviroment.' And then she glared again.

IT IS VERY HARD seeing the wood for the trees on this one. If your child behaves in any way that seems outside the normative framework, you are vulnerable and are open to accusations of bad parenting, I think. And I certainly can't put my hand on my heart and say 'Yes, I am a perfect parent.' BUT then again it isn't all me either, it can't be, but at that moment I'm vulnerable and insecure enough to half-believe her when she says it.

Sorry, long post. Am meaning to be empathetic and understanding, not to whine on about myself.

Blandmum · 17/10/2007 16:25

100x, that is awful!

chocolateteapot · 17/10/2007 16:29

I think it can turn into a vicious circle. If you have a child who behaves a little differently it can cause a huge amount of stress, then the stress can make things worse, and it's this what people outside the situation pick up on, if that makes any sense.

ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 16:33

I know MB, I cried.

She doesn't like me. I know she thinks I'm a bad parent. She used to teach ds1, and I used to get called in all the time and she'd say, 'He must stop telling the others what to do. He's very short tempered. Why is he so tired?' and I'd say, 'Erm, well he reads late at night' and she'd purse her lips at me.

The thing is, they ARE a bit different my ds's. I can see that. And I'm not a perfect parent and then you do start thinking, 'perhaps she's right, it's me, everyone else is doing this perfectly, but I'm not.'

And once you open that Pandora's Box your confidence is knocked and then it's open season. I really understand where Harman is coming from.

ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 16:35

Oh yes chocalateteapot - you've got it, you're absolutely right. It is the stress that is picked up on, and that you then feel and then round and round you go while the horrid teacher takes pot shots at you.

Original poster

harman · 17/10/2007 16:40

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chocolateteapot · 17/10/2007 17:11

Didn't Pinkchampagne have problems with her DS where all the professionals were quite insistent that it was his home situation that was at the root of his problems ? I've lost track of what has happened but I know he was going off for assessment and I got the impression that the message was beginning to get through that there were things over and above what was going on at home.

Harman, what about next time you go to CAHMS putting down on paper all the things that you have noticed DS is struggling with and get them to address each of them in terms from the point of view it is you - if it is presented to you that pencil grip is because you haven't spent enough time doing writing with him, is there another of your childrenwho has had the same amount of attention and breezed through it ? And make the point about how different he has been from the beginning compared to the other 3.

Ahundredtimes, I would point out to that snotty woman that there are quite often sleep disturbances in children who have co-ordination problems and if a professional has said that he has significant difficulties with his co-ordination then he will obviously physically tire more rapidly than other children. How you kept your cool with that sodding woman I have no idea.

I used to think that DH & I were utterly rubbish parents, thought it for ages and ages and so did he. I could never understand why other people seemed to get on with things that we really struggled with. Then DS came along, what a complete and utter doddle he is. We've realised what a bad effect the low underlying stress that we had been under with DD actually was having.

I now think we are actually pretty good parents and do well (not perfectly, but well enough)in the circumstances.

Blandmum · 17/10/2007 17:42

agree with CT you need to write al this stuff down, it is so unfair and so cruel that you are being made to feel in the wrong about this stuff.

Dyspraxia just 'is', you didn't cause his pencuil grip problems. Mt dd swanned through all this stuff and ds has real problems

I'm just so ans on your behalf, all of you!

Original poster

harman · 17/10/2007 17:44

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Blandmum · 17/10/2007 17:45

I think that if things are calmer at home that will be better for you if nothing else, and you deserve some calm for you, as well as the boys.

Blandmum · 17/10/2007 17:46

and I really so sympathise over the whinging. dd used to drive me scatty. and she used to tantrum like you wouldn't believe!

Kaz33 · 17/10/2007 17:47

Harman - with my DS1 who had an atrocious pencil grip he wouldn't even let me correct it and show how to do it properly. I felt at wits my end.

I got help and amongst other things they corrected his pencil grip so was happy to write if you placed the pen in his hand. Then he couldn't pick up the pen and put it in the right place. That was then dealt with.
Dxysprsia tendencies was his diagnosis.

Totally agree with chocolate teapot - its the stress that winds itself around your son, your family and your relationship with him that is almost impossible to unwind.

www.sunflowertrust.org.uk - they helped us, they are a charity so will fund families that need help.

Original poster

harman · 17/10/2007 17:59

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ahundredtimes · 17/10/2007 18:40

dd is lovely, and can hold a pencil and go to sleep and doesn't shout or flap her hands or anything.

I am training her towards perfection in the event of her being in this woman's class in two years time.

Blandmum · 17/10/2007 20:16

100x LOL.

I benefited by having dd first, who, while being a bit of a flake, finds school a doddle!

I've just come from ds's parents evening and all the staff were fab, thank god. All accentuate the positive stuff, and praising ds's hard work and effor, bless him.

One teacher, who's both sons are dyspraxic was bemoaning the fact that her dd, like mine, walzes through schooling, whil eth poor old boys hack away at it!

makes me realise how bloody lucky ds is in his teachers