Toilet accidents at (school) nursery

[RachelSq]

Hi

My LB (3yr3m) started a school nursery last week and has had a wee accident every day and two poo accidents.

At home, he is toilet trained but does always ask to go to the toilet (the toilet was upstairs) and never really got used to using the potty and preferred the toilet.

Nursery has lovely little toilets and you can go without asking, or if you asked you’d obviously be told to go/guided if necessary.

My son just won’t ask!

I’m starting to dread collection because of this and I’m sure the teachers think I didn’t properly train him! It’s been every single day now, and I feel it’s unfair of me to keep expecting them to do this (they are changing him etc) but I have no idea how to help, especially as I can’t go in to talk to him about the toilets and show him it’s ok right now.

Any advice (or consolidators stories!) very welcome...

Honestly in nursery I'd expect them to be taking kids to the toilet. Our school nursery always did that, especially in the first weeks when kids get engrossed in activities and forget they need to go.

I’m sure they are taking them at set times, they will just expect him to ask in between. He’s only been there a week, he’s still settling in and gaining his confidence. Don’t worry the accidents will stop. I work in a school nursery, the staff will see this a lot.

Have you asked the staff to keep asking/reminding him?

After the second accident (day 2) this is what they’ve been doing - taking him fairly regularly, but there’s still accidents.

He’ll also deny having the accidents when he’s had them!

The teacher’s are being lovely about it and I appreciate that they’re not making a big issue of it but fear they will soon!

How often have you found this happens? Is it every year or only some years?

I’m not trying to either normalise this or make a huge issue (it is what it is), but more so understand whether it is likely something the fairly young nursery teacher and assistant will have dealt with before!

They will see it constantly and it’s expected. It’s a part of working in a nursery. Children go in phases too, can have a child dry at just 2 years old yet starts having accidents for a bit when they are 3, 4... It’s pretty common in reception too and many will have been out of nappies for 2-3 years by then. It just happens and will stop, just keep on with gentle reminder about not cutting it too fine with asking or taking himself to the toilet etc. I also find it’s often linked to tiredness too and getting used to the new environment and routine will be tiring for him

Sorry if I sound a bit blasé about it but I have 2 children both out of nappies as soon as they turned 2 yrs but both have accidents from time to time. The oldest has had 3 since being at school, she’s bothered about it but has noticed others have had accidents too, I know both of them fully know what they are supposed to be doing, they are simply accidents. I have nieces and nephews same ages and they are the same, one is worse and nearly 5, and others at school have been the same.

As a parent it can be embarrassing but it is what it is and if you know he’s fine at home it’s nothing you have done and need to remain confident on that when speaking with the staff. We did run into an brief issue with that where nursery thought youngest was always unreliable but I had to be firm with them that it was only when she was with them and miraculously that improved things quickly!

Thanks everyone, whilst it’s awkward to be the parent of ‘that child’ what I’m most concerned about is his welfare.

He’s getting very upset about going in to nursery and I think he’s really anxious about it all - it’s the first thing he asks when he wakes up.

From picking him up to going to bed he is so happy about nursery and chats away about it but a switch flicks overnight.

It’s so hard to watch, but I feel I’m making a rod for my own back if I didn’t make him go as he’d think it was his choice.

I just don’t know what to do for the best, or how long the nursery will tolerate this all!

I'm an early years practitioner working in a school nursery, honestly this is all part of the job. We genuinely do not judge a parent for their dc having accidents. It's completely expected and my own children were no exception. It's a new environment and there are so many children to play with. One thing I will say though is to check with the nursery that they are reminding him (I've worked in places that won't) and build a relationship with his keyworker so they know that you're on board. You should have a care plan meeting within first 28 days so good time to have a chat then. Please don't worry too much, I've got children in my group who are having accidents since returning from lockdown even though they've been with us accident free for over a year.

Just to add, maybe an obvious one but is he wearing clothes that he can pull up and down himself easily? No surer way of guaranteeing an accident than dungarees, belts or skinny jeans.

My middle dc used to come home bursting as they was scared of the toilets at nursery. They were old fashioned with a gap in the front of the toilet seat. She once nipped her leg on them then refused to use them again.

Thanks arewethereyetmum78!

After day two they have been taking him and asking him to try (they checked with me that this was OK at pickup first).

He’s wearing joggers and has absolutely no issue with getting them up/down, the problem seems to be that he’s just wetting himself rather than going to the toilet or even asking.

I think he’s a little overwhelmed by the amount of children around (he’s an only child, hasn’t really been around other children during lockdown and is shy by nature) and is used to being the centre of attention. He always asks us to go to the toilet rather than going independently, but we’re available to ask at all times (whereas I appreciate that the nursery staff have loads more children to look after, and I’ve told him he can go and tell them at any point and they won’t be cross even if they look busy).

I’m just so sad for him and feel guilty ‘dumping the problem’ on the nursery staff.

He’s the most loving and kind boy at home (he often tries to give me the last bit of his treats, is always so happy and eager to please) so the difference is horrible to see every morning.

Although the school can’t send photos during the day they have made sure that the photo updates of him early in the morning playing which do give me some peace of mind that he is happy enough while he is there.

It might help it you could work on him being able to go without asking at home. If it's the stairs that are the problem maybe play upstairs with him for a few hours so he can practice going without asking.

He is not "being that child". Reception and even Y1 teachers will take this sort of thing in their stride. I wonder if he has some anxiety about going to the loo by himself. If so it needs a different way forward from a child who is just having too much fun to ask.

Thanks Murmurur!

We’ve just moved (probably another source of anxiety for our DS) and now have a downstairs toilet so we’re encouraging him to go - he’s still telling us he needs to go, but we’re acknowledging and telling him ‘off you go then’ and he’s mostly managing.

He does hate most public toilets due to the hand dryers which scare him, so I’ve made sure that the nursery staff are aware of that and tell him there is none there.

I applaud the nursery staff in dealing with this (I did not expect them to change him after a poo...) I don’t want this to be his defining point, along with the floods of tears going in each morning!

I really hope he is his sweet, usual self at least some point during the day so that they do see he really is an adorable and kind little boy and is just suffering hugely with all the change.

He sounds lovely, and I'm sure the staff will see that in him irrespective of shyness and the odd accident. He is still really little. If they came fully ready equipped with all their social skills & confidence, they wouldn't need to go to nursery!

It’s definitely putting my mind at rest that it’s not the end of the world that he’s having these accidents, much more important to me is his happiness!

It doesn’t help that although he’s a July birthday he’s the tallest that I’ve seen there he’s a full head taller than some of the other boys) and also very articulate/advanced with numbers and reading so possibly people subconsciously forget he is on the younger side and is a total gentle giant.

Fingers crossed we crack the reluctance going to nursery soon, which will no doubt improve the toilet situation too.

He talks about his teachers happily so I know he has no issue with any of them but he doesn’t seem so keen on other children!

Honestly do not worry.

My son is now 3.5 but started a new nursery at 2.5 after we moved house. We toilet trained him then and he was fine at home but having accidents at nursery. He just didn't feel comfortable weeing there at first. I was really upset as it soon became obvious he was trying to hold his wee all day. Nursery were great and suggested we take his potty for a while until he was comfortable using the toilet (not suggesting this for you! Just to explain the outcome) and the whole thing was solved pretty quickly. So firstly don't worry this will pass and definitely don't worry about the staff, they will not mind at all, it's part of their job and they'll expect a settling in phase as he adjusts.

Re him crying at drop off I know it's really hard but also try not to worry. My son has been in nursery since 1y and also did it at the beginning, it's perfectly normal but he will be fine once you've gone as evidenced by them sending you pictures of him playing happily. My son is really thriving now he's at preschool and I'm sure you'll see the same. Re not having friends amongst the other children this also took my son some time at the new nursery so just give it time