Freaking Out

[DoodleMomma]

Evening all! Going to keep this as brief as possible but would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

Firstly, caveat, appreciate there are greater issues in the World than this so please no judging.

The issue - my eldest DD is due to start school this Sep but we are in the process of relocating (choice between 2 areas, 1hr apart) & haven't chosen a school yet. We have identified 2 locations & a school in each, both private.

Location / School 1 - Registered, visited a few times, fabulous place but not an ideal location for us & is doable financially but right at the top of our budget (half the idea of moving is to live more within means).

Location / School 2 - Not registered, can't visit (was due to just before they closed), on paper looks great but struggling a bit with communication (maybe because of virus, not sure) but location much better for us & fees quite a lot less. The concern is of course we are rocketing towards the Summer holidays now & have very very little time to visit, if that's even possible.

The move is completely dependent on the school we choose. They both go to 13 so it's a huge investment financially but also of course in terms of where we're choosing to raise our family for the foreseeable future. We also have a 1yo & would like to try for a 3rd at some point.

Both locations are 90 mins from where we are now. We also have to move house & everything else as well but we can't even think about that until we have a school decided. DD is desperate to start school & wants to see photos & know her school/teachers name, uniform etc so at the moment we are just saying there are 2 & were not sure.

I guess what I'm wondering is has anyone or would anyone take the punt on a school they haven't seen before under these circumstances? It needs to
be right of course but I also want to get out of this state of flux, having to scour two completely different areas on Rightmove, family questions etc and get some clarity also for our DD so we can start prepping her a little.

Other options are go for the one we haven't seen & move her if it's not right or defer entry to Jan to give more time but neither are really ideal. Wondering if there's another option we haven't considered...?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply

Well obviously times are strange at the moment and it's the Easter holidays but at least in my experience communication from the school did give me a reasonable impression about how interested they were in my child as an individual and how friendly an environment it is so I would be put off by lack of communication (as I say though could be just due to current situation). Since both go to 13 have you got any idea about what the other secondary schools are like in the area? For example if there are grammar schools or selective indies from 11+ do the schools help prepare or advise you for that change (lots of 13+ or all through schools are almost deliberately unhelpful so it's something to watch for). You don't want to be locked in to a certain education system this early when you don't know what your DC will be like (if she's super academic and not sporty a grammar might be great for her).

Are you aware of the financial situation of the schools? Many small indies are in danger of completely folding which would obviously be a bit of an issue once you've moved to a new area. I believe you can request certain financial information about the schools but am not certain and have never done it personally.

Personally I can't imagine moving house and choosing a school without a visit. I also wouldn't assume that just because it's private it's a great school. My DCs go to a prep school and it's wonderful but some are pretty rubbish and in fact much worse than the state options. Small class sizes and pretty buildings aren't enough alone. What can the second school offer you in place of a visit? I would hope for at least a phone call with the head teacher.

Since you'll have at least one other child going through the school you choose I'd make sure it's the kind of school that would suit any type of child sporty/musical/drama/geeky etc and that there's a good choice of secondary options - you might have two or three completely different children who need different types of schools.

If you're comfortable naming the schools you might get specific advice.

Hi @HandfulOfDust, firstly thank you SO much for your reply. My 'brief overview' didn't end up very brief so thanks.

Fantastic suggestions. We hadn't considered much of what you've said. No issues naming the schools. School 1 is Beaudesert Park in Minchinhampton, school 2 is Kitebrook House in Moreton-in-Marsh.

As I mentioned both have very good reviews & feed into the grammar system but yes I'm sure the preference is for children to move onto the big indies if possible. There are obvious choices for senior independents in both areas & good bus routes so big tick there.

It's so hard to know of course what the children will be like in the future. At the moment it's looking like our eldest in more girly, loves her ballet classes, arty stuff etc and our little one (18 mths) is more outgoing. I can image her striding up & down a hockey pitch far more than our eldest but we'll see. Both schools seem to have a really rounded approach. Beaudesert has amazing facilities, we obviously don't know about Kitebrook because we haven't visited & can't really tell from the website or reviews. It sounds like they've recently had a new sports hall but info is limited. Both have a very clear focus on getting the children outdoors, old fashioned values, showing kindness to others etc which is important to us. Both also seem genuinely focused on 'producing' (horrible word) happy children. I have no desire to hot house our children at all, we just want them to have great experiences, opportunities & wonderful memories.

I am hoping the delay in comms is due to the current situation. We did struggle a bit before this happened however with arranging the original visit to KB & I must say it irks me considering the money in question (multiplied by potentially 3!). Also doesn't bode well when trying to sort any concerns long term. I would like an offer of speaking to the Head really. Apparently the registrar will contact me next week so we will see. We have met the Head and his family at Beaudesert & they are so lovely & very approachable, plus the admissions officer is absolutely wonderful. They would be our natural choice but Stroud isn't filling us with excitement as a place to live in comparison to the North Cotswolds & of course there's the higher fees.

I'm also conscious that virtually all the children we met at BP were planning on Marlborough / Radley / Stowe etc as their next stops & although we could manage 'normal' indies for secondary, the top tier is out of the question without financial assistance. A bit worried about most of their friends going that route & ours not being able to.

Generally also a concern about the 'keeping up with the Jones's' thing. We're not a big house & fancy car family. We work extremely hard for what we have & only have one salary now (Covid has wiped our other business irreparably). Although I have a very good job & income I'm also a bit worried about the whole quaffed, white jeans wearing Mummy cliques rampaging around in their SUVs who tend to basically ignore me as I rush in sans makeup stressing about missing my train. I'm not very good at making friends, have a very full on job in financial services & have tried to integrate into these groups in the past but tend to be utterly bemused by the conversations or more likely just stand there saying nothing. I just can't relate at all. In 15 years living here I have 2 friends, 1 is the wife of an extended family member, the other the wife of DHs friend. Would love that to change but just rarely find anyone who's on my wavelength & prepared to admit they struggle coping with being a working Mummy sometimes (most people I know are SAHMs & almost all my colleagues are men / career women who've chosen not to have children). Anyway I digress.

Great point about some state schools being better than preps. We're not particularly pro either way. We chose private because we couldn't register for a state as we don't live there yet & because we both went through the private system but there are some excellent village schools in the areas we're looking, I just don't think we'd qualify unfortunately.

All a bit of a nightmare really. I guess we'll see if I get a call back as promised next week & go from there

Were they bad at communicating before Easter break?

Hi @Chipmonkeypoopoo, tricky. They didn't reply to our initial email until I chased. Apparently the reply had got stuck in the outbox (who knows). We then arranged a visit mid March which they understandable cancelled because they weren't admitting visitors & said they'd be in touch after Easter. To be honest, I didn't even know when the Easter holidays were. I assumed non-teaching staff would still be working (remotely) especially considering the current situation but perhaps not.

I'd say definitely don't take a punt. You have to see the place and meet the staff. I've toured about 6 preps now and none of them felt quite how I expected they would. The lack of communication really put me off one and another felt quite cold and unfriendly to me - which I hadn't expected at all from what I'd heard and read. Surely you can get in to see the other one at some point before she would start? When do you have to confirm for school 1? It's so annoying that the one you like is not the most convenient and is more expensive. I'm finding that none tick all the boxes for my boys though they are a little older than yours. I'm having to decide which compromise to make. Are there any other schools you should consider? Widen the search a tad? All bets are off at the moment so I'm sure you'll find admissions a little more flexible. You'd hope anyway.
I find Twitter a good source of info. See if you can follow the schools and look back through the past pictures and posts.
Also I wouldn't assume anything about your 18 month old. My youngest changed unrecognizably between 18 mths and 4 yrs old! I thought he'd be a right bruiser and really sporty but he's such a sensitive little flower

Thanks @Delta. I am really hoping that they may be available for visits over the summer perhaps considering the situation if they aren't between mid May and July anyway). Obviously wouldn't see the children in action but would get a feel. The more we think about it, I think you're right, definitely can't take a punt. I just can't gamble on something so important. No confirmation on when we have to confirm School 1 as yet. They said June when we last spoke but who knows now. Obviously it's worrying if we can't visit School 2 before we have to make a decision on School 1. Wouldn't want to lose our place at the other one. Does anyone know of anyone who has actually lost their place at an independent school? Presumably that can happen but maybe less likely because of the sums involved? I've no idea.

Also, yes possibly other schools @Delta1. We were originally moving to Cheltenham & were considering Cheltenham College as they go all the way through but I was hugely disappointed for a number of reasons & completely ignored by the Head of the Prep who automatically assumed my DH held the purse strings so out of principle that was a no. No other Prep indies to my knowledge in North Cots. There's also Westonbirt in South Cotswolds but that's starting to go in completely the wrong direction really (family in Worcs).

I’m afraid I can’t help with your actual question but could you start a new thread with the name of the second school as the title to see if anyone with direct experience picks up on it and can advise?

Also I wonder if it is worth exploring the state options in location 2? Local Authorities will be very busy at the moment but soon you’ll be able to find out if anywhere has spaces and what waiting lists are like etc

Isn't that funny re Cheltenham. What a silly way for a prep head to behave. That example is exactly why I wouldn't take the punt though. You already have a niggling doubt about their lack of contact with you - imagine if that continued throughout your time there. I went to see a lovely prep which ticked every box and which had a great reputation. On the tour hardly any teacher acknowledged me in any significant way and at the end, the head's wife came to talk to the admissions lady who'd showed me around (we were getting ready to leave) and she didn't even look at me, let alone say hello. Couldn't believe it.

Oh by the way, re the white jeaned mums - my two pence worth....
I also had a very high pressure job in financial services and was a bit envious of those mums who got to have coffee together and chill out and chat in their little groups! I had visions of how it could be and eventually stopped work. I have had two years of being a school soccer mum now. It couldn't be less like I'd imagined! The mums drive me crazy. They're (mostly) over invested and high maintenance and the class WhatsApp groups bore the pants off me. I'm currently trying to get back into banking

My DC go to a lovely prep. I couldn't visit during term time as we were living at the other end of the country and were only available during a week which happened to be school holidays. The headmistress and another member of staff showed me around and had a long discussion about both my kids (one was only 2 at the time and would just be doing a few mornings in the school nursery). I did find that it gave me a sense of the atmopshere of the school event though the kids weren't there.

@Delta1 I am inclined to agree with you about those mums. I work very flexibly so was thinking I'd be very involved with that stuff but it's really awful.

Perhaps they all secretly hate it too @Why & @Delta1 Glad to hear I'm not the only one though!

@Delta1 Gosh it's so rude isn't it! I'm so glad that you had that time off and then returned to work too, that's exactly what I've done. Partly out of necessity but partly because I just didn't feel like I had a purpose when I wasn't at work & even when I was at home I still didn't fit into any of the Mum groups anyway!

Hi @BlueLadybird, thank you. We actually had a call from school 2 today following the promise at the weekend (via FB) that they would call, so great progress! Am all for giving people a chance if they follow through so we'll see how it progresses.

The state school process absolutely terrifies me. I wouldn't even know where to start & had just assumed we wouldn't get a place anyway because we don't have a local address yet

I’d go for the location you clearly prefer and investigate state schools while getting more info on the prep. Give them a week or so to get into the new term plus the craziness of online teaching then see what can be set up for video meetings. Yours happen all year round so you’ll definitely get a look round.

You don’t sound that keen on the one you’ve registered with tbh and that’s before the higher fees point.

Tours not yours.

Hi @2ndStar, thank you. No issues with the one we've registered with, just the whether we fit in element & higher fees really. More of an increased pressure concern than what the school offers, which is fabulous. I have literally just started looking into state options just in case. Expecting another call tmrw to see what they're able to offer in terms of video call / tour in the summer hols if not feasible before.

I think this is what you’ve mentioned, the first school means not your preferred home location, pushes your house budget, school is more expensive, mainly feeds to schools you wouldn’t consider. That’s quite a lot to balance against liking the school.

I’m not trying to put you off! But if you put all those against the school - what if your DD doesn’t get on well there?

There is a wide destination point for children finishing at KB either onto grammars, state or indie. The admissions process is slow but in our experience the money goes towards fantastic teachers and very low pupil:teacher ratios rather than a massive behind the scenes admin team. It sounds like you caught them in midst of Covid madness so please persevere. Heaps of working families who kiss & drop with great wraparound care 8-6pm. Fantastic dance teacher if your child is into ballet & this is all included.
Blockley & Longborough are lovely village schools, don’t be intimidated by state just phone Glos and see where has spaces.
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