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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

If a child isn't settled at school by Year 1, what would you do?

25 replies

dinny · 05/09/2007 14:14

Apart from speak to teachers/head and rectify situation - dd just hasn't really integrated at school and girls often won't let her play - she has become so quiet at school and says she never feels like smiling.

Would you look for other schools? To make things more complicated we are leaving the area for Sept 09, so that means dd has two years left of schooling up here. my gut instinct is to take her out of the school - am I being rash? thanks, Dinny

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daisyandbabybootoo · 05/09/2007 14:17

your poor DD. How old is she? Is she being bullied, or just ignored because she is so quiet?

I don't have any advice though, just wanted to lend some moral support. It is heaqrtbreaking when your LOs are having their own difficulties.

Wisteria · 05/09/2007 14:20

What does her teacher say about her when you discuss it? Some children do take longer than others to settle in but if you are worried why don't you ask her what she'd like to do and possibly take her to have a look around the alternatives?

You may just have a quiet child who takes a little longer to find her feet. No comfort I know and it is a big worry. Can you try to encourage her to have someone back for tea and help her to find some friends?

LIZS · 05/09/2007 14:20

Found it . Are there any newer ones she can be friendly with ? What does teacher suggest. Can you ask dd to keep at it until half term and you'll review.

Where would you go ? Have you looked at St C's in B or even S N (v popular). I know her friends went in the other direction but it may not be easy to break back in there and have the same ones as before, causing more sadness.

NormaSnorks · 05/09/2007 14:21

Have you established a relationship with the other parents/ had playdates/ met the other girls in the class etc?

I noticed a huge difference in DS's friendships and 'popularity' (wrong word, but I can't find the right one...) after a concerted effort on the socialising front....

Are you leaving the area completely, or could you start her at a new school which she'll continue at after you've moved?

MrsWeasley · 05/09/2007 14:23

Its very hard isnt it? My DD didnt really settle in school until year 3. Speak to the head and see if she can suggest anything. When my DD had trouble with other girls I used to let her come home for lunch, is this possible? It at least took her away from trouble makers and gave her a happy hour.

You could look at another school but girls falling out seem to be a constant factor in most school.

Good luck

Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 14:39

thanks for your replies - I am SO worried as I feel she is not flourishing at her current school.

We are totally leaving the area in two years' time - other end of the country.

I have spoken to her teacher (who is a supply teacher so doesn't know dd at all - she seemed sympathetic but sh only met dd yesterday) also spoke to head informally this am and she was OK - said she'd speak to the class about everyone playing together. dd wasn't quiet at school until her two friends left - she has never quite recovered IMO. have had kids back over the summer and have playdates but all the girls dd likes already have groups, of which the domineering ones won't let dd join

LIZS, I just called the school 'in t'other direction' and head sounds so nice and am going to have a look tomorrow. but I don't know what to do - all I know is I'm not going to sit back and watch her lose more confidence this year thanks for your posts again.

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Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 14:40

oh, and none of the other kids go home for lunch, wouldn't want her to feel different, MrsWeasley.

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sandyballs · 05/09/2007 14:47

So has she just started year 1, this week? If so, you may find things change drastically during the next few weeks. I could have written your post this time last year. DD hated reception, didn't mix, cried every single morning. Me and Dh were so upset by it all and considered changing schools, but were reluctant because her twin had settled in so well. Year 1 was completely different, she really seemed to find her little niche and a couple of good friends. Keep persevering with play dates as well, it does pay off in the end, even if you hate them. Girls can be so nasty to each other, I've been quite shocked at how young the bitchiness/nastiness starts.

Wisteria · 05/09/2007 14:51

This happened to my eldest dd, both her best friends left quite quickly to move to other parts of the country and it devastated her. The only thing I would say is that girls tend to change friends like the weather at this age and so your dd may well benefit from a 'fall-out' elsewhere.

It wouldn't hurt to have a look at the other school though, I understand that the last thing you want to do is to allow your daughter to dislike school and feel unconfident before she moves up. What about getting her into a class on a Saturday morning/ after school - something along the drama/ dance line - this worked wonderfully for my dd1 - she gained a lot from out of school activities.

Talking at the school gates can help a lot too IMO.

fakeblonde · 05/09/2007 17:13

Follow your gut instincts.Your her mum and you know her better than anyone else in the whole world.
Early years are really important for self esteem and confidence ect.
We had this and i so wish i had acted sooner.
It was the hardest decision i had to make in a long while but if after a whole year she`s still not happy and flourishing talk with her and go see some other schools together.
I had more extreme circumstances and my dd is sooo happy at high school.
I let it too late tho and it started just like your dd-wish i had followed my insticts in the first place.Sorry its not an ideal post x

MrsWeasley · 05/09/2007 17:22

I can understand you not wanting to make her feel different but no-one else goes home for lunch in DD's class either and she and they see it as her having a special treat and the other girls cant wait for her to come back at 1 o'clock. It worked for her but I understand that it isnt the solution for everyone.

Good luck

Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 18:21

well, dd says she played alone at lunch again - just can't believe have spoken to the lunchtime superviser AND the head about it and still she played alone.

the school I am seeing tomorrow has a group of 15 Year Ones all spring/summer babies....,.mixed in with 10 reception older children.

just don't know - worried dd is starting to accept it is normal that she has no-one to play with

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amicissima · 05/09/2007 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 18:34

that's the reason I am considering moving here - it's a culture at the school, it seems, they are not supervised or reprimanded at break/lunch

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Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 18:34

sorry, moving HER

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wheresthehamster · 05/09/2007 18:35

Can you lurk near the playground at lunchtime dinny? Just to confirm what your dd says. The reason I say this is because dd3 swore she didn't play with anyone at lunchtime and it turned out the reason she was on her own was because the 'packs' were called in to eat 5 minutes before the 'dinners' and all her friends were 'packs'

wheresthehamster · 05/09/2007 18:37

So she was only on her own for 5 minutes. That's what I meant to say.

Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 18:46

have seen her at parties and a few times and she is often alone

am I taking a crazy risk moving her? well, obv have to look at schools first but the fact she'd be in small class of same-age children is very appealing to me.

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wheresthehamster · 05/09/2007 18:56

It's a horrible feeling I know

Wouldn't the situation just be the same at a different school though? If you think there is a problem because all the girls already have friends this would be the same if she's the new girl at a different school possibly.

Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 19:11

just don't know, WTH! I wonder if it would be different as some schools make more of an effort to integrate the kids. ARGH, such a dilemma!

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SSSandy2 · 05/09/2007 19:32

I would certainly consider moving her. There's no harm in having a good look around at the other options.

Wisteria · 05/09/2007 20:15

This wouldn't have happened at my last dd2's school; I would move her. 2 years doesn't seem a long time to us but for a child it's ages.

Original poster

dinny · 05/09/2007 20:35

that's what I think, it shouldn't happen that she is playing alone at lunchtime.

the school I am looking round tomorrow's headmistress said "that would not happen here".

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Wisteria · 05/09/2007 20:38

At our last school, there' was a 'friendship squad', chosen by an election which consisted of a few people from the older years making sure everyone was ok in the playground, a sort of 'anti-bullying, be nice to each other patrol'. They also alerted teachers to anything which they thought was unusual/ unfair. When I explain it, it sounds a bit 'hitler's spies' like but it worked really well.

NormaSnorks · 05/09/2007 20:44

Yes - I'm afraid I tend to agree - I also think it shouldn't happen.

DS2 started a new school in Year 1 this week (the only 'new boy' in the class). I found out from the other parents that before he went for his 'visit' at the end of last term the teacher had a session with the children about what it must feel like to go to a school where you didn't know anyone/ have any friends, and then got them to think/ draw pictures about what they (the children) could do to help. As a result, DS has almost had the chidlren fighting over him to play with him/ show him things/ go to lunch with him etc. It's really sweet - I just hope it lasts!

But seriously, there are things the school could/ should be doing to help this situation. It sounds as if having a supply teacher is unlikely to be helping the situation either.

I would do two things in parallel:

Keep talking to the current school with suggestions about how they might help 9if they're not making any...)
check out other schools anyway.

Personally I would think it would be better to try to resolve the issue at the current school, rather than move her again, but that could be your back-up option.

Hope it all works out.
x

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