Confidence / fear of failure

[Pitaramus]

My child has a really bright inquisitive mind and I think has great potential to do well at school, particularly with English, maths and science. When he was little it was really obvious that he was a bright child but now he is getting older he is seems very average and I think he is hugely hindered by a lack of confidence and a general fear of failure. For example, if he thinks he’s “rubbish” (his words not mine) at something he won’t give it a go at all and so obviously can’t learn.

He is well behaved and quiet at school (also due to lack of confidence and worry about getting told off) so I think he just coasts along in his comfort zone to the extent that he is not realising his own potential.

The school don’t seem to be doing anything to help him develop more of a “have a go” attitude. I think he will always meet the required standard for the year he is in so they just park him quietly to one side to coast along and the teachers deal with the children who need more help than he does. I think that whilst this is far from ideal it is sort of fair enough given how overworked and underfunded the schools are.

The problem is I’m completely ill equipped to help him with his confidence problems at home as I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve read about the growth mindset / fixed mindset thing which seems spot on. How can I help him develop a growth mindset? Should I be expecting the school to be working on this or am I right in thinking it is unrealistic to expect a state primary to have the time for this kind of problem?

How old is he?

He is 8 but this has been going on since the start of school.

I think keep going with what you're doing. Praise effort and perseverance not outcome or achievement. Do things together but make the focus his interests and enjoyment not what he'll get out of it.

Could you try a new hobby - something like climbing that involves a bit of fear and will give him a sense of having accomplished something.

I agree with Bottle. find something completely removed from academic achievement and help him to develop skills in a new field that will hopefully start to transfer to formal learning. Could be a physical skill , preferably one where there is a good possibility of success and a measureable feedback of improvement , such as climbing as suggested, or could be something like cooking or baking where again it is possible to achieve acceptable results from the outset but where practice improves performance.

Unfortunately the combination of personality traits that most deter learning are a high need to achieve with a strong fear of failure. He needs to learn that not only is it ok to not always come "first" but that failing to do something right can be a valuable part of the learning process.

Get the book You Are Awesome by Matthew Syed. It's fantastic for this sort of issue. I wish I had read it when I was a child.
Growth Mindset is also very helpful - you can google about it.

Why don't you set some high targets for him in one of the subjects and get him to achieve something really significant? Your child might just be realistic - he sees himself as not achieving high enough, which is true?

Agree with Matthew Syed’s books. Also fail at things yourself and show him how to get past it and move on - they need to see it’s ok to not be perfect.

My 9yo dd is just like this and we started taking her to judo. It has been great for her!