Teacher making 10yo DD cry

[bathsh3ba]

I need to hear the possible other side of the story from teachers because at the moment I am so angry I could explode.

My DD10 is in Y6 at a selective private school. She has passed the entrance exam to transfer to the Senior school (it's not automatic), so she must be doing ok but her progress has slowed in Y5 and Y6. In both years she had highly critical teachers who seem to me to focus more on volume of writing and presentation than quality of work. E.g she has been sent home with 'finishing off' which is colouring or sticking in a header: do these things really matter? The two teachers are friends and almost universally unpopular with parents of any but the top performing pupils in the class.

We are waiting on an autism assessment but no IEP or similar as her needs are low level. She is bright but easily distracted, finds organisation hard and has very messy handwriting. She can type fast and produces her best work on a computer.

Her teacher is very critical of her. I get regular emails about her 'lack of work ethic' and how she isn't completing tasks in time and her presentation is poor. There never seems to be any support for her, just criticism. DD complains the teacher is 'mean', she is clearly demotivated.

Eventually I raised my concerns with the new Head (started Sept) and discovered there have been several complaints and the teacher in question is on a performance management plan. The Head is also speaking to SENCo re support for organisation.

Yesterday I get another shirty email about how she doesn't care about finishing work or her presentation which simply isn't true. I then collect DD and DD's friend tells me DD was made to cry in class that day by teacher shouting at her and saying her work is always a complete mess. I confirm with DD, who is in tears when she tells me and said she is 'rubbish at everything'.

One additional factor to note is that DD finds it very unfair the school expect her to work at above her age. (She can do it but her sense of justice is offended).

So I have a meeting with the teacher later this week and the Head is following up the comment. Please help me calm down and figure out how best to approach this with the teacher!

How unprofessional of the HT to tell you there have been complaints about a member of her staff. Totally unacceptable tittle tattle from someone who, in her position, should know better. I hope the teachers she is gossiping about with parents find out what she's doing and take her to the (disciplinary) cleaners because she should be suspended for what she's done.
That would be another nail in the coffin of what sounds like a dreadfully managed school.
What has the teacher said at parents' evenings etc when you've asked how your daughter could be helped with her lack of "work ethic" (presuming that means lack of focus, inability to concentrate, not managing to produce the required amount of work at the required level for her age)
What has s/he said about the downturn over the last two years? If it's been going on for two years then presumably this has t come out of the blue to you?

I'd be questioning whether you really want your DD to stay at this school. Anyone can have one teacher they don't click with, but to have 2 with high expectations suggests that it may be the school's expectations and not the teachers, per se. And the pastoral care seems rubbish.

Odd that you state DD finds it unfair that she's expected to work above her age expectations. That's pretty much normal for selective schools! Maybe she'd be better in a less pressurised environment?

Ironically the Senior School is much less pressured than the Junior. I have an older DD there. I'm confident my DD will be ok once she gets to Senior if I can get her through the rest of this year with her self esteem intact.

She works at the appropriate level but if the task is writing she writes less than they expect her to write and she often doesn't finish reading comprehension. She is good at Maths and oral French and Chinese. She is easily distracted and she can't write neatly and fast so she either writes messily or writes neatly but very little.

I mainly want advice on how to approach this in the teacher meeting?

Ask the teacher for strategies to help your dd speed up.
You need to find out why she can’t finish the work in the time available. Either she’s working really hard but slowly therefore may need to prioritise longer tasks or she’s getting distracted so needs to focus/remove distractions.
As for messy writing- has she worked on improving her handwriting? Have you asked if she can use a laptop for writing tasks (I have several students who always use laptops because their writing is so bad).

You sound like you have decided that the teacher is wrong and are not willing to listen to her professional opinion. If this is the case then you either need to change or remove your dd. Don’t try to tell the teacher how to do her job.

Is your DD hyper mobile at all?? She sounds very like mine who has hyper mobile Ehlers Danlos. She couldn't write fast or neatly due to painful bendy hands. With a keyboard she is free to perform as she really can. The years before the keyboard & diagnosis crushed her confidence so badly, she also had a shit teacher just like this & she gave up that subject after GCSEs as she was turned off it that much by this teacher, despite the fact she was considered gifted. 7 fold more likely to be autism with hEDS too

I did tackle the teacher in question who turned out to be an all round nasty. Manipulative bitch. Totally different person when the HT was there, actually snarled at me that she had 30 DCs to get through SATs & my little precious wasn't her priority. She was visibly gloating 😏 we had to remove DD from the school in year 6 as DD was on the verge of a breakdown

No advice, bar get your DD checked for hEDS & push fir a keyboard at all times. This made a huge difference to my DDs performance & therefore confidence in school. Good luck

I can’t believe the head told you there have been other complaints and that this teacher is on a plan. That is so totally unprofessional it’s shocking. I’d run far away from this school!

I would ask the teacher what she expects to achieve by belittling your daughter in front of the class, systematically destroying her confidence and self esteem and consistently telling tales to you about your child having the same issue daily.

There has been no comment at any point that the issue is a result of her messing about, chatting or distracting her peers so the issue is in class and you are yet to see a positive comment from the teacher or a plan of how DD can be helped to progress. All you have experienced would generously referred to as consistent nitpicking or more realistically, bullying of a child by a grown adult.

That'll put em in a spin.

I'd meet the teacher and discuss face to face rather than exchanging emails...

You need to get this moved to the SN section OP. Dd should have an IEP and should be supported by Senco and Teacher. Instead of criticism and making her cry.

You need to push harder and make sure they are all doing their jobs properly.

Hmm- I think there is no possible justification for what the teacher has done, and I think its really appalling.

However, going on the attack rarely resolves things and could make things worse for your DD. In the meeting with the teacher, I'd try to explain that the current approach has been making things worse as your DD doesn't respond well to it (rather than its wrong or wicked per se which it is!). Then try to explore other ways to support your daughter in a collaborative way, where you are both working together to come up with ideas - don't tell the teacher what to do-- and make it clear you are happy to do whatever is necessary at home to reinforce the plan.

Personally, if I didn't see an immediate improvement based on action from the Head and this follow up conversation with the teacher, I would seriously consider moving my DD to another class.

Good luck, its a difficult situation.

I think it is totally unprofessional of the head to tell you that the teacher is on a performance management plan. Shocking in fact.

I would also be asking if it is possible to see the work completed in class by other students so you can see for yourself how much/little your DD does in comparison.

What did your DD's year 5 teacher say? The pressure on year 6 teachers is immense. I think a lot of parents would be shocked at children in primary schools in terms of what they can get done and what they actually get done. Work should be differentiated so they are asking your DD to complete work within her ability. However she will sit the same SATs test as everyone else.

The teacher sounds terrible OP. My eldest sounds similar - his presentation is terrible and his teachers have been amazing at encouraging him and it's really paid off. I would definitely be getting more input from the SENCO and insisting on a plan in place immediately to help raise DD's confidence at school. Every time you get an email I'd respond politely but assertively and honestly that in fact DD is very concerned with her work and is suffering from low confidence she needs positive reinforcement and help not constant criticism.

And you are paying for this? Sounds like a very poorly managed school. Just go in, explain why you are both unhappy and discuss the way forward from here until you can agree on a plan.

@bathsh3ba we had exactly the same issues that you raise in terms of DS's work at school - easily distracted, lack of volume, poor writing etc. He had an Ed Psch report last week and ability wise he is very high but he has processing difficulties and will now have extra time in exams from this point. It may be that your assessment should throw this up? It means that he shouldn't be assessed on volume and sometimes should be given less volume but equal academic demand. Maybe ensure you have an excellent Ed Psych assessment. Ours was able to gather very strong evidence and his profile showed this disparity very clearly. Looking back it must have been very hard for DS and he has an overly negative perspective on his own ability because too much focus has been placed on volume and presentation. We also realised a couple of years ago that he had significant sight problems that hadn't been picked up. It can't have helped his ability to write neatly! I'm just writing this in case there is any possibility of either of these issues contributing in your case. Once she has a report the school and more importantly this teacher, will have to adjust to meet her needs. Wishing you luck.

You cannot send your child to a super selective school and then moan about the fact that their academic standards are high.

And the head sounds dreadful

Also absolutely appalled that a headteacher would share private performance issue details about a member of staff with a parent. Never heard this happening before.

I think tell the teacher that your priority is your daughter is happy and not to bother pulling her up for poor work and concentration just to keep everything really positive and focus her attention on other children whose parents are more supportive.

1. Meet with the teacher and ask how they intend to help your dd constructively. Explain that her methods to date are simply making dd more anxious and stressed and leading to a downward spiral. Suggest things you think might help eg the computer or focusing on one objective at a time (so either volume or neatness for example).

1. Write a letter to the board complaining about the ht’s lack of professionalism. He should not have told you anything about the teacher and disciplinary actions. It seems he was too busy telling you this than actually looking at ways to move forward in your situation.

You could talk her through all the work you do at home to help her speed up her writing (little timed copying tasks etc) and ask if there’s anything more you could be doing.

Or just keep complaining of course.

Ask for the SENCo to also attend the meeting as your DD is being assessed for autism.
Take a friend with you for moral support.
Write down what you want to discuss/ questions you want to ask and take this with you. If you like you can email this to the SENCo beforehand so that they can consider the points in advance.
Begin by reminding them that your DD is under an autism assessment.
Share information from NAS re how autism can manifest in the classroom
www.autism.org.uk/professionals/teachers/classroom.aspx
State that DD may be very able but she does need an IEP due to her social communication needs because regardless of whether she does get the diagnosis or not, she must have social communication needs for them to look at autism in the first place.
Say that the most important thing is DD's happiness and mental health. That her self esteem is declining. Ask what they will do as a school to build up her self esteem. Ask how important presentation is in the current world of computers.
Talk about the importance of quality rather than quantity.
Suggest an Ed Psych see her.
State that autism presents very differently in girls
www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/gender/stories.aspx
Suggest a review date of a few weeks time to see how things are going.
Then afterwards chat with your friend about how they felt the meeting went and if they felt the staff were open and receptive.
Good luck OP

We did the above for a few cycles with DS and finally moved him as the school didn't get it and he was extremely unhappy. He loves his new school and is thriving.

Being a selective school doesn't necessarily mean they'll have poor teaching and terrible pastoral care so don't just accept it. I would seriously consider whether it's the right school though.

I agree with comments advising running as far away from school as possible if a HT is disclosing confidential information regardi g other staff members. S/he had no right to tell you that and this has just made a situation which could have been resolved into a much more serious one.

Sod that. I’d be moving school. My dc attend an amazing state school.

As a teacher, I would tell a child if I thought they hadn’t made their best effort with presentation or ask them to try to present their next piece of work more carefully. However, I would never tell a child that their work is “always a complete mess” especially if I knew that child was having difficulties that were being looked into.

This smacks of the teacher being scrutinized with book looks etc, and them panicking that your DD is 'letting the side down' by her book not looking spot-on.
Where's the care for your daughter? She's only 10.