Are you my best friend?

[Whatnow32]

My almost five year old is in reception. She's forever telling me she asked people if they were her best friend and they said no. She also tells me they don't want to be her best friend.

She's fairly shy but is finding her feet. Some of the kids already are besties with kids who's mums are friends and walk together.

Today after school we were walking and she decided to speak to a girl on her class. This girl was with another girl from the class and one older girl and three adults. My daughter said Ella. The little girl snapped what at my daughter. My daughter said are you my best friend. This girl just shouted no and looked genuinely pissed off at my daughter. My daughter's face dropped and she kept turning round to look at her confused.

I have tried to tell her this best friend thing is silly and she needs to just find friends. She doesn't need a best friend etc. It's like she thinks you need to agree to be besties

When we got half way down the road the girls just ran past her and ignored her. I thought it was sad that the first time I've seen her talk to a class mate she was rejected.

I hope this passes as I fear she's driving people mad asking. Like I say alot of them are paired off with long term friends.

Awww it will pass.
Young children are often mean to each other one minute and then best friends the next minute!
I think you're doing the exact right thing just by telling her she doesn't need a best friend and just lots of friends.
Has she got friends to play with on the playground? As long as she is enjoying school and is happy I would try not to worry too much.

Hi, thanks for your reply. Yeah she always says she has played with people. She does hang about with a boy she's known from being tiny too. It just was sad to see it. But if shes doing it all the time she's going to keep getting rejected. Hopefully she will remember my advice to just ask if people want to be friends or play. Such a tricky age lol

My ds is the same and also in reception. He does actually have a 'best friend' at school but he uses the term 'best friend' instead of just 'friend' whenever he meets / plays with other children. I tell him the same as you tell your lo, to just work on being friends first but I think he's too young to really get the difference between friends and best friends. It sounds so full on to us as adults but I think it's really common for little kids and It's all part of navigating social situations and friendships. They have to learn the same as with everything else.

This is an interesting thread and it must have been hard to see that.

I try to discourage the idea of "best friends" - just because I sometimes think it implies exclusivity. All the children in my daughter's class are friends and some are really close friends.

My son went through a phase of saying X is my best friend, Y is my second best friend and Z is my third best friend, which I also asked him to stop - mainly because Y and Z are really good friends but hearing that they're second / third best isn't going to make them feel good.

Is it worth asking the teacher to have a chat with the class about friendship?

I'm glad it's not just me. I want her to understand she doesn't need to focus on finding one close friend. That will come naturally afterall. It all feels very silly and selfish at this age. Often hear her saying things that sound like she's been snubbed and I think I hope she's not the kid people find irritating. Hopefully it's just a general thing.

The boy she plays with often hogs her and visa versa too. She gets invited to parties that he doesn't. She says she's not going if he isn't. I have to explain all that to her too. I absolutely agree it's all part of the learning process. Hopefully year one is a little better. It doesn't really matter but it's a shame the little girls mum didn't say to her daughter be nice or something. I always try and remind mine to use kind words and not be rude to people. I definitely think kids try and get in pairs and then they can naturally refuse entry of others lol.

Best friend is definitely overated lol!

IME schools tend to discourage the best friend thing in favour of a more optimistic "we're all friends" so I'd be surprised if she doesn't drop it soon.

If she constantly asks people if they are her best friend I'm not surprised the other girl snapped at her. Yes, it would have been lovely if she'd said "no, i'm not your best friend, but I am your friend and I wish you'd stop asking me to be your best friends because it's getting a little bit annoying" in an empathetic way, but really I think that's beyond most 5 year olds. I don't think the mum did anything wrong by not saying anything; you need to let your DC find their own feet and friends and saying "no" to your daughter's question wasn't really unkind in 5 year old world.