No one wants to play with DS aged 7.

[Bugaboom]

School broke up yesterday and last night my DS (7) who is year 3 cried himself to sleep because no one wants to play with him at school. He has one very close friend who was off sick this week and as a result he had no one at breaks. I've chatted to him a few times about whether him and this other boy play with others and it sounds like his friend does have other friends but my DS doesn't. His friend often has clubs at lunch time so he can't always play with him.
He tells me a lot of the others play games which he thinks aren't allowed like It and Bulldog. I'm not sure he's right with the rules, so if they're all playing it I suggested he joins in. Even then he said they don't let him and he doesn't want to get into trouble if the teacher sees them.

He has spent playtime this week walking around on his own. He's never been into the same things as other kids in his class and tends to get really into one thing (currently Pokemon). He's the youngest. He started going to football club after school about a year ago and enjoys it but isn't very good, so often they don't let him play at lunchtime.

He's told me this morning he would like me to speak to the teacher so I'll do that straight after the holidays. Any tips or advice?

What does he wish you to speak to the teacher about? What does he think the teacher can do?

I'd be concerned about his desire to stick to the rules to the extreme extent he will isolate himself, and his deep fear of getting into trouble.

I think I'd talk to him about that, try to help him relax. Of course he shouldn't break rules, or willingly get into trouble, but he needs to learn to understand balance, where he doesn't damage himself as he is doing.

Definitely speak to the teacher and then follow up with the teacher every few days for a week or so.

Can you organise anything on his behalf over Christmas? Are there any parents you are friendly with at the gates?

Yes we had a few people over this week including a girl from his class and boys from others years. They had a great time. I'm friendly with a few parents, not all from his year and whenever we meet up he has a great time.

Bluntness we have talked to him about this. Last year he got a detention for playing tag. (Although he seemed quite proud of that!). I spoke to the teacher about the rule because I'd never heard of anything so ridiculous as catching games being banned but apparently it had got out of hand and too rough. It seems now that it is sometimes banned and sometines not. But DS doesn't want to play as it sounds like it is rougher now than it was. Some of the boys in his class have been I'm trouble this year for fighting during breaks which often starts with these games.

It's unlikely that a big game like that is going on when it's banned. So it probably isn't. If he's rain on their parade by telling them they shouldn't play it then their natural response would be to tell him not to play.

Children often can't compromise on what they want to do with their playtime and this can lead to the idea that nobody wants to play with them when in reality it's 'nobody wants to play what I want to play.' Pokémon is very popular generally so could it be he's unable to bend with how it's played?

I cross-posted with you there and it's understandable why he wouldn't want to play in those circumstances.

It's a good idea to talk to the teacher who will be familiar with how your son is in the class and school environment. S/he might have some insight and ideas or strategies for you to use to help your son develop the skills in making friends and strengthening his social development. It's heartbreaking as a parent to see your child hurting. Poor thing. Give him lots of hugs.

What do you plan to say to the teacher? What do you expect her to do?

He's not the rain on their parade/ telling type at all. That's one of the things I said to him that if half the class is playing it surely can't be banned. So that's one reason I want to speak to teacher to clarify what's going on.
I take your point about compromising on what he wants to play. His class have always been big into Marvel which DS has never been bothered with but it was never an issue at playtime in younger years. And now they're all in football, following teams etc.

Sorry quillbill cross posted again!

**What does he wish you to speak to the teacher about? What does he think the teacher can do?

This is actually very much a part of the teacher’s job so I think talking to the teacher is sound advice.

The school probably have social skills and friendship group type interventions so they may be able to slot him in to some of these in order to support him.
Also maybe talk to the teacher together and try to get a clearer idea of which games are banned and why. Tag can easily get out of hand and end up with children getting pushed over or hurt, which is why they’ll sometimes ban it for a couple of days to encourage the children to play other games.
Also, could you encourage him to go to some lunchtime clubs too? They can be helpful for those children who struggle with the social side of the school day. Good luck and I hope he cheers up over Christmas.

Y3 has been hard some have really grown up.

Do you see any kids he could gel with. Do you think they find him immature/silly just prefer the older kids?
Dc1 (7) is struggling her friend grew up during yr2/3 and dc just hasnt found that 1 friend again.
Being summer i think socially would fit better in yr below unfortunately as there is only really one other similar and they just get silly together and dc into trouble.

How young is he? Would going down a year be better where he might fit in more if he is struggling with social skills.

Some schools have things like sports buddies who will look out for children who seem to be left out of games and play with them. Check with the teacher whether they have something similar and if they don't ask what happens with children who struggle to play with others

Thanks for all the replies. Going down a year not an option. I think year 3 is a real transition point. He used to play with kids in year below but now they have separate playgrounds as he is key stage 2.
I will look at the different lunch time clubs too. And I think he's really over tired with the end of term so hopefully the break will help.
His teacher has been great at building his confidence in the classroom so I'm hopeful she might have some good suggestions.

Awkward1 hope your DC finds her way soon too.

It sound as if a lot of the boys in his class are quite rough and that doesn't suit your ds. In addition to asking the teacher about lunchtime clubs/friendship support, it might be worth asking your ds if there are any of the girls that he gets on with and then encouraging him to develop these friendships.

that sounds unusual in primary school most kids are too young to form long seated dislikes of each other, so even if they fall out at break they're often playing together by lunch.

Of course occasionally like adults some just clash on a personal level and never get on but thats usually one or two children max not a whole school bar one.

is there not a buddy bench he can use? through using one he might bond with children in another year.