Slightly unhappy in a good school but very happy in a crap school

[derbygirl24]

What would you do? My dd has just moved schools. She is a different child, more withdrawn and sullen. But is learning so much more and seems ok on the whole, but definately is unhappier.

So my question is would you rather:

A) a child who is ok but not entirely happy in a good school

B) a child who LOVES school but the standards are very low

Love to hear your answers....

Impossible to answer without knowing all the ins and outs and also why she's withdrawn and sullen.

Although I will say that kids tend to learn best when they are happy.

Can you 'top up' with a tutor if she goes to School B?

Why is she unhappy? If she's missing her friends, then she will probably make new ones in due course.

What were the reasons for moving?
I wouldn’t want my child to go to a ‘crap’ school but how are you judging the crappiness of the school?
My dcs school doesn’t do brilliantly according to league tables, but it’s a fab school and I’ve never considered moving them to the outstanding school that comes top in the area for SATs.

If shes just moved then give her some time to settle in.

How old? How are you judging "crap" and "good"? Why is she unhappy?

She does need more time to adjust, but, having been there, I'd say that being happy at school is massively underrated.

Thanks all for replies. Yes, that was pretty vague of me!
My dd is a bright, aritculate 6 year old, very interested in science and how things work, yet cannot write well at all and her reading is way behind what she should be. We have done all that the literature says on the topic but she is very reticent to read and write. However, her school reports have been glowing and is considered one of top in her class (in her old school). They used to watch Cbeebies ever day at school and TV/ computers are heavily used. No homework.
New school: on first day I saw an immediate improvement, more traditional way of learning, she was complaining of having to do much more writing and sitting down and actual work etc. BUT also saying that the children have been mean from day one, laughing and making fun of her. She has made friends, but I get the impression its a much more bitchy atmosphere.

Maybe a top up with tutors in the old school, but I hate to think she’ll not achieve her potential there.

No possibility of another school without selling our house. We’ve just moved in!

What would you do? A or B xx

PS i do agree with a lot of what everyone has said- I’ve always been big on being settled as I was bullied...

So if she's 6, she's just moved into Year 2? There is more sitting down and writing generally in Year 2, so you might well have seen a difference even if you'd stayed at the other school. Plus a lot of 6 year olds are not so keen on reading and writing! What are the school's SATS results like (relative to intake)?

Have you spoken to the school about the children laughing at her/bitchy atmosphere?

I'd maybe give her a few more weeks to see if she settles down, but personally I'd favour her original school. It's much easier to fill gaps in her learning (if there are any) than rebuild a child's self esteem and self confidence.

Having been there with my DD I would go for happiness every single time.

Her mental health is more important imo. From the sounds of things she was doing just fine in her old school. I’d expect her learning to eventually become affected if her stress levels stay so high

I would prefer my children to be somewhere they were happy. Saying that, I do think it takes awhile to settle in. Does she have any friends? Can you maybe set up some play dates or something and see if that helps?

No homework is a good thing theres no evidence it helps in primary school.

What support was she getting with her reading . School A sounds pretty bad tbh. Inwpuldnt he happy with tv every day.

What are they bullying her about at school b? If its cos shes behind then that's not gonna get better moving her back she will still be behind.

Are there ant other options ?

I think what you will find is that her new school is more demanding. If you read reports from Ofsted where schools are RI or worse, a common problem is lack of expectation from teachers and lack of planning work to build up from knowledge already gained. Homework should be reading and perhaps some other areas where she needs to practice.

If her old school was laid back in Y1, she’s now finding there is a big step up to y2. Most DC notice the difference from YR to y1. Y2 is late to be more formal.

I would suggest her first school didn’t have many bright DC, didn’t evaluate her attainment effectively or accurately and didn’t plan work for her needs. So you may well be correct: crap.

Broadly I’d go for happiness every time, but given you have moved her and she doesn’t seem to be desperately unhappy, I definitely wouldn’t be considering moving her back again. Adjustments can be tricky sometimes, and sometimes the best we can do is give them the reassurance and the tools to cope with it, I think.

(Not a teacher-) TV every day sounds a bit crap, but no homework sounds evidence-based actually. ‘Not stretching the more abl children’ seems to be a common complaint about otherwise-pretty-good schools where I am - it’s obviously not ideal, especially for those children affected, but it seems like not the worst shortcoming to have. I’m much more interested in whether children are nurtured, enabled to feel competent and confident, taught to be kind. Yes also stretched academically, from whatever level they currently are at, but it’s much easier to find ways of stretching them at home / catch up later with the academic stuff, than it is to make up the emotional damage of being unhappy and unsupported at school, IMO.

Able children really should be stretched! It’s not ok to leave it up to parents who may have no time and not be capable. This is a classic reason why poorer children or those from deprived backgrounds do less well. The fact they are bright isn’t even recognised! It’s vital their needs are recognised and upon. It is one of the most insidious things a school can do and it greatly affects life chances. Way more than not quite nurturing enough! Most Parents really can instil confidence and nurture!

Most Parents really can instil confidence and nurture!

Not to the extent that it compensates for a young child’s emotional needs not being acknowledged or met during the ~30 hours a week they are away from their parents and the school stands in loco parentis, IMO. I’m not at all saying it’s fine to have low expectations, but in a Maslovian sense I think a child who is feeling persistently unhappy at school is not in a position to learn well, and will quickly be turned off education altogether.

We moved our daughter from an average school with huge class sizes to a very well regarded school with small class sizes. She was miserable in the latter so we moved her back to the original school after a term. We have a tutor once a week for her now. For me it was a no brainer and it was the biggest relief but her Dad still feels like he would prefer her to have better academic opportunities. We did try to get the more academic school to support her more pastorally but they weren’t very interested. They were shocked when we took her out.

It's an adjustment period. My DD had the same in her same school, when she moved up to the next year first month of school she was not happy because the expectations were higher. Then she settled down and is doing fine now.

Your Y2 child should be working on reading and writing, if her old school doesn't offer that then it's unsuitable short of SEN issues.

Oh your poor dd. That is a hard choice.

I would be inclined to leave her at her new school and be proactive in nurturing friendships and talk the teacher about the unkindness that she has experienced. It is early days so hopefully she will adjust and become happier.

I would give it some more time in order to settle in at her new school. If the old school was as bad as it sounds, it could be that she is experiencing some anxiety about the higher expectations as well. You say she was considered as top of her class and yet she struggles with writing and reading. It could be that she has now seen that other children are doing well/better in these areas and it might has caused some distress in addition to the new environment and being the new kid in the class. Speak to the teacher and see if they can encourage other children to include her in their games. I would also try and arrange some play dates so that she can get to know the other children. Give it time, OP, it's all very new and different for her but I would try and stick it out for a bit to see if things improve for the sake of her education. If things really do not improve in a few weeks/months time I will then think of other options.

Happiness every single time.

I was in a situation 5 years ago when ds ( now 16 ) was in year 7 at a “good school” where he was badly bullied and resulted in me removing him as the school were awful about it.

There was a few choices of schools. The one he wanted to go to was bottom of my list. He had 3 friends there from primary but it was doing badly.
I ended up sending him there and it was the best decision I made. So completely different circumstances op but ultimately we want our children to be happy.
You absolutely cannot put a price on mental health and the importance of wanting to go to school.

Things can be taught such as reading and writing.
Happiness can’t be taught.

The school actually ended up turning itself around with a new head and ds received amazing GCSE grades.

Go with your gut instinct. Good luck

Really great replies! Thanks all. Interesting that some of you have had this dilemma too. I think my husband and I are going to just assess and see, I agree that mental health is priceless, so if she doesnt settle or I feel the atmosphere isnt good in terms of her peers, will move her back. We live very locally to friends and both schools, so will nuture relationships from new and keep up some from old. I agree with those who have said that happiness is the most important thing, I just wanted to give her the right start academically...

Thanks again everyone!! 👍

Moved DD for start of Yr 3 so slightly after you. Took her a good 12 months to settle into a school with smaller class sizes and she moved from single sex to co-ed. I thought co-ed would really suit her but the 2nd school was ironically much poorer on managing girls and their cliquey behaviour. So she moved schools, had some low level mocking and was diagnosed as dyslexic at the same time. It put some lovely rose tinted glasses on her old school for her.

It's worth considering that if your daughter has any learning issues as she gets older it will be harder for her to hide them [via her brightness]. As they start to do more written work and are taught in a less interactive /play setting any issues start to become more evident. It's probably not that, but worth keeping an eye and giving her time to settle in.

Thanks, TreadSoftly... Yes, I have looked up dyslexia as a possibility, so I am keeping an eye, although we made a concerted effort when we realised how poor her writing was and she leapt a bit in terms of ability. So, we’ll see. Thanks for pointing that out and sharing your experience