Reception, struggling to settle at drop off and pick up

[SimonJT]

My son (turned 4 in June) started reception at the start of September, he had previously attended the on site pre-school for 18 months for four full days a week with breakfast and after school club on those days.

He is adopted and he has a minor hearing impairment and a minor physical disability, he has so far exceeded all milestones for his age in language etc. So despite the milestones there are clearly additonal issues.

I know it’s still early days, but he is finding it very hard to settle in. We walk to school everyday and he is inconsolable the whole way, I sometimes have to physically carry him. Once at school I tell him I love him, I’ll see him after school and make sure I don’t make a fuss. He is sometimes taking an hour to calm down at school, I have had to collect him early three times as he has been crying so much he has been sick.

When he does settle he joins in with everything, socialises at break times etc.

At pick up as soon as he sees/hears me he is again unconsolable until we leave the school site, when he then starts calming down and is usually okay by the time we get home/to the park.

I know it isn’t unusual for an adopted child, but he has always handled transitions so well, we didn’t have a single niggle when he started nursery/pre-school, he happily has the odd babysitter, he sleeps at my cousins once a month and is sometimes dropped off and left at weekend activities. So he is used to saying goodbye to me and knowing I am coming back.

He has theraplay once a week and I do daily theraplay things at home. When he does talk about school it is a mix of good and bad, with mainly good, which you would expect. He was really excited on Tuesday as he knew his teachers birthday was the next day so he made her a card before dinner, so he does have some positive views of school. In the morning he is always excited to go to school until we leave the flat.

Post adoption support isn’t an option at the moment as he doesn’t currently meet the criteria from the LA he was adopted from.

I wasn’t expecting an easy start to school, but it’s the completely different reaction compared to nursery etc.

I'm not too sure of this applies with your situation. But I work in a nursery and the parents who linger and pick up and make a fuss, their children take longer to settle in. The ones who drop them off, give a quick kiss say goodbye and walk away, their children settle in quicker. If he is throwing up from crying as opposed to being ill I wouldn't pick him up early as he might see it as a way to get picked up early. I would also ask the school how they normally settle children in as he is still in the EYFS.

Drop off takes a maximum of a couple of minutes, anymore and I would be late for work. Schools policy is that children who vomit have to be collected, despite knowinf he isn’t actually ill/catching.

Are they making you oeave him off the 48h too. !!?
I think school is very different and comparitively very strict.
What was his previous ratio, as it could have been 1:15 or 1:8.
Could you reduce the hours a bit as he could be getting overtired and that's why he doesnt want to go.
But i think they often dont like reception. My lg didnt like it after liking preschool.
Could it be the hearing (mine had had a lot of ear infections)?

Is there an adoption board on here? I think specific guidance from those who know about adoption is key really.

Ask for a meeting or phone call with his teacher and come up with a plan. It is early days but as you say, this is different to his normal reaction and with his history, it's absolutely right to be proactive. For example could he have a routine of be handed over to the TA or having first dibs on an activity he particularly loves? My son used to go in an have a love-in with a giant sand timer every morning! But the teacher may well have their own ideas.

Also maybe consider if there might be some sensory overload going on with it being 30 children and parents in a small space - I don't know much about this but I think noise can be difficult for children with hearing loss especially if they use hearing aids. Going somewhere quiet like the library, or using ear defenders, might help the transition. Maybe it is a developmental stage as he is getting more attached to you, but it is worth trying ruling out stuff you can alleviate if possible.

It might be worth involving the SENCo too.

If he is just utterly exhausted then a day off might turn the corner.

Get him to write a note or letter or draw a picture to show his teacher so he can go in with something to remember each day.

Does he have something small in his pocket to remind him of home? Or a tissue with your perfume?

I have no experience with adoption but wondered if visual timetables might help?

And I would definitely involve the senco. It might be that providing him with a safe space to calm down away from the children might help.

My daughter has sensory difficulties, anxiety and possibly a form of asd called pathalogical demand avoidance and she can become very overwhelmed with anxiety as we go to something, even if it's something she's looking forward to. We have to do lots of reassurance and explanations, over and over. Then when we arrive the noise, smells, etc can create a meltdown situation where she just needs to be removed or distracted depending on severity.

I realise this might not be the same thing but it's worth asking the senco if they can try calm down tactics to assist you in leaving (particularly 1:1 care at drop off while he's struggling).

Greentulips yes that reminds me, you can also get a funky button, or a ribbon, and sew it into a pocket or sleeve as a sort of secret talisman to remind him of you. But OP do sit down with the adults in school, you don't have to solve it all yourself.

I agree he could just be completely overwhelmed. Could you try an early drop off and early pick up? I know children who have struggled to settle or have had some SEN/issues and have become a 'helper', they go in 10 minutes early to help the teacher set up for the day. Just means they aren't part of the playground hustle and bustle and have a smoother start to the day. May be something you could discuss with the school/teacher.

@Awkward1 Thankfully they only do 24 hours if it is only sickness, but that’s still stupid in my eyes. His ratio at pre-school was 1:15, his reception class is almost the same size as his pre-school class (four extra children) and has a higher staff to student ratio.

If I reduced his hours he would then be placed with a childminder, so another new person and another new setting.

@matchamuffin It’s actually quieter than his pre-school class and far less crowded. Frustratingly the SENDCo left over summer and he is yet to be replaced. The school have generally been a bit shit so far, his teacher seems nice but it’s clear that the class TA isn’t very effective and hasn’t really got a lot of info about the students/isn’t using provided info, a prime example was the TA writing mummy on a card he made in the first week, the teacher admitted that MiniSJT had tried to correct the TA who insisted it needed to have mummy on. Oddly enough said TA has now been removed from his class. The replacement one doesn’t seem much better.

@GreenTulips He often takes her things in, a few days ago he took her a snot smeared drawing of the cat, poor teacher. He always has a little traditional fabric bracelet and a beanie hat in his bag, he also took them to pre-school.

@saywhatwhatnow I think I was typing when you posted. He does have an early drop off as he does before school club, in the EYFS breakfast club there are 4-5 other children depending on the day. He can’t have an early pick up as I would need to find a childminder who can do it, so that would be another new person taking him to another new place. I don’t work Fridays so he has a normal pick up them instead of going to after school club.