I’m so sick of the other mums

[Anon211333]

Child just started reception. A group messaging thing was set up for us to get to know each other. At first was nice listening to them (for like 2 days) but now it’s a constant moaning and groaning platform. They are getting on my nerves. I don’t look at my phone all day as I’m working so after work there are so many messages. It panics me because I straight away think “gosh what’s happened” but then it’s the same bloody drivel after drivel moaning about the school. There has never been a good word said just complaint after complaint. They wind each other up and cause more and more drama. I absolutely hate them.

I was looking so forward to my child going to school and I thought we could start mums nights out etc. But I honestly don’t even want to be around here people. I can’t exit the group as I feel this will look immature and if there is ever something important discussed I will miss it. I work full time so don’t want to risk missing something. They are causing me to worry and doubt if my child is safe. I know my child is safe but your mind just goes haywire after listening to these moaners.

*ganged up in her not hanged up

We have a FB group and it’s clearly labelled ‘information sharing’ nothing else

We are letters, dates, changes, assemblies etc and the odd strange discussion about missing items. The mums are mature and sensible!! Maybe start one?

I am in the same situation!!! Luckily it's only the minority that moan but they are the loudest so it tends to take over.

I've muted it and only check when I'm feeling calm. I also have a secret moan of my own to DH about the latest updates which helps me deflect / reduce my stress about it.

I made my closest mum friends with people who did the same out of school sessions eg swimming as it's a nice time to chat so perhaps you will meet some people that way when DC are older.

Some people strike it lucky with their parent groups, I am slowly coming round to accepting that I'm not one of them

Thing is even if you mute the group, if you do then ever want or need to go and look for something in it you will have to scroll through billions of pointless crap messages to find anything.

Leave the group. Be honest, just say that you can’t keep up with the WhatsApp stuff. Ask that any invitations are given out via the kids and not just on the group. I would be surprised if you were the only one feeling like this about it, most of the others are probably sick of it too! Either that or there needs to be some group boundaries so only information posts strictly related to school etc. Nothing opinion based. If people have issues with the school they need to take them to the head.

Why do you refer to the replies on here as girls? Most of us are women
But aside from that I abide by the mantra I don't send my children into school so that I can make friends.
I have found though with my children at school is it's easier to focus on the parents you don't like than find the ones you do, and the most relaxed/sociable yeargroup is the one that includes dads/stepparents in nights out and not just "mums"
If you look at the moaning parents, it will be a proportion of the year not everyone, some may well have valid concerns that should go through the school/governors but as PPs mentioned party invites will probably come through that group and others will read and may admire your style on there.
The moaning parents will probably drift off to moan elsewhere.
It's all still very early days to find your parenting tribe or not at school

I had no idea until recently that these class WhatsApp groups existed! How do they come about? Does one parent go around collecting other parents numbers and start the group?
Are they purposely set up just for bitching and moaning?
My DC3 has just started nursery (so I guess this is coming for me) and my DC2 left primary 2 years ago DC1 left 5 years ago, it wasn’t a ‘thing’ when they were there. Lordy.

@didkdt that’s an expression! I also use “you guys”. Is that a problem too?

Yes you’re probably right, they will drift off somewhere else to moan

@ClemDanFango yes one parent went around collecting numbers on first day. There’s another reception class too but they don’t have what’s app - lucky them!

I'm on my 3rd kid going through primary school. My honest advice would be dont join any whats app or Facebook groups the school will notify you of any events going on ect. Dont venture on any 'mums nights out. Take your kid to school, smile say good morning, drop and go. School is a place for your kids to make friends & learn. Don't get sucked in to the school social scene.

@Onesailwait thank you. That’s good advice will try that. I’m lucky I don’t see many parents as I drop off early and pick up later as I work during week

Mute it and check it once a week. And don't moan about anyone unless you're happy for it to get around the rest of the group!
Ours isn't moany but can be tedious in other ways. But my other child's friends mums were so unfriendly I'm not even on that WhatsApp group!

I'd check it daily if I were you. DS's school were terrible about giving notice for things like mufti days or pyjama days (earned as a class reward 🙄) and without WhatsApp I would never have known in time.

Also becomes useful later if you have a child who is forgetful with their homework - other parents will helpfully take a photo of the homework for you.

So don't antagonise at this point! They will hopefully settle down.

You could look at the group carefully, and take note of who is NOT moaning on there (a tedious process of elimination I'm afraid) and see if you can cultivate their friendships.

I’ve just done that! I’m happy to say there’s 4 other parents who feel exactly like I do. One is actually considering showing the messages to headteacher as she is so annoyed about the negativity.

My dd's y7 class group chat is like that, constant carping about everything, it's really depressing! My DD loves school and while she does I will support the school completely. I think its mean to always be slagging off homework etc, the teachers spend ages coming up with interesting projects, and all the parents can do is moan, surely at secondary its the kid's responsibility to their homework anyway! Grrr.
Good luck OP, hope you find your 'tribe' soon. I have muted.

I found a few great Mum friends at my son's school, but it took a while. Our boys actually found each other at school and wanted to play outside of school, so we set up some play dates. I got to know them better each time. Now we meet up on our own without the kids. All of us were/are working Mums.

I wouldn't say anything. Just quietly leave or mute. Don't give them more to gossip about- you! This is exactly why I kept away from most other mums. I have a couple of friends I still see but the others- no!

I’ve been in a primary what’s app group for a few years. There’s one mum on there who loves to stir everyone up and create bad feeling. There’s a few that then join in. It can be really helpful with homework reminders and school events as the school are terrible at sending reminders.
And then of course there’s the gloaty mum who sends a photo of every sticker, certificate or school fine for their 3rd term time holiday of the year.

Jesus..this would be my worst nightmare! Exit! You have nothing to lose.

Have a look at who else isn't joining in the moaning, and then set up a sub group for 'non-moaners, just useful info'

I find online chat platforms can sometimes encourage criticism. When you're talking to an object rather than to someone's face it's so much easier to just go on and on about the negative without having to reflect on what you are actually saying (and how much truth there is to it).

Leave the group. It's a silly idea to be honest, grown adults do not need a facilitated bonding experience because their children are in the same class, it's entirely artificial.

In this case, it’s worth paying attention to the parents who aren’t posting anything, rather than the ones who are. You won’t be the only person who feels this way.

If you stay in the group, just make sure that you only ever reply to factual messages. You can choose to use the group for things like sharing spellings and what time XYZ ends. You don’t have to get involved in moaning about lunch options.

It’s likely to get to the point where a whingy person will post something whingy ... and no one will respond. The negativity gets boring.

Or just put in a post saying that you had thought the group was just going to be for information / reminders and maybe the odd time a parent might need a bit of help with something. then ask if there might be others interested in a "less chatty" group simply for that purpose, and set that up ?
"Less chatty" isn't quite as critical as "bitchfest"

I have the same and this is my second year with this group. Thankfully they mix the kids up next year.... I'm on mute! If it's anything like mine, it's the same core group of women who have to broadcast their every waking (boring and irrelevant) thought and I think that 2/3 of the mums are on mute! My younger son's class WhatsApp is almost completely silent on the other hand. Bliss!

How did you guys get a good group of mum friends?

I didn't at primary. My mum friends came through my own hobbies. My dd is now at a private boarding school as a day girl so i never see anyone and its fantastic.